Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.

Are you ACTUALLY legally married?

This is beyond bizarre.
Either break up with him (if you aren't married) or tell him you want a divorce and start divorce proceedings. He sounds workshy, secretive and aggressive

I had to double check your post when you said husband ! I would ask why you dont live together but reading your post think it is a good thing. Let him stay at mummy's full time .

What?

What's the point in being married to him?

You married him??

FFS.

How did you end up married to a man child? As he always lived with his mother and not worked?

I have no words.
Help me out by listing all the things you love about him and what he brings to your life (shouldn’t take long).
Or just change your locks, tell him to stay with his mum, and see how long it is before you miss him (might take a lot longer).
And look up ‘respect’, ‘share’, ‘appreciate’.

Can you list his good points because it’s very hard to understand what YOU get out of this arrangement? There will need to a lot of really good points to make this childish, sulky nonsense worthwhile.

OP, this man brings nothing to your life.

But. I am a little concerned that, should you divorce him, he might, after 9 years together, have some claim on your property. So whereas I think you would probably be a whole lot happier without this exploitative deadbeat in your life, I urge caution and a free half hour with a solicitor before taking steps to initiate divorce proceedings.

Best of luck.

This is no marriage. What do you like about him, op? What benefits does he bring to your life?

I’d suggest leaving him and rebuilding your life without him in it. you deserve better!

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful too.

And this

No offense Deb, but what the fuck?

Yes am legally married to him (have been for 5 years) and backlong he did move in with me but I can't afford him full time. Plus I feel crap when he's here. I'm considering divorce proceedings but just a bit scared of it all. I have no assets (I rent and have no savings) so nothing he can take from me in that respect. Plus I'd save money from not spending on him! It's the emotional side, the fact the longer it goes on the more stupid I feel for allowing it/his behaviour

Deb, get rid of him. Free yourself.

Do it. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Wow get rid!

if he isn’t working or claiming benefits then he’s either selling his body, selling drugs, doing other illegal things or mummy is giving him money.

this is not a marriage at all

You can't afford him Full Time?
Bloody Hell woman please wise up, he brings nothing to your life and just takes.
Why are you doing this?

Good for you Deb for seeing he's a user and starting to recognise . I can understand you are scared but lots of posters here will have really good advice for you. Good luck!

You are worth far more than this! Send him back to mummy’s when he tries to come round (don’t tell me, because he wants sex?) What are you getting from the relationship? Is he on the tenancy? I’d take his keys and tell him to never come bac. Brings his washing? Wtaf?! And you do it? Stop being a mug! He’s a total loser.

Well done for taking the first step - realising that he’s just taking, giving you nothing, that you need to change this.
Feeling scared is kind of normal?
But the next step is to get over that enough to actually make the change. There isn’t really much to be scared off - apart from maybe what his reaction might be, but guess you’ll know that best. You’ll get plenty of support and advice here but all it really needs is for you to be tough enough to tell him to pick up his stuff and go, get the locks changed, download the divorce papers and start the process . There really isn’t any reason not to - and you know you’ll feel so much better for doing it.

No he's not on my tenancy, doesn't have keys and there's nothing of his here (apart from maybe some dry clean washing) He doesn't exist in this house when he's not here. It's embarrassing as the neighbours must wonder what's going on but I just don't talk to anyone about it

Have you ever lived together?

In that case you've got absolutely nothing to lose by divorcing him. You'll have more money, you'll feel better knowing you've had the confidence to end a relationship that's doing nothing positive for you. Don't think about it in terms of feeling stupid for having put up with it, be proud of yourself for recognising that he's bad for you and getting rid. Things can only be better without him.

That is the weirdest set up, ever. Divorce.

How did you arrive at this low point?. Yes change is scary but you cannot go on like you are. Do no further be a passenger I.There are no medals handed out to martyrs

Abuse thrives in secrecy and your husband is anything but a husband You are to him nothing but an unpaid washer woman who has MUG written on her forehead.

He is likely subsided by his mother. He’s done a blinding job having two saps in both you and his mother looking after him.