Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I don’t think that you have read the thread and noted the timelines - this relationship has been going on for nearly 18 months - and seemingly the @Jemjemimahas broken up and gotten back with him at least three times in that period as per her posts - June 25, Nov 25 and Jan 26 …. He has sweet talked his way back in each time - and I am concerned now if resurrecting this thread is because he is still pecking her head with his abusive self serving grooming, love-bombing, future faking behaviours - or as she has mentioned that because he has ‘eased off’ she is feeling subconsciously anxious / lonely / confused - with his new abusive tactic of ‘intermittent reinforcement’ which is a classic manoeuvre in abusive relationships.

I also wonder if the OP is holding out hope that the big payoff is due to drop (June) and this will sway her thinking.

Up thread OP believed no contact when a relationship ends is ‘ghosting’ and mean - but this thread is a timeline example of someone being hoovered in time and time again despite her gut screaming at her. As I said up thread I expect him to reappear when the DD exams are over and then again when DD leaves for uni in London. The OP needs to protect herself because if she was vulnerable when her marriage ended amicably - she will be doubly vulnerable when she has an empty nest and has sold the family home. He’s biding his time - like a bird of prey. He needs to be blocked.

So, he tried and tried and fought and I have n’t let him back in.

I was not surprised reading the above. He has had a good income for years, got an inheritance of £80,000 and never made use of this. He is now in debt of £30,000, is jobless and fighting an unfair dismissal case and has a pension pot of £25,000 at 59 year's of age.
Even if he wins the unfair dismissal case it not going to give him a large sum of money. He only has a few year more of work before retirement age and as you get older it can be harder to get work.

Of course he was going to try getting back with you. He needs you to sub his lifestyle both now and in the future. You have realised this. Your not willing to put you and your kids financially future at risk because of him.
Your kids are coming to university age and it's an expensive time. You also want to build up your own savings and pension so you not totally dependent on the state pension. You want to be able to go on holidays, have days out with family and friends and have the money there to make your life easier. You might decide to move out of a family home to a smaller place near shops, public transport ect as you get older.

I know it not easy at the moment. It would be nice to have a partner now but you deserve better than him. His life is a mess and he needs to sort this out himself. You been working on yourself and your trying to deal with your kids university costs ect.

This period of your life will pass and things will get better as a a previous poster said.
You need to be kind to yourself now and post here if you feel that your resolve to keep him out of your life is beginning to change. Don't distroy all your hard work dealing with teenagers, a bad divorce and trying to get your finances sorted out.

Your better off spending some time on your own and meeting up with friends for meals out, cinema trips ect. I know a lot of single men in there 50 to early 60's and they are looking for either a purse or a nurse or both. They have refused to listen to advice, save, make long term plans and they expect a woman to take them on.

Has he paid off any of his debt yet? Or he's just going to default and let it be other consumers' problems. He won't be able to get a loan or mortgage for some years if your system is set up like ours. With bad credit, here he'd be lucky to get a rental place. Is his lease up soon?

This guy is unethical and careless with money and out for #1. You know that. You have kids to get through a very expensive life period.

So, he tried and tried and fought and I have n’t let him back in.

He thinks he can love bomb you back and get in your new home, even though he knows you don't want to disinherit your kids. He doesn't care about your kids. He showed that when he tried to push moving in and then marriage shortly after you met when your kids were still working through your marriage breakup. I think you've done well to keep your distance this time, but it's time to stop. He's your ex and he wants something very different for your life, that would be you supporting him and living in your home and spending your money, than you want, which is prioritizing your kids. It's not ghosting to stop contact with an ex, it's the norm. You're incompatible and it's time to move on.

Even if he gets money, he's an unethical spendthrift with bad credit heading for retirement without job stability. How long do you think a payout would last him? Life is only getting more expensive.

I hope the pressure from your ongoing divorce eases up soon. Have you thought about short term therapy as a tool to destress and see what you really want going into the future?

@Kweenbeee oh yeah, I didn’t realise it was an old thread! 🤣

I don’t know why, but I feel he’s a bit of a fantasist when he comes to money. How much is he hoping to get from the payout. According to this article, a years pay plus the basic award part. Half of that will be wiped out by his debts, and if he has money in the bank, he won’t be entitled to benefits, so the other half will soon be wiped out with rent. If he doesn’t pay his debt, prioritising it fir pension, then that’s further showing poor money management, and his best course of action, is to find a lovely lady, possibly in a vulnerable state, and to woo her… .

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/employment-tribunal/employment-tribunals/before-you-go-to-the-tribunal/check-what-compensation-you-can-get-for-unfair-dismissal/

Thank you Burntlemon for you very kind words. It is so hard being alone with your own thoughts while going through a divorce . I overthink everything, have panic attacks on occasion but I know I am fortunate to have made the decision to end my marriage and it won’t always feel this way. I am lucky tbh - as I do look forward to the future which will be mine for once. 🙏🙏

A fantasist, fraudster and a grifter. The whole defaulting on his credit card debts shenanigans is bizarre at his age and tells me he’s done that before. Also the paying off his sisters gambling debts and financing his wife who didn’t pay her utilities etc needs to be taken with a huge pinch of salt - suspect these were his gambling problems. Doesn't really matter though he’s shown who he is a preying on vulnerable women happy to disrupt their household and drain their finances in his desperate highly manipulative ‘charm’ offensive. I know loads of men like this - some are close relatives, one is my brother - great for the craic, loving and charming - but there is no way I would encourage a friend to get into a relationship with them - they are totally unreliable financially and their irresponsible ways now have consequences that they expect the sensible woman to mop up.

The flowers kept coming but I am not back with him. Daughter starts her A-Levels tomorrow and I am ahead with the paperwork for the divorce. It has been nice to have a calm household and I am getting my ducks in a row regarding my future. I am getting as fit as I can, really looking after myself. I have a wobble now and again - but I just have to get on with it. Thanks again x

You really need to be firm with him re the flowers, esp as he can't afford to waste his money. You might even need to use the word ' harassment '

Guards! Summon the palace guards, forthwith! This riff raff cannot be allowed to gain entry!

Hope the exams go well. It will be great to have them over.
Well done for making your health and well veing a priority.
Looking and feeling even better is a great boost.
Well done too for staying strong.
I don't mean to be Debbie downer, but I believe we unfortunately have some tough times ahead economy wise.
Being prudent has never been wiser.

I’ve had a pension from 21 and so very lucky - took it out from
final salary 5 years ago and placed it with Standard Life on an 8 risk factor. I
can draw 4% a year and I have savings. I just want to get a home sorted and my kids happy. X

Good for you - and the satisfaction of all your sacrifices is now paying off for you and your DCs. Your unwavering emotional investment into your DD at this time after her family broke down is essential and for her foundational emotional stability which translates into career and relationship success. It’s a deep pleasure to have reached an age where your financial and emotional investments are paying dividends. This guy didn’t do that, he had his cake and ate it and is looking to your hard work to sustain that using his charm.

Getting physically fit is also another fabulous experience that mentally powers you on. Best of luck to your DD - she’ll be fine with your total focus support. I expect he will be back after the exams are finished - that’s what the interim flowers are all about IMHO.

No - I actually don’t think he will. He wished me genuine happiness for the future and that he was sorry his situation ruined it all. He did give me confidence - I had felt invisible and unattractive and he kind of woke that up. I actually got my mojo back and hit the gym - at 57 I do ok. But the kids are my priority and my daughter is wanting me to go on dates, have some fun which is lovely opportunity to bond and get her back.

Good for you - there is nothing more precious than transitioning to a wonderful adult relationship with your DCs. It’s very precious and this is the window to nurture, protect and ensure it.

When did he last send flowers? How often has he been in touch since you ended it and how have you responded?

It sounds like you're in a much better place overall. You've made yourself a nice life through good planning and financial responsibility and your ex bf didn't bother with all that. Getting fit is another good move that will also prepare you well for your future as well as just making you feel better.

This is a really important time for your kids and they'll be pulling away but still liking having that home base. I just watched my last graduate and it's really a high life point.