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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

716 replies

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 20:26

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

OP posts:
allgrownupnow · 21/06/2025 20:35

Why does it need to be a serious relationship? If you keep it casual then it doesn’t matter. But also, it’s not attractive to be reckless like this, so if it puts you off him that’s ok, just move on. It’s not about the money, it’s the lack of security, stability, the mindset, not wanting him to ask for things from you in the future etc.

Dont stay because you feel guilty about leaving!

RogersOrganismicProcess · 21/06/2025 20:37

It would also put me off anything serious, with him.

Would you still be interested in him as more of a casual companion, rather than serious relationship?

dogmandu · 21/06/2025 20:41

i'm just curious - how come he's got to age 59 with no assets and no pension?

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 21/06/2025 20:44

I’d be twitchy about it too. It’s hard because you care but I’d br contemplating it as the end too.

PashaMinaMio · 21/06/2025 20:45

You can leave a relationship for any reason you choose.
I would feel the same way and I’d just slowly withdraw and make myself less available. It’s a shame but his situation at his age does not augur well for your joint future.

Think of yourself and your family’s needs now and for the future.

Bananalanacake · 21/06/2025 20:45

Just enjoy the relationship as it is, no need to move in at all.

Almostwelsh · 21/06/2025 20:46

Just don't move in with him or share finances with him. Problem solved.

You've just got divorced. You don't need to move in with anyone unless you have financial issues yourself. Do you?

Dozer · 21/06/2025 20:47

Far easier to walk away now than when your feelings have got deeper and you’ve spent more time and energy on the relationship. Unless you’re only looking for casual, long term, and can handle that emotionally, wouldn’t continue dating him.

Hatty65 · 21/06/2025 20:48

I'd be put off a 59 yo man who hadn't thought about a pension and was £30k in debt.

However kind he is, he's not a proper grown up, is he? He's got 8 years to go until he has a state pension (assuming he has paid enough contributions) and that seems to be all he will have to live on. How does he think he will pay his debts, and why does he have zero assets at his age? Unfair dismissal payments (even if he wins his case) are pretty small - generally 1.5 weeks pay for every year you worked for the company.

6 months isn't long enough for me to feel I should stay - your gut is telling you to run, so I would.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 21/06/2025 20:50

Does his story check out, OP, about the unfair dismissal? It's very hard to win such a case.
£30k of debt, no assets, no pension would worry me too. Are you sure he wasn't sacked?

You can just say you're not ready for any commitment yet, and keep your finances strictly separate. You need to protect yourself, and your DD.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/06/2025 20:51

I'd run @Jemjemima, very very fast. Not because he's skint but because he's been disingenuous about it.

When I met DH 35 years ago, he was skint, on his uppers, contemplating changing careers, living in a dreadful flatshare. However, he didn't have debts, his cards weren't refused and he was 100% honest with me about his circumstances. You do not appear to be in that situation.

You can do better, I doubt he can.

TiagoOne · 21/06/2025 20:52

Do not combine finances and do not move in together. Protect your assets.

Against that background - the relationship can continue. It will only go wrong for you if you make dumb decisions (like letting him move in when he can’t pay rent any more…)

PerkyGreenCat · 21/06/2025 20:52

You're right to want to end it. Even if you never live together, you'll still be impacted by his financial situation because you won't be able to have the lifestyle you want with him - holidays, theatre, dates, whatever. You've had your years slogging it out at work, getting promotions, saving money, raising children - all the stressful stuff. You deserve some fun now!

There are other men out there who are sexy, a good laugh, kind, fun to be around, loving, etc and they're also not in 30k debt with no pension!

BlueBadgers · 21/06/2025 20:54

Even if he succeeded in claiming unfair dismissal the average payout is really a lot lower that most people would expect. It would in absolutely no way make up for having no pension.

Basically you need to ask yourself if you want to fund this man yourself for the rest of his life, as this is a realistic scenario if you stay together.

FloofyKat · 21/06/2025 20:56

If your gut is giving you misgivings now that’s a sign not to be ignored, in my book. And financial niggles now are likely to grow into much larger annoyances later.

gamerchick · 21/06/2025 20:56

Renting and no assets wouldn't bother me. 30k worth of debt would. Especially if that debt was happening while trying to keep up with me financially.

You know the score OP. Your gut is telling you it.

snughugs · 21/06/2025 20:57

I would end it. These men will do anything to move in, if they were happy to keep renting fine but that’s extremely rare, they don’t and they’ve got it figured out in their head already, just wait until his lease is up and once he gets his feet under the table, just a big fact no. Don’t go out with a man with such a financial difference you’ll be on different pages. He won’t change his spending habits, he’ll just have you to sub him.

Arseynal · 21/06/2025 20:57

It doesn’t make any sense to earn £70k and be 59 and have zero. Not even a car or a bit of equity in a house or a crap work pension. It just doesn’t add up. And the unfair dismissal/redundancy sounds shady. And you’ve only known him a very short amount of time. I would back right away but if you do continue then whatever you do don’t let him get his feet under your table. The next thing you know will be him getting evicted and staying “just until I find somewhere”

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 21:00

This doesn't make sense. What about his workplace pension for the 40 years?

blacksax · 21/06/2025 21:01

he has some cavalier ideas for his money!

He could also have some cavalier ideas for what to do with yours. Eyes wide open I think, especially since you are not motivated by money. He might think you are easy come / easy go when it comes to your ready cash, and will be easily persuaded to part with some of it.

Corgiears · 21/06/2025 21:04

snughugs · 21/06/2025 20:57

I would end it. These men will do anything to move in, if they were happy to keep renting fine but that’s extremely rare, they don’t and they’ve got it figured out in their head already, just wait until his lease is up and once he gets his feet under the table, just a big fact no. Don’t go out with a man with such a financial difference you’ll be on different pages. He won’t change his spending habits, he’ll just have you to sub him.

Yes or suddenly have nowhere to go and just need somewhere until ‘they’re back on their feet’

Fusedspur · 21/06/2025 21:07

How did it even happen? Has he never bought anything ever or ever joined a company pension scheme?

honeyfox · 21/06/2025 21:07

Absolute cocklodger alert.

CreationNat1on · 21/06/2025 21:08

Walk away, respect your finances. Would you like your daughter to date a version of him?

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