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Original poster

Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

716 replies

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 20:26

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

OP posts:
Baninarama · 21/06/2025 21:33

s

ChampagneLassie · 21/06/2025 21:33

I just can’t imagine I’d find someone attractive who had so little to show for themselves by that age. I think it’s totally fine to make that decision. But I wouldn’t communicate that to him. Just end it politely that you don’t feel it’s working. I don’t think he’ll value your feedback and he’s not going to change his behaviour at that age.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/06/2025 21:34

You've obviously talked about finances-him having loads of debt, no property pension. Has it not come up the reason for this? Why has he got to 59 and not thought of paying into a pension?

I'd probably let this one go as it's not going to go anywhere except into a role where you are the provider.

Canttakeitanymore1 · 21/06/2025 21:34

Very very suspect. You don't reach that age without even a basic workplace pension and some savings. Gambling would be my guess. Whatever the reason, he has no money sense and this is not someone to built a future with. You certainly won't be enjoying retirement with this man, I work in HR and he will not be hired at that age. Sorry to say but it's just the way things are. How will he pay for his lifestyle, rent and debts then? You. That's his plan

cloudyblueglass · 21/06/2025 21:35

dogmandu · 21/06/2025 20:41

i'm just curious - how come he's got to age 59 with no assets and no pension?

I’ve got to 50 with that - it’s called being used as an incubator and then all singing all dancing 24/7 child minder, and then left for another woman, with children with SEN.

JHound · 21/06/2025 21:35

NImumconfused · 21/06/2025 21:31

Is he paying for kids or had an expensive divorce? Otherwise, you can't be on that kind of salary for years and have nothing unless you're either a gambler or so spectacularly bad with money that no sane woman would go near you. He'll be looking to move in with you in no time.

Show quote history

Sounds like he was just bad money. I was like j
him: debt / no savings but got my shit together in my mid 30s (not like this guy - a mess at 59!)

I always had a pensions though.

JHound · 21/06/2025 21:36

cloudyblueglass · 21/06/2025 21:35

I’ve got to 50 with that - it’s called being used as an incubator and then all singing all dancing 24/7 child minder, and then left for another woman, with children with SEN.

Show quote history

Divorce should have provided you a share of assets.

BarilynBordeaux · 21/06/2025 21:38

Ew, no. Sounds like he’s fattening you up like the proverbial calf with all his ‘caring’ and can’t wait to have access to all the benefits of feet under the table. You’ll be watching your DDs uni fees going on that 30k debt, but don't worry, it’s just ‘until the payout’ or ‘until he’s back on his feet’ or some other bs.

Run now before your urge to fix him (?Why?) fixes you.

JHound · 21/06/2025 21:38

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Nobody above the age of 22 should be approaching dating like this.

susiedaisy1912 · 21/06/2025 21:38

id finish it with him. He only going to drag you down financially. He’s had 40 years of working and he’s brassic and in terrible debt.

RoseofRoses · 21/06/2025 21:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MelOfTheRoses · 21/06/2025 21:45

It's not so much about the actual numbers, but you kind of need to be on the same wavelength with money, long term.

OudAndRose · 21/06/2025 21:45

cloudyblueglass · 21/06/2025 21:35

I’ve got to 50 with that - it’s called being used as an incubator and then all singing all dancing 24/7 child minder, and then left for another woman, with children with SEN.

Show quote history

Sadly it is only too easy to see how it happens to women, @cloudyblueglass. I am way more suspicious of a man in these circumstances. Sorry you have been treated this way Flowers

ReturningDino · 21/06/2025 21:46

The lack of assets could be due to a messy divorce. The debt could be funding kids? But the lack of pension is a deal breaker - if he's been working why hasn't he got a workplace pension?

Ilovemyshed · 21/06/2025 21:46

Canttakeitanymore1 · 21/06/2025 21:34

Very very suspect. You don't reach that age without even a basic workplace pension and some savings. Gambling would be my guess. Whatever the reason, he has no money sense and this is not someone to built a future with. You certainly won't be enjoying retirement with this man, I work in HR and he will not be hired at that age. Sorry to say but it's just the way things are. How will he pay for his lifestyle, rent and debts then? You. That's his plan

As you work in HR, you should know ageism is illegal.

EmeraldRoulette · 21/06/2025 21:46

Hatty65 · 21/06/2025 20:48

I'd be put off a 59 yo man who hadn't thought about a pension and was £30k in debt.

However kind he is, he's not a proper grown up, is he? He's got 8 years to go until he has a state pension (assuming he has paid enough contributions) and that seems to be all he will have to live on. How does he think he will pay his debts, and why does he have zero assets at his age? Unfair dismissal payments (even if he wins his case) are pretty small - generally 1.5 weeks pay for every year you worked for the company.

6 months isn't long enough for me to feel I should stay - your gut is telling you to run, so I would.

This

His plan for the future is probably a solvent woman.

Hothothothothothotlovingit · 21/06/2025 21:48

How old is your DD? Has she deferred a place on a 5 year Uni course? Curious how you know she is going in 16 months time.

Regarding the relationship. You’ve already decided it’s not something you can pursue now to know his predicament.

TwinklyNight · 21/06/2025 21:49

I would just be friends with someone with financial troubles.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 21:50

OP why aren't you answering people's questions?

Why is he in debt when when was on such a good salary. Where has his money gone?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2025 21:51

He may well be looking for a nurse with A purse, never ignore gut feelings or intuition.

Would you be happy for your DD to date someone like this man?. If no then why are you?. How strong are your boundaries in relationships?

RosesAndHellebores · 21/06/2025 21:52

Canttakeitanymore1 · 21/06/2025 21:34

Very very suspect. You don't reach that age without even a basic workplace pension and some savings. Gambling would be my guess. Whatever the reason, he has no money sense and this is not someone to built a future with. You certainly won't be enjoying retirement with this man, I work in HR and he will not be hired at that age. Sorry to say but it's just the way things are. How will he pay for his lifestyle, rent and debts then? You. That's his plan

I agree with some of your points, but with respect, and as an HR Director who is almost 65, I am tapped up for jobs all the time and most people in my sector are aware that I am post mature :). I think you need to buck up your ideas.

alwayslearning789 · 21/06/2025 21:54

EmeraldRoulette · 21/06/2025 21:46

This

His plan for the future is probably a solvent woman.

Edited
Show quote history

@Jemjemima - please be careful not to walk straight into "nurse with a purse" territory.

You are right to be reconsidering your position given the information that has come to light.

Radionowhere · 21/06/2025 21:54

dogmandu · 21/06/2025 20:41

i'm just curious - how come he's got to age 59 with no assets and no pension?

Some people would rather spend now. I have NHS colleagues of varying ages who have opted out of the pension. Contributions are an eye watering 11.5% on my grade, it's a lot, but still, madness. They expect the state to take care of them. Irritates the hell out of me but I know I'll have a more comfortable retirement so, whatever.
Financial incompatibility is a biggie OP. Deal-breaker for me.

Praying4Peace · 21/06/2025 21:54

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Fantastic insightful post
Thank you for the words of wisdom

cannotbetoobot · 21/06/2025 21:54

81Claire81 · 21/06/2025 20:43

You know, it’s easy to get caught up worrying about the practical side of things – especially when you’ve worked hard and got responsibilities. But sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can end up letting the numbers on a bank statement mean more than what’s actually in front of you.

This fella, by the sound of it, has been there for you, made you feel comfortable, and shown you a lot of care. That’s not something you find every day, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s not nothing, is it? Plenty of people with tidy finances can still leave you feeling cold and alone.

Yeah, he’s got his money troubles, and maybe he’s not been the most open about it, but everyone’s got their own baggage. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and sometimes folk end up in a mess through no real fault of their own. If you look at just his debts and not the man himself, you might be missing out on something real – someone who’s actually there for you, who makes you laugh, who’s got your back in ways money can’t buy.

End of the day, it’s your call. But don’t be too hard on him – or yourself – for not having it all mapped out. Sometimes the best things in life come when you take a chance, not when you play it safe. Love’s not about spreadsheets and pensions, it’s about finding someone who makes the hard days easier. Just something to think about before you walk away.

Love this post and so true.