Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Do you mean boyfriend ? Husbands don’t usually live somewhere else unless it’s working away , am surprised you lasted 9 years if he was a friend mooching off me I would have ended it imagine a husband never paying for anything get him out girl 🫣 one more thing are you sure he doesn’t claim benefits and is hiding that from you so he doesn’t pay that is why he would be living somewhere else .

Just wanted to send you my best wishes OP. You can do this!!!

Hes taking the piss. Tell him to sod off and you get on with your life. Jesus what a knob he is. Living with mammy n using you. Get rid. X

If you need to move anyway, take this as an opportunity for a big declutter and only take the things with you that you want in your new home, new life.

Get rid of the excess, useless, worn out crap that drags you down, costs you money to store and brings no joy to you.

Discard it, dump it and walk away with your lovely kid.

Start your new stage afresh.

As in - don't give him a key. Don't give him your new address until you need to for divorce proceedings. Communicate only via formal emails (and keep them).

Can we help you compose an email setting out what you're going to do and how things are going to be in future?

I'd be worried about his mum, though. Might be worth a message to social services because it may be a case of elder abuse / financial abuse going on.

And do get one of those free solicitor consultations and find out about divorce proceedings. You deserve better than this.

I wonder if him walking out back to his mum's could be taken as him abandoning you?

'Desertion', that's the word I was looking for.

www.lawsociety.org.uk/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce/

I was thinking 'desertion' but he hasn't exactly left me as such. However further down that list is having 'lived apart' for two years or more, which essentially we do as nothing whatsoever is shared between us. Nothing of his is here (maybe some washing!) and he's never been on any documents (tenancy/bills) Therefore the divorce bit should be simple in that way

I am worried you’re not going to do anything to change this, OP. 😟 I’m worried you’re going to accept this madness as your lot.

It's housing associations.not owned.hes not on the tenancy. He has no claim to her home.

Just irretrievable breakdown of marriage, is all you need.ive just done mine.its was all online.took about 6 months.go on the gov website.

I agree with your son. File for divorce, move and don’t tell him where 🤷🏼‍♀️

Deb,you've had some good advice on here which you would be silly not to act on,I had a similar situation years ago only with a boyfriend, coming and going just turning up,now I think why on earth did I put up with that for years.
I would suggest not going straight into divorce till you feel strong enough, just tell him you no longer want to be in the marriage, have his clothes ready in the hall ,don't listen to what he has to say just tell him to leave .
Then give yourself a few months to build your confidence up evan a few years there's no rush.also get out of the house a bit more join a gym or something you like to do ,making new friends will be the making of you and also give you the strength to see your divorce through. Don't take him back no matter how lonely you are.and finally. put a bit of value on yourself your worth it.x

Please don’t worry about these reasons, you no longer need any of them. To divorce somebody all you need is for one of the parties to state that the marriage has irretrievably broken down, you don’t need to prove any reasons or for the other party to agree to the divorce. Yes the home might count as a marital asset so definitely get legal advice re this, however the thing to remember is that as you are legally married and from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you’d qualify for annulment (however do take legal advice on this too) , divorce is the only way out of this situation for you.

Property doesn't necessarily mean just the place in which you live; maybe 'assets' would have been a better phrase. If married, OP's pension is up for grabs, any investments, savings, vehicles, valuables or holiday home such as a static caravan, apartment or chalet. OP's husband might try it on and go for spousal maintenance as OP has been in a financially stronger position throughout their marriage. The point I'm making is that you never know just how sneaky or devious someone is going to be when the chips are down.

What keeps you with this waste of space?Do you imagine you love him?Sadly you seem to have very low self esteem and feel you don't deserve better.
Seriously you must do what 99.9%of women would have done a long time ago. Divorce him.
And tell him to do his own washing or get his mother to do it. !

This ⬆️

I think there is no point at all talking to him. Take his key/change the locks, divorce him and don’t tell him your new address when you move. I’m also very tempted to cut any washing into ribbons but perhaps better just to leave any there dirty in the bag and give it back to him next time. Good on your son.

This is a really sad situation, Deb. There has to be more for you in life than this.

Could you look for a new flat some distance away and begin divorce proceedings?

Re-read the line in which you said "he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business".

Deb, you deserve so much more than this.

If he makes you feel that bad why on earth do you put up with this? He uses you and his mother and you know this but put up with it. Youve said he doesnt help with any expenses and probably doesnt pay at his mothers house either. He doesn't claim benefits that you know of so must be getting money from his mother or unknown illegal means. Please kick him into touch . You owe him nothing! Get rid.

He either has a job you don't know about or he's financially abusing his mother just divorce him and be done with it also report him to police and adult social services to check his mother is OK him getting angry when questioned has alarm bells ringing

How is it going @deb45? Have you managed to get rid of him?

Tbh OP it sounds as if you probably should get a move on with a divorce. His mother is probably bankrolling him and she isnt going to be around forever. He'll land on your doorstep then and never leave.

Definitely move and not tell him where I think or you'll be lumbered with him.

How are you @deb45 ?

Another thing to consider is ageing - sorry OP but mid life is rife for all kinds of bombs going off with older parents ageing & our own health potentially throwing up issues. Get out of this relationship before you become emotionally manipulated with bells on to look after your husband “in sickness & health” if he develops any health problems or his DM does. He is dependent on her & when she becomes less able will only transfer that dependency even more so than he does currently (ie for his washing etc) onto you. It will be emotionally even more difficult to formally separate from him then & he will use you for “support” but really for his own needs to be met without taking any responsibility for his own. You are in a really fortunate position in that you have no financial ties to him & already living separately to him - when so many are enmeshed & dependent on our partners just to be able to live. You will need to address your role in this co-dependency though. There’s a reason why you’ve tolerated this for so long & it’s probably an attachment that is rooted in stuff to do with your self esteem & a feeling of being wanted or needed, even if that comes in the form of disrespecting treatment on the part of your husband. Nurturing & caring for him & doing his washing for him I’m sure you justify as being hardly a sacrifice or chore on your part when it’s so easy & it’s a role of a kind that must be giving you something in return. Maybe he is your main social outlet & having him come round - I presume you’ll cook for him while he comes round as well or at least offer him food if you need to eat as well?? All of these things need examining by you before/while you call it quits & be really honest with yourself about what you’re getting from this attachment. Will you miss it? In many ways having a partner not living with you where you can live on your own terms & not be financially enmeshed is ideal for many of us, where we do not get embroiled in becoming their domestic maid & servant etc or have to tolerate inequitous treatment. But even in this arrangement he’s abusing your hospitality & is getting more out of it than you are. So find a way to replace those feelings of being wanted & needed with something else ie a hobby/time spend with others/volunteering where the recipient is truly grateful for your help unlike your husband! or just the freedom of no longer being used by an ungrateful waste of space & then get out!! Time is of the essence!! Go for it!

I agree with this - it does get much much harder.

Thank you for all your replies

Yes this one particular resonates with me as my self esteem is low and I've become so used to my hospitality being abused/taken advantage of. It's being able to fill a void (looking forward to entertaining someone and being useful and 'needed') but filling it with something healthier even if it does mean not having a partner. Even though he doesn't fill the role of 'partner'!

Good news, I've found another house today! I will move and not tell him