Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

Stop enabling them! I'm learning (again) in my mid 30s because everyone would give me lifts and my husband drives everywhere. I'm absolutely terrified of driving, not that I can't be bothered, but im sure 15 years of getting the bus (no ubers round here) would have pushed me sooner

As others have said they don't have to learn to drive if they don't want to but then it's up to them to arrange transport not you. I'd explain to them you are no longer available for lifts so they will need to use public transport/taxis or walk if they don't want to learn to drive. I would help with the house move though as that has little to do with driving, and more to do with general support.

I meant to ask, what do you mean you are scared they won't come home ?

I don't know, it's clearly frustrating for you driving them, especially 6 am starts! But if they can get taxis/buses/hire a removal van, there's no need for them to drive...or they should move somewhere where driving isn't necessary.

I hardly know anyone who drives and most people I know wouldn't for ethical reasons, so I think it's actually the responsible, sensible choice, but most people I know live in areas where there's public transport so it's not necessary. It's different if there are no alternatives and they're relying on you like this.

Stop giving lifts for things like getting to work. They’ll either figure out how to get there via public transport or decide to learn to drive if it’s too inconvenient. I’d still help with the move as that’s a one off. They might still decide that driving isn’t necessary though. I didn’t learn until my late twenties as I didn’t need to until then as public transport was decent in my area.

I never learned to drive. I have a strong dislike of driving. I don't expect lifts because I am not a child. I manage to transport myself around the place perfectly well.

You have no obligation to drive people around. It's just not at all your duty to do this. It's completely fine to stop. Have a lie in!

I did learn to drive but I hate it, so I live in a place where I can walk, cycle or take the bus most places.

I think you would be absolutely reasonable to stop giving lifts to adults who could learn to drive but can't be bothered. They can walk/cycle /use buses/pay for taxis.

Jesus Christ op I would bite your hand off if you were my mum saying they would get me a car and driving lessons.

you must stop all lifts. If they start lessons then you could offer lifts while they learn to drive if you wanted to but do not feel obliged too

It's their decision and it's up to you how you deal with it. Feeling 'sad' about it is ridiculous, they are adults - let them deal with the consequences. FWIW mine are 22 and 24 and neither of them drive - yet. 22 yo lives in a city with excellent public transport, does fully intend to learn but not until they are in a steady job and can afford to fund lessons, tests and then running a car. 24yo is currently pursuing lessons actively.

And they will learn. I have several family members who didn't start driving until their late 20s who are now capable, competent drivers.

Stop giving them lifts, then you'll have nothing to complain about! I'm 35 and have managed to have a successful adulthood so far without driving. But I never ask anyone for lifts.

Maybe they feel not ready to drive. I didn’t until I was 30. Not everyone should drive

The children can use uber, it’s fine not to drive but they then can’t “rely” on others for free lifts at all hours

I didn't learn until 30, because I genuinely didn't need to. I made sure I lived on a good bus route and as a single person was fine sitting reading a book or doom-scrolling. Once I had a toddler to get places without them causing havoc on the bus, I changed my mind pretty quickly.

The difference was my choice didn't impact anyone else. I lived in a different town from 18 when I went to university, so no one to ask for lifts, and it was made clear from the start that taking me down to halls on my first September was the only bit of moving help my mum was signing up for (after that I moved house doing 3-4 bus journey with a suitcase).

I never learned to drive and I dont want/need to. I use public transport. My family was a 4 car household at one point I am not adding to that. My OH drives and I use the bus and metro with the double buggy. They don't need to drive at all.

Very reassuring, thank you. And thanks to everyone else who has posted their thoughts - it is really helpful!

I just wanted to answer a couple of recurring questions...

The reason I am worried that taking a harder line might put them off coming home, this is because getting from where they live/work to our house is doable via public transport but more inconvenient for them if I don't pick them up from station so I'm worried we might not see them as often. We can of course go to them, but that feels like us taking on the consequences of their choices once again!

For those asking if it is an environmental decision. They have never said this is the reason (which I would of course respect) and they do other things that are not great from a sustainability point of view i.e. eat meat, take flights etc. so not much of a factor I think.

And for others asking about their living/work situation etc. Yes, in their day-to-day lives they are in the city for now, so can get away with it. Although it already takes my daughter twice as long to get home at weekends than if she could drive here (and yes I have pointed this out a lot, hence the eye-rolling). But both of them work in jobs where not being able to drive is definitely going to impact on their future career options (not to mention where they can live), which is why I am so cross about it. It's like they are deliberately making their lives harder, when life is so tough anyhow for young people right now!

Thanks again to everyone who has responded. And FYI I am definitely going to stop with the lifts from here on in!

They are adults, you can't make them learn to drive, perhaps the expense of buying and running a car or insurance is out of reach or they think they won't get much use out of it?
As your daughter works away during the week I'd still drop her at the station as its oy once or twice a week.
The weekend ferrying around I'd be too busy for, have other arrangements.
I would help DS move as I would do that regardless of if they drove but once he's moved in then I would be too busy for regular lifts.
Tbf a lot of young adults struggle to afford to move out so he's doing brilliantly and so is your DD working full time and living away from home during the week. There has to be significant costs involved in both of these things surely, which may make learning to drive less of a financial priority?
They both sound like they are doing fine and progressing towards adulthood.
Do essential lifts but for ones for socialising use your discretion.

But it is necessary, because they rely on OP for regular lifts to work.

Once taxi of mum and dad goes out of business they will soon sort out their ideas.

Learning to drive doesn't have to mean having a car though!

It might be doable to not have a car where they live now (although from what OP says it's not doable because of good transport links but because they use mum like a taxi) but they probably won't live there for the rest of their lives!

Everyone I know who only learned to drive later in life wished they'd done so when younger - its much easier when you have fewer responsibilities, someone living with you whose car you can practice in and, you know the local area well, and, in this case, someone willing to pay for lessons for you!

Rather than suddenly panicking when you get a job offer that requires driving and having to shell out several grand for lessons, in a new city, in-between juggling new job, home, kids etc as 2 people I know had to.

I didn't really drive for 3 years after passing my test but was glad I had it when needed and it wasn't an extra thing i now had to think about.

I would also withdraw the lifts. They need to be able to get around without driving if they don't want to learn.
However, I'd still help with one off things such as helping your son to move.
They need to manage day-to-day life by themselves and it's their decision how they do that but part of the plan to manage that can't be relying on lifts from you or anyone else.

I am quite happy for anyone to say they don’t want to drive

but they have to manage their own transport not rely on other people to drive them !

They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to

A lot of people don’t need to learn to drive, depending on where they live and the kind of work they do. I don’t drive, which is a blessing for the rest of the world, but I have planned my life to make sure this isn’t a problem. I chose an area to live with excellent transport links - and in fact, a car would be more of a hassle here than a help.

BUT - if you’re expecting your mum to get up at 6am to drive you to the station, you’re NOT planning your life to live without driving. You’re expecting someone else to change their plans for you. That isn’t fair. More than that, it isn’t practical. How do they cope if you go on holiday, or break your leg, or have to sell the car for some reason?

The area your son is moving to - is it well set up for getting around via public transport? Because that has to be a consideration when you move house if you’re not a driver. If it turns out he’s still expecting you to provide early morning lifts after moving, he hasn’t planned properly.

You can only do what you’re doing and remove your taxi service and they will have to figure out their travel themselves (and may be more inclined to learn to drive!)

Can they afford to buy and run cars themselves? Who is paying for driving lessons?

“help you son move flats”? You mean he doesn’t live at home and you STILL taxi him around?
They are adults. It’s their choice, stop treating them like teenagers and leave them to it.
Equally, you’re an adult. Say no and stop being a doormat to your kids.