Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Are you sure that it's his Mother he's living with? Sounds a bit double lifey to me!

Now it's no fault divorce it can be simple. Obviously it costs some money but it'll be an investment you get back cutting the dead weight soonee rather than later.

If you have no assets you'll be fine.
Cost of a no fault divorce. £593.
Cost of Financial separation order can be less than £400+vat.

But if you're own low income they may give you divorce cost back in full or part of it only to pay. You apply get a number and then apply with that fees order number on your divorce application.

I saw a super cheap one at 199 or 299 but that was a couple of years ago.

If he makes you feel rubbish in addition to sponging off you. Just go for it? The money you save on supporting him can be a nest egg going forward or pension.

You got this. 💪🏻

well done for getting this far. Find the support you need to take the next step. There are loads of woman's groups on FB Thrive is one. Lots of single women supporting each other and meeting up.
You can do this.
Ps stop doing his washing and giving sex, tell him your now charging and he has to pay as you need the money to support his kids. He'll soon stop coming over.

I’m going to hold your hand while I say this OP. You are being not only financially abused, but psychologically too. Are you trapped in a the mindset of “I’ll never find anyone else”???? Because you will and once you end this relationshit (no typo) you’ll feel such a sense of freedom and relief.

Being capable of work but choosing not to because you’re comfortable having everyone else pay your rent, gas, electricity, water, food and council tax bills is ABUSE. There is absolutely NO excuse. If this was a friend or neighbour treating you this way you’d have something to say about it.

You do not deserve this, and this pathetic excuse of a sponger who has never contributed a thing, and has never put any effort into your lives needs to go. Be that girl who makes her life better and chooses herself xx

OP, you only have one life to live and you are wasting it with this absolute loser. I realise you probably love him otherwise you've have ended things, presumably, but sometimes love isn't enough. I agree with pps, end it and move on to better things.

I'm wondering this about the OP. Rude maybe but this us one of the most mind-blowing relationship threads I've seen for a while.

OP, good luck with getting rid of this complete waste of space. Why you've not done it before now beggars belief.

I don't believe living apart is weird (very common, many do for lots of reasons such as keep their own pre-marraige homes for security, for work, deployment, caring responsibilities etc...) or having privacy in your finances (being married doesn't change that) things.

You shouldn't be doing his laundry (your a wife not a washer woman) and always paying for everything though, stop doing those things for him. If you go out or order takeaway etc... then only pay for yourself if he never reciprocates.

This is what I thought!

OP: you have nothing but nothing to lose by initiating divorce. I know you are scared; find out what steps you need to take (lots of advice on these boards) and then as PP have suggested confide in someone in real life and just FDI. You life will be so much better.

So he just has 2 free maids
his mum and you
but without the financial commitment or paying you basically

Can I ask, what do you get from this marriage?

Pack his bags, and dirty laundry. Send him to his mum indefinitely.
Start divorce proceedings. It will be painless as no children, no goods to be shared.
You deserve better. And you'll probably be better off and happier on your own.

I will never understand why some people are so afraid of being single.

OP you may be married on paper but you are single.

In fact, you are worse than single because you have someone scrounging off of you and using you and you can’t even find anyone else or enjoy the benefits of being single.

Apart from sex (which you can get from anyone) what is the benefits of this relationship?

He must be absolutely loving life but he doesn’t like you or respect.

I will never understand why you’re ok with being treated like this.

I was a homeless, jobless, teenage single parent with no family or friends and I still didn’t allow myself to ever be treated like this.
Having no one is better than having someone who disrespects you.

You are (even though you don’t realise it) a very strong, independent woman because you are doing it all yourself anyway.

I urge you to find one poster who says this relationship is ok because I can guarantee that you won’t.

Please end it and find your self respect.
You will be so much happier!!

Not sure if you’re reading reply’s, but divorce will make you so much happier. He is a frankly a waste of a human being! Whatever his issues are, he is no use to you, society or himself! I am very liberal, but there literally is no point to him!

Be kind to yourself. You are strong enough to divorce him and, I’ve no doubt that you will feel much better when that dead weight is cut off! Imagine all of that time and space you will have. The time needed to work on yourself, do the things you love to do and in the process build yourself up to place of happiness and contentment. You deserve it!

Op, maybe you already realise this but he is an alcoholic. (He drinks whatever alcohol he can find at your house and hoes to one or two pubs every day).

my first reactions were- are you actually married (you already answered this as more asked it), is he actually staying with his mum (or another woman?)? How is he getting his money? (Is he involved in criminal behaviour? Is he stealing from his mother? Is she enabling him by giving it??). Op you know how much he drinks so you can do the maths to figure out what he is spending in the pubs every day. You say he has no income. He has to get that money somehow. If he has no income it must be criminal activities.

You probably realise this already as it’s a mumsnet favourite, but he’s a cocklodger. He’s coming over to you once or twice a week with his laundry (and I’m guessing for a shag).

You know he’s bringing you nothing (unless he’s the world’s best shagger), so why remain married? If you can’t bring yourself to get divorced at least stop enabling his behaviour. He’s coming over because you allow it. STOP allowing it. He’s bringing his laundry because you do it for him. STOP doing his laundry. He’s coming over for a shag because you’re shagging him him back. STOP shagging him. He’s drinking at your place because you have alcohol in the house. Get rid of it /hide it behind lock and key. If you do all these things I doubt you’ll see him much anymore /at all because he’s not coming over as your husband, he’s simply using you as a cleaner, barlady and someone to shag.

I cannot see any aspect of your life that wouldn't be better without this excuse for a man in it.

Some posters are saying to get a divorce which I 100% agree with but that can come in time.

For now, tell him it’s over, give him back his stuff and change the locks.

Please don’t waste any more of your precious life on this man.

Your set up is so ridiculous that it is almost unbelievable, almost......but the more one learns about men the more poor behaviour one encounters.
I suggest you stop allowing him to visit at all, change locks if necessary. As you get used to living alone hopefully your self-confidence will return and you will feel able to file for divorce. There is absolutely no point staying married.
Do you have any friends, relatives, colleagues you can talk to for support? Everyone is going to tell you to divorce him. You only get one life, you cannot waste it like this.

Hi Deb. Sorry to read your predicament. I can't find anything you have wrote which shows his love. Maybe there is but as someone who continued a relationship about 6 years too long, although not to your level, you'll feel so much better getting rid.

I’m going to bookmark this thread OP because I hope you come back to it to get the support you need to get your divorce sorted. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice to add, but sending you a big hug and bravery, I hope you can realise you are worth more than this, and will be happier single than with your husband weighing you down

JFC OP you don't have a husband, you have a cocklodger! He brings nothing to this relationship - divorce him already! Are you even sure that it's his mother that he stays with when he's not sucking the joy out of your life? If you're on a low income you may qualify for Legal Aid, it's definitely worth finding out - if there's a Citizens Advice (assuming you're in the UK) near you, see them and they will point you in the right direction. Good luck.

You know the answer to all this otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on MN - be smart, be brave and take control of your life and your happiness. You KNOW this is not a good relationship DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TODAY!!
You can have a happy life and most likely find a partner who will love and respect you but it’s down to you, get this poor excuse of a man out of your life for good.

Be very careful, op. This man has obviously tricked you into marrying him by using the magic words”I Love You”. It sounds like a very long game love fraud.

You need to get rid asap becuse he will be after what little you have. What a fucking bastard.

First post nails it.

Make sure he doesn’t have keys to house. Once you are divorced then look at claiming UC and paying single person for council tax to reduce your bills.

stop doing the clothes washing. Tell him not to bring it anymore and if he doesn’t then just leave it alone or return it to his mum’s house.

time to focus on you. You can often get 30 mins free advice from solicitors so you know your rights

It might be helpful to go back to the therapist and get them to help you to leave him, so you have some real life, unjudgemental, support in place.

As he brings nothing to the table you will not be facing a financial loss, and I think that once you break through, you will find you life improves so much.

He has somewhere to go - so that shouldnt be any kind of barrier.

Practically, does he have all his clothes clean and ready to go - if he took them home today, would that leave your house free of him.

Could you text him once he has left to say not to come back, that you are finished. If not this week, but perhaps another week thats just like this week.

You sound as if you are ready to pull off the plaster but are scared of the reaction from him when half his support network pulls the rug. Thats not to be surprised because he sounds nasty. Some people call the police to alert them that they are breaking up with someone, just so an alert is ready, even if not needed. Done by text once he has left, you could inform him that the police have been notified and should he decide to come to the house, they will be coming and you wont be opening the door. He likely wont want the hassle.

Its scary to think of change, but your life sounds so worn down by him in so many ways. Think that many women have had partners they love dearly leave them, and they have survived and moved onto a better life, so a man who is awful leaving IS survivable, even if right now it sounds frightening.

And dont forget that he can gaslight and blame you or say you are over reacting as much as he likes - it still doesnt mean you have to stay with him, because it is a free country and you can choose to divorce for any reason that you want, you dont need his consent - thats only relevent at the marriage part.

The marriage contract holds so many promises he has broken. Ultimately though, you dont want to be married to him any more, and that is the only thing that matters - no fault divorce means you dont even need to explain why. It can be done quickly and easily, and even if he objects, it will still happen. You have the power to do it, and I believe you can, and will.