Adult children refusing to learn to drive - can/should I do anything about it?

[IdontwanttobeDrivingMissDaisy]

Hi everyone. As above, my two children (early/mid twenties) cannot drive and I am feeling very down about it as I feel like I have failed to prepare them adequately for adult life. There are other things I worry about too but this is the most obvious one.

I have some sympathy with how this happened, given that everything stopped for the pandemic and has been hard to sort afterwards. But I have done everything to get them to learn by offering to pay lessons, buy a car, sorted a friendly local instructor so they can actually get a test sorted (near impossible around these parts as in many others).

However, they just smirk at me and roll their eyes any time I mention it. After the latest conversation (ok rant) with one of my children about this, it is clear that the only one feeling the consequences of this is me - hence being up at 6 a.m. to drive one of them to the station (they work away during the week and come home weekends). I am therefore thinking of saying I will no longer drive them anywhere e.g. no more taxi service on weekends for my daughter and withdrawing my offer to help my son move flats in a couple of months' time.

I realise this sounds childish of me but I think unless I do this they will never learn to drive as I am enabling them. They say they don't learn because it's a hassle and they don't need to - but if I no longer help them out they will hopefully realise this is not true.

Obviously my worry is that if I do this it might make it less likely they come hom and damage our relationship. Despite my obvious frustration with them, I of course love them to bits and don't want to fall our with them. They are lovely responsible members of society in other ways, just a little naive about the world and the need to stand on their own two feet within it IMHO.

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids? Or should I just butt out. Honestly, I am not a controlling parent despite how this may come across. I think that is obvious otherwise I would have forced the issue earlier! Any advice would be really helpful.

Turn that around. The OP's kids are "forcing" their mother to drive them around!

I am confused are none of them living at home ?

I'm 37 don't drive and don't ever plan to. And my parents are still on my case about it from time to time. Piss me off to no end. They never ferried me anywhere, no one ever did. Public transport, taxis and ubers exist for a reason and all my adult life I managed just fine.

Moved out of home at 18 and never went back. Managed multiple house moves on my own and then eventually bought my own house and moved there. Hired a moving company to do it, a doddle. Didn't even need to pack myself.

My parents could refuse me a one-off, once in a blue moon help, such as a house move or similar, that's fine and their prerogative. That wouldn't do anything to blackmail me into driving. I'd just be 'very busy' when they're old, frail and would need something.

However, ferrying a non-driving adult is not on. It's fine not to drive, but not fine to expect others to ferry you about.

Some people just can’t imagine a life where they aren’t driving.

They are adults, they are working and they have choices.

if one of their choices is to not learn to drive, then so be it. But they don’t get to have mummy driving them around willy nilly as they did when they were children. It’s up to them to find and pay for the alternative forms of transport.

edited to add a one off event such as moving house is a different matter, but it’s the day to day getting around which they need to work out and solve

It took me until I was 21 to drive, and I had absolutely no interest whatsoever! my brother in law bought me my provisional for my birthday that year so I had no choice 😂 I cursed him at first, cos like you OP, my parents would drive me everywhere, and my siblings and friends! I also lived on a bus route which used to take me everywhere I wanted to go! But now I couldn't imagine not driving now. My brother in law can be a bit of a bellend at times 😂 BUT, that provisional license is the best gift he could have given me! Perhaps you backing off a bit will give them the nudge they need 🤷‍♀️❤️

I know, this thread is odd. Not driving is totally normal. Who do they think is using trains, buses and bikes? Imagine if everyone drove, the roads are already ridiculous, traffic and parking wise

I don't think learning to drive is a 'right of passage' any more OP, They need an actual concrete reason to learn to drive. You could try withdrawing lifts but if its only 1-2 times a week thay may just be able to make it work anyway.

I didn't pass my driving test until I was 29 and got my dream job in a place that was almost impossible to get to by public transport. I lived away from home and had previously always got around by public transport, I didn't ask for or expect lifts.

I think it's OK not to drive in a city, though learning earlier is better if you can. I didn't learn to drive until after my 1st child was born and it was a slog that made my husband swear to start our kids on lessons ASAP so their partners never had to go through what we did!

I don't think it's seen as a 'being an adult thing, I know plenty of people who can't drive or didn't learn until their 30s because they had no need before then.

I paid for 20 lessons for each of my children before they decided they didn't want to learn. One was too anxious on the road, the other couldn't be bothered to study for their theory.

I don't drive either of them anywhere. We live in a small town, and they get themselves around on the bus/train.

You can't make them OP

Not driving is totally normal. Expecting your mother to get up and drive you to work at 6am because you don't drive is not normal or fair.

Be much less available OP, your taxi days are from today behind you! They're grown adults fgs.

Ask them how they would get around if YOU hadn't learned to drive.

@Boredlass

thats fine so long as they’re not expecting OP to drive them everywhere

This is a very unvirtuous circle. They can't drive because they dont' see the need because you ferry them everywhere. You don't want to stop ferrying them because then you might not see them anymore. so you keep driving them, and they keep feeling they don't need it.

They are adults - if you stop driving them and you see them less, that is probably good for them. It sonds like they need to be more independent and have less of a safety net with you at home. If they're working in the city, they shouldn't really be coming home to you every weekend anyway - they should be out adn about socialising, taking up hobbies, experiencing life.

You alluded to a few other issues. Do they all come down to lack of independence and a dynamic that is too focused on remaining close to you?

I was going to comment on your first post saying just withdraw all lifts and leave them to work it out, but reading this update the situation seems different to how you first described it. You seem to want to have an all or nothing approach but it doesn’t need to be that.

Both of your kids are working in a city and manage completely fine on public transport there. The only issue seems to be when they are at your house, and you worry that not offering lifts will stop them visiting you - if they decide to stop visiting you because you won’t drive them somewhere then the relationship must be a bit rocky for other reasons!

I am in my 40s and have never learned to drive. I live and work in London so I don’t need to say to day. I have also travelled all over the world and used public transport with no problems. My mother lives somewhere public transport is awful. I visit her, I go by train, she picks me up from the train station. If we go out somewhere she drives us both. She’s never considered this to be a burden! If we didn’t go out, we would enjoy spending a weekend together in her home. She also comes to visit me in London, and travels by train and public transport. There are many places I go where it might be quicker to drive, but time isn’t necessarily the most important factor. There is the expense of running a car, there is the idea that you might have to drive when tired, parking, the stress of driving if you aren’t good at it.

If I were you, I would help your son move home - because, why wouldn’t you help your child move home! I would also facilitate driving both of your children when they are visiting your home. Then leave them to their own plans when they are elsewhere.

I’d agree if OP was just saying “But it’s a life skill!” as so many do on here. But it’s directly affecting her at the moment.

There's no reason why the OP’s children should have to learn to drive if they don’t want to. But if they don’t want to, they need to learn they can’t rely on lifts.

My two (early twenties) aren’t in a particular hurry to either but they have no need to yet anyway as we have very good train links and live a five minute walk to the station. They can’t afford to buy or run a car yet either (and I can’t afford to do it) but I’m sure when the time comes and they need one they will sort getting a licence.

I gave up driving year’s ago so no lifts.

I completely agree with this poster.

I think some people live with such poor public transport options, driving is normal and incomprehensible that people can rely on the buses.

We have 2 bus an hour - which is often late into one of the two towns - first bus is 8:50am and it's a 12 minute journey, so if you want to get to work there by 9am, you cant. And if it's late it sometimes doesn't arrive until gone 9 (I've sat there and waited and waited). Especially as the bus drops in the town centre, and most people would be working at the business park. The bus to the other town bus runs on Saturday's at 10am to town and 3pm back only.

We can't get a bus to school - it drops a off at 9:15 the earliest. School starts at 8:45 here. If we want to get a train we have to walk a mile to the station, get on for 7 minutes, walk around 3/4 mile back along the tracks. Total journey time is around 35-40 minutes - you an cycle there in 15 minutes (which we do)

It's absolutely fine for them to decide not to learn to drive, just as it is fine for you to decide not to drive them anywhere. Choices have consequences!

For the love of God stop giving them lifts. If they don’t want to drive that’s up to them but they’re grown adults. They can walk, bike, bus etc if they don’t want to drive.

Do you have enough parking for three cars? Two of which will be permanently parked mon-fri at yours?

My eldest two didn’t drive until their 30s, I didn’t see an issue with it, probably because I don’t drive myself.

I dont understand how your examples are proving your point though?

Most people learn to drive at 17 - if your DH had done so he wouldn't have been "focusing on his career" at that age. It doesn't matter if he passed at 17 and then didn't need to drive while living in London.
I find it weird you seem to be suggesting that if he had the opportunity to do so, avoiding what sounds like a massive inconvenience and cost of learning later in life (intensive driving week, accommodation, using a week of annual leave, being away from pregnant wife) wouldn't have been far preferable.

If he didnt have the opportunity to do so when younger then that's exactly the opposite scenario to anything I or the OP said, so completely irrelevant.

Your decision to insure a car your DS then didn't drive was completely up to you/him. Just because he passed his test you didn't have to insure a car for him to drive, let alone keep insuring it for the next 5 years. It was open to him to either drive it occasionally (in which case he wouldn't have needed the refresher lessons) or you to not insure it (therefore no wasted money).

Guaranteed the few refresher lessons he took (which while perhaps a good idea were completely optional) were nowhere near the cost of learning from scratch so how on earth were the original lessons a waste of money!? Plus lessons would have been a lot cheaper 5 years previously so the price difference would have more than cancelled out the few refreshers.

You seem to have missed the whole point of my post which is that once you have passed, you have the qualification forever (unless you get disqualified) - that doesn't mean you have to go out and immediately buy, insure, or even drive a car.

Obviously not everyone is in a position to learn when they are younger but if they are (as OPs dc are) then it makes sense to do so, thinking "I don't need it now so why bother learning" is short sighted.
It's not a party trick like balancing plates on your head, the chances that it will be a beneficial skill at some point in most people's lives is pretty high.

@latetothefisting at 17/18 my DH didn't have the money to learn to drive - his parents wouldn't have paid. At 31 he did have the money and I wasn't pregnant at that time. Even if I had been, it wouldn't have been an issue for him to be away fkr a week. He often was.

I don't think most people do learn at 17/18. My children's friends didn't but I accept we were in London. I did, but I was brought up in the sticks.