Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

in your shoes I’d enjoy the sex and casual relationship but draw the line at that to avoid commitment and living together (unless he has an exceptional reason for being in debt and pensionless and assetless despite a healthy income). I would be concerned he’s a man-child, got a Coke/gambling habit or would make your retirement uncomfortable

Yes, I think the complete charm and attentiveness in the first 6 months of dating doesn’t tell you anything at all. Most people understand that if they are their true selves from the get go, they’d scare people off. They’d need to get a future partner to the stage where they have a lot of emotions invested in them to walk away - the sunk cost fallacy.

The man is nearly 60, and has a whole past, which he keeps very close to his chest. Keep your thinking cap on and be wary. Think of him of a foreign country that takes time to understand and explore.

Yes, relegate this one to FWB.

Trust your gut.

It doesn’t sound good, 59, in debt, no assets, no pension. If course you need some sort of stability at that age.

It's a textbook scam.

He meets a vulnerable woman, on her own after the breakdown of a relationship - target locked in

He's attention and charming - first line of attack

He has a temporary cash flow problem - testing boundaries, does she pick up his bills - yes she does.

He is expecting a big windfall very soon - this is often an 'inheritance' or some other large sum that will set him up for life

I mean, come on OP, open your eyes.

No, I'm afraid your instinct to run is right. I'm quite the generous romantic too - love over money and all that - and it's taken a couple of long-lasting blows to my finances to teach me otherwise.

No harm done yet however, and I commend you for listening to your uneasy feelings about this relationship. However sweet the guy is, it's you and your daughter's security at stake. This man has serious problems with money, and needs yours like a zombie needs blood. (Sorry, just been watching 28 Days.)

Time to initiate Project Conscious Uncoupling!

I never earned more than half that amount yet managed to raise a child on my own, pay off a mortgage, pay into a pension even though that was later in life than I would have liked and managed to have a small amount of savings. I am sure you are currently having a good time with him but I would be really catious about what may lie ahead. It is the debt that would worry me, not the lack of assets.

He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September

What do you mean by insurance? Health insurance? Are you in the US and he needs to be insured through work?

How is he earning 70K a year and has no assets, no pension and debt. That's really weird. As for the unfair dismissal claim, he might not even have a case and even if he does he might not get some massive pay out.

I would not move this bloke in and certainly not share finances.
You do have to be careful as you have your own home and pension, savings etc.
There's an imbalance there (and I'd be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed). It's too easy to be taken advantage of.
People of that age who haven't got a pension and assets need to secure a good retirement somehow and what's one way to do that? Find someone who is financially stable and latchon.

If you are enjoying the relationship and he's kind and you get on well etc, you can continue as you are but make clear to him that you won't be moving in together. Then see what happens. He'll probably do a runner if you say that, problem solved.

You are financially incompatible. Get rid.

He is a charming loser op, it's quite easy to be on your best behaviour for 6 months, even easier if you are trying to get something out of someone.

Have you had to say no to him yet... most men reveal themselves when you say no to something so keep that in mind and pay very close attention to his reaction when you do.

The story just doesn’t make sense. Even IF he has a case for unfair dismissal, he’s only been made redundant “recently” and his insurance etc is still paying, so redundancy certainly doesn’t explain the debts and the total lack of assets. You need to protect yourself financially.

If I really liked him it probably wouldn't bother me massively as long as they could pay half towards holidays etc, and the odd theatre show etc. I don't particularly care for a lavish lifestyle.
However, I would absolutely not be moving in with him. If you don't do that, it's not a huge problem. I currently live alone and don't think I would want to move in with another person anyway.

I would feel the same way but if you like him and enjoy his company why not continue to see him?
obviously stay in your respective homes and keep finances completely separate unless you agree to pool for example a holiday

Agree.
People need to be much more aware of financial incompatibility and understand that it's ok to want someone in an equal financial position and that it isn't gold digging or snobbery or mean or whatever for wanting this.
It's seems fine to decide not to continue a relationship because of things like sexual incompatibility, political differences, religious incompatibility, differences in interests, nothing in common etc. But as soon as financial incompatibility is mentioned people seem to get really wound up about it and start calling people gold diggers or snobs.

He's 59 with nothing to show for it except debt.
No assets. No pension. No job in the near future. Retirement is looming.
Think on that.

Don't get sucked in.

Gambling or escorts. Choose your vice.

Could he be a gambler ?

That second paragraph is so true. You’ve probably been on your best behaviour as well, and willing to pay for meals as well. What happens if you suggest something different or say no? Has there been any slight signs of indignation, or irritation, however small, which may reveal his true colours.

I think you'll find it's called age discrimination. Something being unlawful doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

So he is 59, I imagine you’re similar age… Why is his financial status relevant?

I half understand women that are looking for a co-parent for a child that would pick up the cost and support them through maternity leave…

You’re probably not looking to buy a property with him, marry him, have kids with him, I’m assuming you’d have no financial ties? And you already have everything you need asset-wise.

How does his lack of money really affect you and your life?

Only real way I could think is if you see this as a growing old together situation and you want to have a lavish retirement that he can’t afford. Or if he has no money whatsoever and you worry he may be declared bankrupt or trying to con you out of your money, that’s a legitimate worry.

As a wealthy woman you have the privilege of choosing someone based on attraction and personality only, why not use it? Make your own money, be with someone funny 😎

Do men often go ‘well she’s very attractive and a lovely person but she doesn’t own much so I’ll go for someone wealthier’? Ask yourself, are you letting gender stereotypes dictate to you, even though in this situation they have no effect, and you can afford to have a toyboy in your position.

I wouldn’t separate over this but I wouldn’t move in together or share finances either

"I work in HR and he will not be hired at that age."

I'm shocked by this statement — not only because it's discriminatory, but because it's being made by someone claiming to work in HR, who should be familiar with their legal obligations under the Equality Act 2010.
Under this legislation, age is a protected characteristic. That means employers are legally prohibited from treating someone unfairly — including rejecting them for a job — purely based on their age, unless they can objectively justify it as a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim (and that’s a very high bar to clear).
A flat-out statement like “he will not be hired at that age” is not only unethical, it’s a textbook example of direct discrimination, which could very easily lead to an Employment Tribunal claim. It’s also the kind of comment that reflects poorly on any employer or HR professional — both morally and reputationally.

Wise words here I think.

How do you know he’s been disingenuous though? OPs only been with him 6m and in that time she knows all these things about him which could only be if he was truthful with her.

On a wider point, a lot of comments are advising OP to stay away and I’m just wondering how we’d be commenting if it was a woman posting she was heartbroken because her new partner found out similar info and even though he thought she was wonderful and supportive, he dumped her because she was not financially secure?

@Jemjemima The way I see it OP can still continue to see him, seems a bit drastic to me to dump and run on this basis alone. OP obviously wants to be with someone and no guarantee that she’ll find someone again on her wavelength so perfectly. May find financially secure men but they may not have the personality she’s looking for. From my experience and many MN posters the dating pool does get more shallow and shrinks further the older one gets. Life is short so if it were me, I would keep seeing them but expect them to pay their way where possible and as at 59 he still is of working age would expect him to find other work and then just see how he handles this challenge and take it from there to see if I could make it work without putting my own financial health at risk.

People can see red flags in all sorts of situations. OP, I’m not saying you’re wrong! But I would see a separated man (not divorced) who is dating less than a year after an established relationship as a big red flag. It would scream unprocessed emotional baggage to me.
So it really can work both ways.