Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Why did you marry jobless bum in the first place.

OP - this is far easier than you think it is. He does not have a key. He is not on the tenancy, and he pays no bills. He has no claim on any of your belongings. He has somewhere else to live already. The only things he can't get from his mother are sex and laundry, so he uses you for them.

You don't need to think about divorce yet. Just say you have had enough and he is not to come back. Tell him it is over. The end.

And what did you do after your last post? What advice did you follow?

I've realised today I don't even like him. Not long got out of bed and will sit in the garden now for the rest of the day (he's here at mine today) drinking my vodka/whatever alcohol he can find. I'll shop/cook/clean. I don't understand how any man/human can have no sense of shame with themselves. He justifies his selfishness as 'self awareness' that he has to study his conspiracy theories (well I call them that!) online and that takes his time up. The more I write the worse it sounds

Lots of women post on MN a number of times over several years before eventually finding the courage to end an awful relationship. The OP is one of them, so let's bear that in mind, shall we?

The more I write the worse it sounds

To us yes... and to you too? Are you beginning to finally see the light?

He is a loser, will always be a loser and will continue to drag you down. Get rid, find someone who actually adds to your life

Why on earth have you let him in today?!

There is not one attractive redeeming feature about this man.
Why did you marry him were you living together at that point.

How strange, u r married but he doesn’t live with u and u don’t like him being around u.

If he's not working or claiming benefits then either he must be doing cash in hand work, or his mum gives him money, or he's doing something illegal to get cash for the pub.

He brings nothing to your life, and just pops round for sex and to get his washing done. Raise your damn standards and dump him!

Just read your other threads.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! This is absolute madness.

He lied about being HIV positive, but you still married him. He was a useless husband but instead of splitting up, you conduct a partial relationship where he takes and you give and make yourself feel like shit.

He uses you like a puppet when it suits you. He is draining rhe life out of you.

He isn’t going to change. If you keep doing what you’re doing now nothing will ever change. What is it going to take for you to wake up, OP?

And yet he is still there?

Your life, your choice. It’s up to you if you want to live like this, isn’t it.

Yes, I do know that. But if it's a continuation thread, it's helpful to know what she's done, to avoid making irrelevant suggestions.

So he brings his dirty washing to you, drinks your alcohol, & presumably fucks you.
His Mum can do the first 2, & you can manage without the 3rd.

LTB is often said on MN, but you don't need to as he doesn't live with you.

Just divorce the nasty waste-of-space.

I had some therapy recently. I know they can't tell you what to do as such but she was useful in me working on myself and stop trying to change someone or hope they change and I've accepted that. It been suggested I try and talk to him about how I feel but it's a waste of time as he'll gaslight me and say I'm the problem. So yes, I am ready to initiate divorce proceedings but scared of his reaction

OP you know what you have to do. Start divorce proceedings immediately and cut this loser out of your life. I honestly can't believe that you've put up with him for so long. Please realise you deserve so much better.

Don't be afraid of his reaction you have the advantage that he doesn't live with you. Change the locks, get a ring doorbell, block his calls & emails & see a solicitor.

Scared of his reaction how? Is he likely to be violent? Do you have anyone to support you? It should be logistically straightforward, file for divorce and change the locks.

if he is likely to be abusive when he reacts then you can speak to the police for support.

Mate! Just LTB! The whole situation sounds odd and you really don’t need this, can’t believe you’ve put up with this. Sorry to sound blunt but …….

Your post was shocking to me.

He only lives with you part time and you're legally tied to someone who you have no idea how they make their income???

but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day

Either his mum is giving him money (I assume they're wealthy), or he's a criminal OP.

Divorce him now before he sinks the both of you!

Wha did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. All this about hoping people change (people rarely if eve chang) and or wanting to change people can start on childhood. Were you made to feel responsible for other people’s feelings?

Where did all that start with you?. It’s basically how you’ve got into this situation now. You cannot afford to be in such a situation like this going forward either.

Maybe starting divorce proceedings seems scary too because it makes this seem far more real. He may kick off only concise you’ve now seen through him with the result the gravy train is coming off the buffers.

You need to reclaim your life and not remain as his unpaid washer woman and bar maid.

Change the locks and divorce him! Ffs you’re getting nothing from this relationship, life’s too short to live like this