Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Are you from another culture @deb45 and not the standard white British of mnet? This is a bizarre set up, I've only heard of one similar case to yours.

The lady lived with her mil and her dh worked abroad but when he returned the mil slept with her dil in the marital bedroom. Thus preventing her son and his wife from sleeping together. The mil didn't want her dil getting pregnant because that would mean the dil would be unable to care for the mil because of the baby.

Very bizarre family set up, eventually the wife divorced her dh & moved back to India. The ex husband has been married & divorced twice since his first marriage and is now single. I wonder why!

Come on I know the answer. Get rid of him and show men that women won’t be abused this way any longer. Do it for you not him. Absolute prick

Good for you @deb45
I really don’t think you’ll regret doing this - you’ll probably just wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
Brought me a little smile to think of you coming up and out of this 😁😁

I had a boyfriend who used to bring his washing round for me to do. We had a row and he had the cheek to say I didn’t do his washing, the machine did it! Needless to say that was the last time I saw him.

I've been trying to tonight to discuss our situation with him and how I feel about it. He says he follows Jesus so would never chase money as he's not greedy and I need to start reading and understanding the New and Old Testaments to understand him and the path he's following

Wow OP! How does The Lord pay the bills? Do you not know after being married to this man how he funds his lifestyle? Is his mother wealthy? Is he financially abusing her?? From what you’ve just said even more reason to get out he’s using religion to justify his actions (& aligning himself with the power of good which is manipulative & big red flag imo).

The lord blesses apparently him hence him not having to work or chase money which makes him a good and blessed person supposedly. I need to read the Bible to understand it all I wished Jesus did his washing and fed him! No point in trying to communicate anymore

Okay he’s fully cracked. Does he actually go to church or just claims his own version of Christianity? I can’t imagine any vicar / priest / pastor in the land promoting the sort of lifestyle you’ve described.

There is stuff in the Bible about not chasing money, and I’ve met many wonderful people who have understood the meaning of that fully and deeply. They are GENEROUS to the core. They WORK really hard, just not necessarily at the things that bring most money, they’re motivated more by social value. They are RESPONSIBLE and understand that they also need to take care of their families, and believe that this too is a god-given duty.

Your husband is a selfish, entitled, weak man.

You are right that there’s likely no value in communicating further. You know what you need to do and there’s little more to be said about it. Good luck.

I can smell the weed he's smoking from here.

(Prior ex husband experience)

Goodness, OP why have you let him in? I assume he’s staying with you?
If not, keep it that way.
As far as I am aware the Bible is quite big on stealing as well. As in stealing your resources, time and money. The Bible is also quite big on marriage and what it involves. And this man clearly didn’t think about his vows either.
He is a thief. He’s probably stolen from his mother as well.

Why on earth are you discussing things with him? You need to TELL him it's over and you don't want him coming round anymore, then file for divorce.

You've got yourself a manipulative user nut there, love.

He won't change - but these holier-than-thou delusions can get worse.

And they can get dangerous, and flip.

Don't let him in again.

Keep all interactions with him via email.

I think we're worried about your safety.

So you tried to be sensitive and adult.
Credit to you, it’s more than he deserves.
Now just change the locks. Don’t see him or speak with him - I know you’ve got the house move soon, but you’ll feel better sooner by just cutting all ties now.
And don’t give up on the therapy - I’m happy thinking you got rid of this dead weight but I’d be happier thinking you wouldn’t get into this sort of situation again. Never ceases to amaze me on MN how some women tolerate so much for so long!

Yes when he's not working he becomes more obsessed with the Bible/conspiracy theories. QAnon, the Royal family are all lizards etc etc. Completely switches off from real life and thinks that everyone else has a problem, not him, so there's no chance of being able to have any sensible discussion with him as he's 'right'

OMG. Block and move on.

The weed is fuelling his paranoia.
Block, move out and move on.

oh well, dont worry. Im sure the Lord will provide for him once you have kicked him out, as he is so blessed. Meanwhile you can get back to living happily in the real world

Doesn't smoke weed. That's his normal behaviour without it

What are your plans now @deb45 ?

Arranging a divorce and trying to start to discuss and get support from friends/family

Also hope you move and don’t tell him where 👏🏻

Honestly why did you post this? You know what you need to do but you also know what you are going to do, so I suppose I just answered the question. He's a waste of space, dump him, change the locks and move on.