Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I see it wholesale here around where I live , couples splitting up & getting into relationships far too quickly.
Moving men in with their kids cause they don’t want to / feel like they can’t deal with the breakup I’d say 😞.
Very hard for the children , but I always feel sorry for the moms aswel, I’m sure it’s because they’re not thinking straight & are hurt .

Thing is , men will come & go , you will always have your children though ..

@Jemjemima This must have been a turbulent couple of months for you. I imagine that you were seduced by the feelings of being loved and cared for (it's heady mix), and by all the positive things in the relationship. I also imagine that over Christmas it was nice to have someone to celebrate with, maybe even to dream with as you went into the new year.

But there clearly been some tensions too, and some underlying concerns if you you have now made this decision.

Having followed throughout, I am glad that you have ended things, and thank you for coming back to let us know. When I left an abusive marriage 35 years ago I fell head over heels for a fabulous man. He ws emotionally intelligent, caring, charismatic. He was a doctor, earned really well but every penny he got was spent twice over - cars, clothes, holidays. His parents bailed him out and he would be financially even - for about 2 weeks. Then something else new and shiny would catch his eye. I ended it when he was about to commit some kind of low level insurance fraud in order to fund a ££££ new bike.

I've been married for 25 years to the most solidly dependent and stable person I've ever met. It doesn't sound exciting when I write it like that but it allows us to plan, to enjoy fabulous holidays, to have the occasional recklous and frivolous spend. It is magically boring.

Now, how can we support you in building your own new life? Apart from supporting your dd, what are you doing for yourself?

With kindness, you might want to start your own thread for your question.

Ah, sending you a ((())). It's hard but your feelings about it have been building over the past few months until you reached that tipping point of now.
I guess he was an important part of your post divorce 'journey' and he was Mr Right for that Period of Time' (!).

The life I thought I'd have in my later years was turned on its head 4 years back (divorce after 36 yrs) and it's taken me time to accept (and enjoy) the new life plan (that wasn't really a plan) that's stretching out in front of me.

My Mr Right for Now is still in play (it's a LDR that can never be not long distance for a multitude of reasons) but I don't 'need' it as intensely as before. It's just nice to have 🙂.

It's great you updated and I hope you can get over it quickly with some self care and knowing that you did the right thing for yourself long term.

Keep this first paragraph in your phone @Jemjemimafor when he strategically pops up again - Valentines, when exams are over, when you child leaves for uni … watch him do this and don’t fall for it. You have too much to lose and it’s not all cash - look at the example of the daughter who went to Edinburgh uni.

Congratulations by the way. You got to see it and feel it with your own gut in your own time - not too late. Hope all is going well for your DD.

Trust your gut instinct.

I never thought I would be that person but I could see my future not being the one Inhad planned.

I hope you keep him away for good if seeing him was affecting your home atmosphere and potentially screwing up your financial future which would have affected your daughter's education.

Watching your kid graduate and starting their career, it's an incredible life event that you have to look forward to.

@Jemjemima difficult choices, but as you say, your gut kept speaking. Glad things are easier at home. No regrets, I would think, even if you are sad. Definitely time to do things for you and for your daughter for a while.

If you do decide to date again, I recommend Burned Haystacks dating method to everyone for a way of spotting any red flags before you even start out. It might be there were none here anyway, just an incompatibility of lifestyles and money management, but the fact things are better with him out of the picture unfortunately means this was the right answer even if you didn't want it to come to this.

I hope the Spring is good for you and that you go into it a little lighter.

Frequentlyincorrectbut Thank you for that! Wise words xxx

I married my husband 40 years ago. Second marriage for both of us. I moved into his house and the money I had after my divorce paid off his debts. Fresh start, new page. We are in a very comfortable position financially, with a lot of equity in his house and debts gone we were soon mortgage free. He then inherited a house, I've never inherited anything. I am more careful with money than him but it isn't an issue for us as we can afford what he wants and I don't go without.

Maybe I was naive.but it's worked out fine for me. I hope it works for you. Maybe send him over to MSE where he can get lots of advice and support to deal with debts.

Good luck.

I did similar.

My now husband was almost bankrupt after his divorce and I owned my house outright fortunately.

I was 40 and he was nearly 50.

That was 20 years ago and we are comfortably off now. He also inherited.

We could form a club. Glad it worked out for you.

Just enjoy the lighter side of the relationship and letbhim sort out the other side of his life.

Unless he’s asking you for money, it’s not your problem.

So, he tried and tried and fought and I have n’t let him back in. He delivered flowers to my home when I was at work and sent photos of us reminding me of how it was. I have to be honest, I miss how he made me feel. I miss all the lovely things he said and did for me but my gut knew I couldn’t cope with his cavalier lifestyle. I am the thick of the divorce and it’s awful. Trying to keep my nerve and function but it’s hard and I do crave someone to lean on! Thank you though Mumsnet I am sure it was the right decision it just hasn’t quite healed yet and I still feel the pain of it xx

You’ve done the right thing. It had no long term future, and you’ll end up resenting him. Take time to put yourself first - two separations in quick succession can’t be easy. Allow yourself time to grieve both relationships, and then move forwards.

Glad you haven’t got back with him. Avoid contact.

He wasn’t ‘lovely’, overall.

sorry your divorce is hard: you will get through it yourself and with other support, and without this ex boyfriend will have more resources of all kinds to do that and do lots of good things.

Lots of things are illegal. But besides that when he is being interviewed and he doesn’t get the job a) how will he prove he didn’t get it because of his age and b) what recourse would he have?

OP, did he ever get the unfair dismissal payout that he was so certain would be his pension for life?

I had a fair amount of sympathy for him, given his first wife’s problems, although I would not have let him move in or in any way become dependent on me - but your last post raises some concerns. He needs to accept your decision and stop pestering you.

He never moved in. LAMPS1 he is set for court in June and it is likely he will win and I hope he does. I hope he has a future as he did really love me and everyone deserves to be happy. You are right he needs to stop and he has eased off. I have to watch it though as I am vulnerable and feeling small with everything else going on. Doing lots of work on myself - what else can you do?

This is just not a comparable situation to the OPs at all though is it? Depending on your DH then debt level looks like a nice transactional balancing of assets.

Doing lots of work on myself - what else can you do?

Being in the middle of a painful divorce, you are doing right by yourself and your dc.
Im sorry you are suffering. You need time to regain a good confident sense of yourself OP and to have a feeling of peace in your heart for your future.

You are also doing right by your ex bf.
He needs to work on himself too. Without any prompting from you.
Let’s hope he can get through the court proceedings, and sort himself out properly with his finances and another job so that he is as secure as he can be for his future.

You came together at the wrong time. This is all for the best for now.

Well done resisting his self-serving pestering / grooming / manipulation. That can’t have been easy. He has shown that he is not nice and is disrespectful of your vulnerability and boundaries and pushed to exploit that for his own financial gain. Now the nice stuff has paused watch out for the ‘emergency’ crisis - something to do with his health, family member etc escalated to draw you back in. I hope he doesn’t go that low. But as you read on here all the time “there is no man more ‘in love’ than one without a roof over his head”.

I wish you well with the transition to a new chapter in your life and I am sure your DC prospects - emotional, financial and logistical will be much better with you free to attune to their needs in these challenging years without the distraction of a gnawing gut feeling or the distress and preoccupation of money worries with him. My DC are a bit older than yours and there is no greater pleasure than seeing them succeed emotionally, socially and academically due to your foundational efforts - especially when they have had their childhood already derailed by a family breakdown. Even if he was minted I would always consider very carefully why blending any man into my DCs life is of any benefit to them when all they want/need is a calm and gentle home with their Mum after the turmoil of divorce. So much rebuilding to do. Enough time for relationships when satisfied that parenting job is done. Best of luck to you and your family.

@Jemjemima bear in mind you have only known him for six months and he will be showing you his best side, possibly has identified you as comfortable, and might be wanting to move in. Something isn’t adding up here, a very good salary but renting, no savings, no assets, no pension, just debt? No explanation. Of course he’s being lovely to you! Please be careful. If he moved in and the mask slipped, you would find it very difficult to ask him to leave, given that he will have given up his tenancy and have nowhere to go.

It's very hard, you are only human, and of course you would like some support.

We are here for you.
Post away, journal to us and we will give you support and a listening ear.

You will get through this.
You will thrive.
This too will pass.

When it does it will begin a new fresh chapter where you will forge ahead.

You will be glad that you do not have a potential furture financial ice berg in the distance looming, trying to pay for a comfortable retirement.

I strongly recommend that you do the retirement math. It is so sobering.

My husband is looking at retirement and it really is shocking what is required for a comfortable......not flash retirement.

I think if you have the figures in front of you, together with university costs etc., it will strengthen your resolve.

Be kind to yourself.