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Original poster

Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

716 replies

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 20:26

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

OP posts:
Swimminginthedeepbluesky · 21/06/2025 21:13

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Bonkers advice

No man is more generous, kind and loving as a man who needs somewhere to live and a woman to finance him.
Do yourself a huge favour and end it now @Jemjemima
30 K debt, no house or pension but earned 70K
This is someone who is terrible with money and will ruin your life

Fusedspur · 21/06/2025 21:16

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Spectacularly bad.

In the words of my Granny; “sure it’s as easy to love a rich man as a poor one so think on.”

Original poster
Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:16

Two opposing thoughts - I appreciate both tbh! 81clare81 beautifully written x.

OP posts:
Miley23 · 21/06/2025 21:18

Something definitely not right here. How does someone have 30k worth of debt when they've been earning 70k? Is he gambling or something? I would run a mile !

Original poster
Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:20

No, own house no debt, savings and pensions xx

OP posts:
scotstars · 21/06/2025 21:20

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds like you have worked hard to achieve a good lifestyle I wouldn't be prepared to compromise that by having to to pay for someone else or not being able to go out because they are always skint. That salary should not equal debt and no assets something doesnt add up..be prepared in September for him to suggest moving in when he has no income and can't afford his flat.

FabulousPharmacyst · 21/06/2025 21:22

First thought is gambling issue!

Lighteningstrikes · 21/06/2025 21:22

Yes, I’m sure he’s been very attentive, caring and supportive.
Slowly slowly catch the monkey…

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 21:23

Two points OP

  1. I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected - who pays when his cards are rejected?

  2. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension - this sounds like the beginning of one of those scams where the money is coming and he just needs to borrow a bit off you to see him through

This man is covered in red flags.

Fusedspur · 21/06/2025 21:25

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:20

No, own house no debt, savings and pensions xx

Does that mean he has a house or he doesn’t?

DahliaBlooming · 21/06/2025 21:27

Run...

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/06/2025 21:27

If you were happy to keep it a casual relationship, and were clear with him about that, then there’s no reason not to let it run (for a year or two).

But it sounds like you are worried your feelings will deepen / his lack of money and lack of openness makes you uncomfortable so I think you probably need to call it.

Unless you were really prepared to take him on financially you’d to finish it in a couple years anyway before everyone gets too comfortable.

Original poster
Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:28

No he has absolutely nothing!😔

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/06/2025 21:28

Lighteningstrikes · 21/06/2025 21:22

Yes, I’m sure he’s been very attentive, caring and supportive.
Slowly slowly catch the monkey…

Yeah, this is very very possible OP, sad to say

And I suspect the payoff is a fantasy

Baninarama · 21/06/2025 21:28

Another vote for run. Do you know why he's claiming he was unfairly dismissed, too?

Very suspect that he has absolutely nothing to show for a decent salary - his inability to plan and manage would put me right off - it's basic adulting. Before long he'll have his feet under the table and you'll be subsidising him.

OudAndRose · 21/06/2025 21:29

My concern would be that it looks like a long term pattern. The unfair dismissal may be a current issue, but he has reached 59 as a high earner and is in debt with no assets. What's behind the long-term picture?

It may sound harsh but I would not date a man in this situation. He seems irresponsible to me and I would not want to end up supporting him. Been there, done that - it's not fun and hard to leave if you are emotionally attached (I was and you are starting to be).

Original poster
Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:30

Yes theunbreakablecleopatrajones I can’t time steal. That’s why we ended our marriage- life is so precious you have to be with the right person for the right reasons.

OP posts:
Fusedspur · 21/06/2025 21:30

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:28

No he has absolutely nothing!😔

Sprint. There is something seriously off here.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 21/06/2025 21:30

Unless he's on a footballer type salary an employment tribunal at 59 will NOT be his pension.
Do not get your finances entwined ... in any way!

NImumconfused · 21/06/2025 21:31

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:28

No he has absolutely nothing!😔

Is he paying for kids or had an expensive divorce? Otherwise, you can't be on that kind of salary for years and have nothing unless you're either a gambler or so spectacularly bad with money that no sane woman would go near you. He'll be looking to move in with you in no time.

Original poster
Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 21:31

Oudandrose. You are right - I have feelings and want to fix him but I have done that in the past and I need to stop doing it and live my own truth x

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/06/2025 21:32

However kind he is, he's not a proper grown up, is he?

Exactly. And I'd find that incredibly unattractive.

Laura95167 · 21/06/2025 21:32

Its not about money its about stability

Its OK if you dont want him

JHound · 21/06/2025 21:32

If you don’t wish to marry/ ever combine your life or even live together then it does not matter. I would not get serious with a man like this.

Baninarama · 21/06/2025 21:33

There is no fixing someone who has got to his age with absolutely nothing put away. Sounds like you've just enough to look after yourself, not subsidise someone feckless.