Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

he is exploiting you emotionally, physically and financially, it is going to be tough initially because he is used to having his cake and eating it, but you will feel so free once the burden of him is off your shoulders , he is dragging you down, for the sake of your mental health move on from this man before he breaks you completely

Yep,what everyone else's says and you can start reclaiming your sense of self by sending him back to mummy, this time, with a bag of dirty washing.

Please please check out the Freedom Programme and the book (cheap on Amazon) called Living With the Dominator.

I can see you getting a lot of eye rolls and flack for being a “mug” or whatever but don’t let those responses crush your self esteem and confidence further into the ground and make it even harder to find the strength to end this absolute shit.

There is a lovely life waiting for you on the other side of this - you know how wrong this is and you are by NO MEANS the first person to get slowly enmeshed in such an abusive and one sided situation.

You can do this - be careful and safe and get ducks in a row; and ignore anyone who tries to make you feel worse about yourself, or stupid, or weak, and says it’s all as simple as “telling him to fuck off” or “changing your locks” because of course it’s not that straightforward.

You can do this xxx

Op you have been literally paying for a part time husband. He brings nothing but his dirty washing like you are his cleaner. How on earth have you tolerated this for so long?

Put his filthy washing in a bin bag and dump it at his mother’s house and instruct a solicitor tomorrow to start divorce proceedings. Change the locks and get some therapy to explore how this was ever acceptable in the first place.

Well his money is either from criminal activity or his mummy. What does he bring to your life. Tell us all of the things that he does do that makes sacrificing what you are not getting worth staying for

Throw the whole man in the bin!! He is bringing literally nothing to the table

just lock up and never let him back in. Quickie divorce. Done

Deb, hun, get the fuck out !! And fast x

Dump him, change the locks and the money you save not keeping him should be used to treat yourself to something to celebrate your new free life. You can do a DIY divorce as there’s no assets to divide. I did one and it’s pretty straightforward

Your husband???? I think you need to really understand what this relationship is and ask yourself whether it meets your needs.

From the outside, your husband looks like a lazy, freeloading mummy’s boy and the fact he’s getting defensive and aggressive suggests he knows this and he’s embarrassed….but unwilling to do anything about it.

if it was me, I’d end the relationship. You know he’s got somewhere to go & you need to give yourself what you deserve. It’s honestly not him, you’re worth way more than his crumbs.

This x 💯

@deb45 got to a solicitor and have them send divorce papers to his mums.
Then send a txt saying not to come near your home again. Then change your number

Why on earth are you enabling him to act this way? Stop him coming to your house. Stop doing his washing and start divorce proceedings. You’ll be much happier.

I agree. This is the weirdest settings I've ever heard!!! Why are you even married?!

Do it, oh please do it. You’ll be free and mentally I suspect you’ll feel so much better and would be able to start a happy new life. You posted on here because you know that is what you need to do and you needed the moral support from us to do it…you have our support, our encouragement. OP leave him, live your best life xx

This is so sad. You know you are wasting your life, you could have so much more and actually feel better on your own. I read all your posts and it doesn't appear that you have children - if that is the case, thank goodness for that! Children would complicate things so much more.

You must rid yourself of this millstone around your neck and get a life, Separate and plan to divorce. Once he's out of your house for good, change the locks, don't let him back.

We are all here to support you. It's your time now, onwards and upwards!

I wish you all the good luck in the world.

What a scumbag waste of space. Get rid. Just get rid OP. He hasn’t a single redeeming feature and you’ve nothing tying yourself to him if you get divorced.

The longer your married, he's earning half your pension if it's your only asset and any cash you have. What value does he bring to your life acting like a boyfriend who stays over a few times a week and you pay for the privilege. He isn't a partner is he?

If there's no risk to assets you need to go now. It's easy to say and not as easy to do - I'm working up the courage myself but I do have a house and a kid to consider - if I didn't I'd be going right now. Fly. Don't look back. Don't throw good time after bad.

Read your post again and imagine it had been written by someone else, and she was asking you for advice.

What would you think? What would you advise her to do?

I think you've realised you aren't happy and know you should divorce but are scared- of his reaction and maybe what other people think. I am concerned when you say you are worried about his reaction. This makes me think you should try to get a bit friendly with your neighbours (explaining you are going through a divorce and he doesn't live there) or be a bit more socialable with work colleagues or go along to some community centre or local groups- just so you have people around you. I'm sure you feel embarrassed but I hope you can see on here that there are a lot of people who support you and I'm sure some people locally would support you too.

What's his mum like? Would it be safe for your to end things at hers, so there is another adult to intervene for whatever reason?

Uh so do you?
Why did you marry a total stranger you don’t even know about?!

It will be scary to leave, and the divorce procidedings will be hard, but it will be worth it. You will have a better furture ahead of you.

Lots of people end up in shitty abusive relationships, try not to beat yourself up, just look forward and focus on your life ahead as much as possible.

Well done for taking all these first huge steps in making these big realisinons and putting down in black and white. X

That’s not a marriage, I’m sorry but from what you’ve said, I can’t find one redeeming feature of staying with him. Do your future self a favour and kick him out for good the next time he moves to his mum’s because it’s ‘free’ 🙄 what an arse! You’re better off without him, in fact you’d be quids in if he doesn’t pay his way! Run and don’t look back!