Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

30k of debts at 59. How does he intend to lay this off? How and why has he got the debt?

Surely any payout, if he gets any, will go towards this?

I’d end the relationship also. You’re not financially compatible and this will breed resentment in the future. Has the love bombing and hints about moving in started yet, because I can see this will happen when he’s a broke, unemployed person?

Really?

It's been a 6 month friendship. Not something where he's supported her through years of trauma.

If OP wants to continue the friendship, it has to be with eyes wide open to her own financial commitments (for her own life and to support her dc), and to the current and potentially worsening financial situation of her friend.

The numbers on a bank statment are incredibly important. As is the trajectory that got the 'friend' to a place with no pension and no assets. That's some big 'baggage' that needs unpacked.

It all depends how you want to see it.

1. The chances of meeting another nice / good bloke are remote. You've only got to look at the shit show of OLD to know this. And the massive current move of women towards not wanting to date due to the quality of men that are available. You've been lucky enough (hopefully) to find a nice one, but he's a car crash financially. You COULD be blunt. Tell him you're never going to live with him (don't have to tell him why) because he is going to see that as a benefit to him at some point, even if he presents it as a positive move for your relationship. Blame your ex for putting you totally off the idea if you want. And stand firm on it. Never living with another man, ever again.

2. He's a car crash financially. And that is a huge red flag. He will probably end up being a financial burden to you at some point. You'd probably be better off alone. Again, you don't have to tell him why.

All depends on your viewpoint really.

I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc

His face

I would not be keen to continue mainly because I would worry that he had an eye on my home/money. I experienced this with a couple of men when I was online dating. I wouldn’t be concerned about him renting, more that he is nearly 60 and has nothing including no job.

Sounds like my ex, he gambled everything

I’d be worried that someone on 70k and racked up 30k of debt and continued to live beyond his means and had cards rejected. Wonder if he has got some sort of gambling problem or addiction.

If I had my 20s back I’d tell myself not to waste a moment with someone when I realised they’d not be someone I’d settle down with. I’m sure you’re not wanting more kids, but you may want to spend you life with someone, so same applies here. I was seeing someone casually turn serious and I knew I wouldn’t settle with him and we still wasted 4 years! Carrying on will stop you meeting someone on your page.

You’ll never fix him. At 59, he’s got under ten years of employment, and the job market is tough out there (speaking from experience).

£70000 brings you over £4k a month (according to salary calculator), so if you take out £2500 for rent and living, that still leaves you £1500 a month. That debt could have been paid off in two years! If he’s not had the sense to do this before. He won’t now.

His money issues have given you the ick. Don’t feel sorry for him - they’re his own doing. Listen to your gut and run.

@Jemjemima In my 40's and coming out of a difficult marriage I met a wonderful man - kind, intelligent, funny, sexy. It became apparant that despite his high paying job he was financially incompetent. Give him 50p and he'd feel rich and spend £1

Yes he'd had some hard situations (negative equity, paying high levels of child support) but over the course of a couple of years it was evident that nothing was improving. He was the person he was and financial mismanagement was part of that.

I couldn't risk my money, or my dc's money. And ultimately his financial inability dimmed my ardour anyway.

Years later, I read in a newspaper that he'd done something very wrong, was struck off his professional register and was bankrupt. He was that leopard and I'd never have changed his spots.

now you know why his kind, loving and generous. In his eyes the effort is worth the payout.

This! This!!

It's not great to judge someone on money but on the practical side of things if you were to ever move in together it would likely affect your own credit rating being associated with his debts.

OP, some people are very capable of doing what they need to do to get what they want.

My father - perpetually skint - was an utter dick to my DM.

After she died, he found himself a wealthy widow. He was sweetness and light her. Charm personified. Moved in with her. Kept her sweet, because his comfort was on the line.

Just because this man is being nice to you, it doesn't mean he's a good bet for a long term relationship. Clarify that you'll never marry him, never move him in, and see how responds.

Personally, having grown up with a financial incompetent, I'd run a bloody mile from a bloke of almost 60 with no job, no house, no assets and no pension AND a whacking great unsecured debt - it's the debt that would clinch it. Oh, and the 'my unfair dismissal payment which I'm so sure I'll get will solve all my financial problems'. Shades of my bloody idiot of a father.

Is this because you're concerned about him losing his rental one time, turning up on your doorstep as an emergency and then you're stuck with him? Just when you've got your place to yourself? That would be my concern. It's okay to not be financially compatible..it's a huge part of who someone is. You sound like chalk and cheese.

He has no financial sense. Why on earth are you still dating him, have you zero self respect, unable to recognise red flags?

You say money isn’t important to you, while wanting to run because he hasnt got any,,, If you like him and he’s a nice person, just keep finances separate. Or do you think he has you pegged as a source of financial support? Because if it’s that, you should have dumped him already.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't live within their means. Being slightly overdrawn makes me feel so anxious. I wouldn't want a partner who had lots of debt.

Does he have a gambling habit ?

I get the feeling that he is generous and loving because he is generous and loving. But has always kicked the financial can down the road. Suspect that something or someone has always bailed him out so he has never had to face up to his financial reality and deal with it. Probably lurches from financial crisis to financial crisis, just manage to find the next thing to pull his ass out of the fire temporarily.

So I would have a cards on the table conversation that you will not commit to a LTR with someone with no financial sense and that much debt. That you are happy to be casual with him for fun, but that you dont see a future with him.

You're just about to be divorced - why the rush/need to tie yourself to another person? Divorce is really hard, but one of the joys of it if you have the means, is your financial independence. You decide where and when your own money that you have earned through your own hard work is spent.

Your new chap sounds nice enough but keep it casual and make it clear what the arrangement is. If he's not happy with this, then it tells you all you need to know anyway.

it absolutely is ok to judge,
It doesn’t show much intelligence or common sense to end up in that position.
And there will be skeletons to come out of the closet soon too.
Someone of that age had the benefit of free university tuition and houses were some much cheaper in the past. I’m 59 and I find this story unbelievable/suspect.
No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to live.
Protect you and your daughter’s lives and finances op.

It's been compulsory to pay into a pension for at least 10 years if in employment.

I don't understand how someone on 70k can have 30k debt?

I'm on 40k and have a mortgage, just me, 5k debt and a car loan.

My experience of people with issues managing their money and I don't mean people who are on a low salary and trying their best, I mean people who have persistent debt , is that they are usually also carrying a number of other issues .
There is always a sense of entitlement and frequently narcissism.
The charming, perfect man is how they usually present
He's amazing, caring etc but can't manage to protect himself as an adult, yet you are being told by others on here to look beyond the finances-to put yourself at risk " for a man

He's supposedly getting a pay out that will equal a pension.
Unless he has been injured in a life changing way this is fabrication.
You said he is planning to use this in an unwise way.
Don't listen to all the fairytale bullshit, please just don't
Pound to a penny he's a loser, don't let him drag you down.
Think about your teen DC, they need stability not a mother who ignores her gut feeling and wrecks their and her lives.

And if this guy had been the main carer for two SEN kids, I’m sure she’d have some sympathy. But actually this guy has supposedly been earning £70k per year up until very recently - so where has it all gone?

Like other posters, I also cannot help noticing the timeline - Sept 24 he is conveniently “made redundant” (do you have any actual evidence of this, or the £70k salary?).

Dec 24 he meets you, and behaves like Mr Charming in every possible way.

June 25 he tells you his story of woe, but not to worry! he has a highly dubious six figure payout coming his way “very soon”.

The next steps will either be “please loan me £100k until my payout”, after which you will never see him again. Or he’ll try to move in.

I think this question is key, no matter what nasty surprises he has been dealt with, it takes a constant stream of bad decision to end where he is.

i would say that, even if he gets a payout and clear his debts, he will be back in severe debt soon if you give him enough time.