Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

716 replies

Jemjemima · 21/06/2025 20:26

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

OP posts:
Lovelyweatherbluesky · 21/06/2025 22:49

ThisTicklishFatball · 21/06/2025 22:46

"I work in HR and he will not be hired at that age."

I'm shocked by this statement — not only because it's discriminatory, but because it's being made by someone claiming to work in HR, who should be familiar with their legal obligations under the Equality Act 2010.
Under this legislation, age is a protected characteristic. That means employers are legally prohibited from treating someone unfairly — including rejecting them for a job — purely based on their age, unless they can objectively justify it as a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim (and that’s a very high bar to clear).
A flat-out statement like “he will not be hired at that age” is not only unethical, it’s a textbook example of direct discrimination, which could very easily lead to an Employment Tribunal claim. It’s also the kind of comment that reflects poorly on any employer or HR professional — both morally and reputationally.

Show quote history

Sadly, this is true for many companies. I am 51, work for a big corporate company and feel I am being pushed out because if my age. They won’t recognise it of course and will find other ways of doing it. This is a company that always talk about how inclusive it is,

TomatoSandwiches · 21/06/2025 22:51

LittlleMy · 21/06/2025 22:47

How do you know he’s been disingenuous though? OPs only been with him 6m and in that time she knows all these things about him which could only be if he was truthful with her.

On a wider point, a lot of comments are advising OP to stay away and I’m just wondering how we’d be commenting if it was a woman posting she was heartbroken because her new partner found out similar info and even though he thought she was wonderful and supportive, he dumped her because she was not financially secure?

@Jemjemima The way I see it OP can still continue to see him, seems a bit drastic to me to dump and run on this basis alone. OP obviously wants to be with someone and no guarantee that she’ll find someone again on her wavelength so perfectly. May find financially secure men but they may not have the personality she’s looking for. From my experience and many MN posters the dating pool does get more shallow and shrinks further the older one gets. Life is short so if it were me, I would keep seeing them but expect them to pay their way where possible and as at 59 he still is of working age would expect him to find other work and then just see how he handles this challenge and take it from there to see if I could make it work without putting my own financial health at risk.

Edited
Show quote history

Men quite like a financially insecure woman to date because it gives them power and control, it's not the same dynamic for most women.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 22:52

There's a difference between 'not being financially secure' and being unemployed and in debt with no pension and nothing to show for a lifetime of working.

On top of this lack of income and cards being rejected, he's still going out for meals. Why? If he can't afford it, why is he doing it.

Lovelyweatherbluesky · 21/06/2025 22:53

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 22:27

It's a textbook scam.

He meets a vulnerable woman, on her own after the breakdown of a relationship - target locked in

He's attention and charming - first line of attack

He has a temporary cash flow problem - testing boundaries, does she pick up his bills - yes she does.

He is expecting a big windfall very soon - this is often an 'inheritance' or some other large sum that will set him up for life

I mean, come on OP, open your eyes.

Exactly, please listen and look after yourself and family

DodoTired · 21/06/2025 22:57

Sorry I would also run if I were you

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2025 22:59

GreySkyAtNight · 21/06/2025 22:20

It's been compulsory to pay into a pension for at least 10 years if in employment.

I don't understand how someone on 70k can have 30k debt?

I'm on 40k and have a mortgage, just me, 5k debt and a car loan.

It isnt compulsory, never has been apart for paying NI for state pension.

An employer must enroll someone into a work place pension but the employee has the right to opt out.

Cattenberg · 21/06/2025 22:59

He could be a scammer or he could just be very bad with money. I have a friend who falls into the latter category. She's usually in debt and I fear she might have paid some of her credit card debts several times over because she only used to pay the minimum payments. And yes, she still enjoyed a lot of shopping trips and restaurant meals.

Eventually, she sold her flat to wipe the slate clean. A year or two later, she had a £5,000 debt again, and finally admitted to me that she hadn't cleared all of her debts with the proceeds from her flat. She could have done, but she really wanted to buy a nice car... She's a lovely person, but there's no way I'd combine our finances!

OP, it's up to you whether you keep seeing this man, but I wouldn't let him move in and I certainly wouldn't marry him. Think of your own financial future and that of your kids.

outerspacepotato · 21/06/2025 23:05

On one hand, kids to put through school so you have to watch your pennies.

On the other, dude of a mere 6 months who you will have to support.

Which is the wise choice?

Why would you feel guilty? You haven't done anything wrong if you decide no, you are not going to support some dude you've only been seeing for 6 months. And you know that's what will happen. Would you really choose to support a dude you barely know over helping your kids?

To even be thinking about it shows you've got some serious people pleasing and codependency going on. You can't take on a project dude nor can you fix him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2025 23:09

ElleintheWoods · 21/06/2025 22:44

So he is 59, I imagine you’re similar age… Why is his financial status relevant?

I half understand women that are looking for a co-parent for a child that would pick up the cost and support them through maternity leave…

You’re probably not looking to buy a property with him, marry him, have kids with him, I’m assuming you’d have no financial ties? And you already have everything you need asset-wise.

How does his lack of money really affect you and your life?

Only real way I could think is if you see this as a growing old together situation and you want to have a lavish retirement that he can’t afford. Or if he has no money whatsoever and you worry he may be declared bankrupt or trying to con you out of your money, that’s a legitimate worry.

As a wealthy woman you have the privilege of choosing someone based on attraction and personality only, why not use it? Make your own money, be with someone funny 😎

Do men often go ‘well she’s very attractive and a lovely person but she doesn’t own much so I’ll go for someone wealthier’? Ask yourself, are you letting gender stereotypes dictate to you, even though in this situation they have no effect, and you can afford to have a toyboy in your position.

I dont even know where the start with this one........

Bebee1 · 21/06/2025 23:12

dogmandu · 21/06/2025 20:41

i'm just curious - how come he's got to age 59 with no assets and no pension?

Usually divorce.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/06/2025 23:16

This is unlikely to work out long term, whilst you have strived to be financially free with not mortgage, a pension, savings etc this man hasn't, so when you retire he will have to continue working his whole life which will probs cause resentment on his part if you're not working, or you subsidise him in retirement with your wealth or you carry on working for X amount of years so that you can financially support both of you tonretire together. I wouldn't do wither option, just move on unfortunately

Norwegianwood35 · 21/06/2025 23:18

It wouldn’t put me off having a relationship with him unless his financial situation prevented you both from going out etc, however, I would definitely not be moving in with him, or combining finances etc.

Mirrormirrorincisor · 21/06/2025 23:18

I’d find it difficult to respect him, as I’ve always been so careful with money. It’s a no from me.

gsiftpoffu · 21/06/2025 23:22

How does his lack of money really affect you and your life?
Only real way I could think is if you see this as a growing old together situation and you want to have a lavish retirement that he can’t afford. Or if he has no money whatsoever and you worry he may be declared bankrupt or trying to con you out of your money, that’s a legitimate worry

You answered your own question there

And as for this:
Do men often go ‘well she’s very attractive and a lovely person but she doesn’t own much so I’ll go for someone wealthier’? Ask yourself, are you letting gender stereotypes dictate to you, even though in this situation they have no effect, and you can afford to have a toyboy in your position

I think some men do do this. Especially men who find themselves heading towards retirement with little to no assets and a poor pension.
You're very naive if you think they don't.

There are plenty of posts about cocklodgers on here. Women with their own mortgage-free homes are a magnet for types like this.

And as I mentioned in a previous post, why is it ok to decide someone isn't for you because of sexual incompatibility, political differences, incompatibility of family circumstances etc. but as soon as it's about financial incompatibility we should all just put up with it and bankroll someone else.

MadridMadridMadrid · 21/06/2025 23:26

OP, if you do decide to carry on seeing this man, I would be very alert to the possibility of him seeking to move in with you by stealth, eg asking if he can stay with you for a week between the end of his tenancy and the start of a new one, and then telling you that the new tenancy has unexpectedly fallen through. I would avoid giving him a key to your home for any reason.

HonestOpalHelper · 21/06/2025 23:30

If he's a good man in all other ways then carry on - just don't ever get financially entwined, make that clear, be supportive in practical ways but no financial support, if he tries to involve you financially then end it.

Choppedcoriander · 21/06/2025 23:30

dogmandu · 21/06/2025 20:41

i'm just curious - how come he's got to age 59 with no assets and no pension?

Eh? Easily. I know loads of people that age with no assets or pension. It’s not unusual.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 21/06/2025 23:31

Huge no from me, really sad but I’ve worked way too hard for my stability to want to be with anyone who couldn’t match it (in ethic / moral approach to life, or cold hard assets). It’s a big red flag if you’re already observing some questionable financial behaviour.

HonestOpalHelper · 21/06/2025 23:38

gsiftpoffu · 21/06/2025 23:22

How does his lack of money really affect you and your life?
Only real way I could think is if you see this as a growing old together situation and you want to have a lavish retirement that he can’t afford. Or if he has no money whatsoever and you worry he may be declared bankrupt or trying to con you out of your money, that’s a legitimate worry

You answered your own question there

And as for this:
Do men often go ‘well she’s very attractive and a lovely person but she doesn’t own much so I’ll go for someone wealthier’? Ask yourself, are you letting gender stereotypes dictate to you, even though in this situation they have no effect, and you can afford to have a toyboy in your position

I think some men do do this. Especially men who find themselves heading towards retirement with little to no assets and a poor pension.
You're very naive if you think they don't.

There are plenty of posts about cocklodgers on here. Women with their own mortgage-free homes are a magnet for types like this.

And as I mentioned in a previous post, why is it ok to decide someone isn't for you because of sexual incompatibility, political differences, incompatibility of family circumstances etc. but as soon as it's about financial incompatibility we should all just put up with it and bankroll someone else.

It works both ways, I'm a man, have a mortgage free home, own business, and there are a good number of female vulchers out there trying to get their hands on your money, I'm sure its the same the other way too.

The best solution, which I was lucky enough to find is a partner with much the same - so there is no awkwardness, but, if the OPs man is a great guy and isn't after her cash, I say go for it, with caution, no financial involvement, if he moves in do so as a lodger with an agreement and rent etc..

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 23:40

Choppedcoriander · 21/06/2025 23:30

Eh? Easily. I know loads of people that age with no assets or pension. It’s not unusual.

Show quote history

With a 70k salary?

gsiftpoffu · 21/06/2025 23:42

HonestOpalHelper · 21/06/2025 23:38

It works both ways, I'm a man, have a mortgage free home, own business, and there are a good number of female vulchers out there trying to get their hands on your money, I'm sure its the same the other way too.

The best solution, which I was lucky enough to find is a partner with much the same - so there is no awkwardness, but, if the OPs man is a great guy and isn't after her cash, I say go for it, with caution, no financial involvement, if he moves in do so as a lodger with an agreement and rent etc..

Show quote history

So it's ok for you to filter out female vultures (and by the way, I've never said there aren't women like that) but the OP should go for it (with caution)?
You've found a partner with a similar level of assets to you. Good for you. That's what OP should do too.

NoWayRose · 21/06/2025 23:46

I’m sorry but if his first retirement plan is to get an unfair dismissal payout, it’s very feasible that the other half of this plan would be to find a woman with a few assets. It’s the most obvious step in his shoes surely. This would make me uncomfortable

outerspacepotato · 21/06/2025 23:47

MadridMadridMadrid · 21/06/2025 23:26

OP, if you do decide to carry on seeing this man, I would be very alert to the possibility of him seeking to move in with you by stealth, eg asking if he can stay with you for a week between the end of his tenancy and the start of a new one, and then telling you that the new tenancy has unexpectedly fallen through. I would avoid giving him a key to your home for any reason.

Quoted for truth.

Watch out for this.

nettie434 · 21/06/2025 23:50

I think people who are good with money often find it hard to understand how other people can, through a combination of bad luck and incompetence, end up in a precarious financial situation.

Financial acumen is a good thing but it is not the only thing that makes a relationship. There are too many women posting here who have partners who are very financially secure but who are also financially controlling or who seek to conceal their assets, leaving the woman with a minimal income and pension rights.

So far, it seems, he has not asked you to help him financially and he has many other good points. As others have said, there is no need for you to be linked in any way financially. Your difference in income would only be a problem if you wanted to go on expensive holidays or days out.

Having a partner who is financially solvent is only important if you envisage putting your finances together. It's also worth remembering that if he were financially secure and you were not, how would you feel about him ending the relationship?

BountifulPantry · 21/06/2025 23:51

I would end it now.

he's a recipe for disaster.

Swipe left for the next trending thread