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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish husband

297 replies

deb45 · 21/06/2025 14:36

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

OP posts:
oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 21/06/2025 18:57

"You need to reclaim your life and not remain as his unpaid washer woman and bar maid."
I agree, but you missed out his unpaid sex worker .

Bittenonce · 21/06/2025 19:45

I hope that writing this down and seeing it in black and white helps you realise how ridiculous this situation is. To put it in perspective, I’ll make you a proposition: We have a relationship where I’ll bring my washing round, I’ll take you out for a nice meal, we’ll f* like rabbits all night, then I’ll leave, and come back in a couple of days when you’ve got everything washed and ironed. Sound unappealing and abusive? It would actually be a better deal than what you’ve got now!
Do you just need someone to be there when you tell him he can’t come round any more and you give him his divorce papers, in case things get nasty? There’s got to be some relative / friend / colleague / neighbour you can confide in and rely on to be on standby?
But really you need to just do it - quickly. Each day or week you delay is a day or week less that you’ll have without carrying this dead weight. It’s great you’ve been having therapy but now you need to act.

Edenmum2 · 21/06/2025 19:47

So….what is he bringing to your life?

tothelefttotheleft · 21/06/2025 19:51

Get your locks changed ( cost less than £100 for me recently).

Start divorce proceedings. You could do this yourself as there are no children or assets to fight about.

Go no contact. Set up an email address that he can use if he needs to contact you about the divorce.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/06/2025 20:03

Why bother with divorce right now. Tell him you want to separate and he is not to come to yours any more. Once you have him out of your life, you can then start planning the divorce.

This is such an easy situation. He doesn't live with you, he's not named as a tenant, you have no shared children, no shared finances and there's no relationship.

You can literally walk away.

Inertia · 21/06/2025 20:26

You need to find your anger.

Change the locks, and never let him in again.

Be mindful - he will see that his free chef/ laundrywoman/ sex worker is in danger of becoming independent, and will promise the world . Do not believe a word .

WearyAuldWumman · 21/06/2025 20:28

deb45 · 21/06/2025 15:21

Yes am legally married to him (have been for 5 years) and backlong he did move in with me but I can't afford him full time. Plus I feel crap when he's here. I'm considering divorce proceedings but just a bit scared of it all. I have no assets (I rent and have no savings) so nothing he can take from me in that respect. Plus I'd save money from not spending on him! It's the emotional side, the fact the longer it goes on the more stupid I feel for allowing it/his behaviour

No assets? Divorce the lead weight.

Original poster
deb45 · 21/06/2025 20:44

Bittenonce · 21/06/2025 19:45

I hope that writing this down and seeing it in black and white helps you realise how ridiculous this situation is. To put it in perspective, I’ll make you a proposition: We have a relationship where I’ll bring my washing round, I’ll take you out for a nice meal, we’ll f* like rabbits all night, then I’ll leave, and come back in a couple of days when you’ve got everything washed and ironed. Sound unappealing and abusive? It would actually be a better deal than what you’ve got now!
Do you just need someone to be there when you tell him he can’t come round any more and you give him his divorce papers, in case things get nasty? There’s got to be some relative / friend / colleague / neighbour you can confide in and rely on to be on standby?
But really you need to just do it - quickly. Each day or week you delay is a day or week less that you’ll have without carrying this dead weight. It’s great you’ve been having therapy but now you need to act.

We have a relationship where I’ll bring my washing round, I’ll take you out for a nice meal, we’ll f* like rabbits all night, then I’ll leave, and come back in a couple of days when you’ve got everything washed and ironed. Sound unappealing and abusive? It would actually be a better deal than what you’ve got now!

Thats so true, that would be a huge improvement on what it's like now as at least he'd spend money and be interested in me!

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 21/06/2025 22:22

Just stop settling for someone who’s never going to give you time, care, respect, honesty, affection. They’re the bare minimum.

CiaoMeow · 21/06/2025 23:00

My heart literally hurts for you, OP. I think it is a real plus that you don't own your own property or have lots of money because it means that divorcing him is a win-win for you all round. I know you are scared but you really need to at least decide that you ARE going to divorce him and somehow you WILL find the courage to do it. The right mindset is where change begins.

angeltattoo · 21/06/2025 23:06

It’s not ‘free’ at his Mum’s though, is it? Just because he doesn’t pay, doesn’t mean it’s free. It’s another woman paying for him to live, but it’s not free.
He doesn’t want to work? I should imagine all the women propping up his lifestyle would rather not work either, but they do…

cordeliavorkosigan · 21/06/2025 23:06

We get one life.
You don't have to spend yours like this.
You can find someone who treasures you and time spent with you.
you can also treasure yourself and time spent on you and with friends and family. You don't have to find anyone else, even.
Hopefully posting this time will help you take a step towards valuing yourself more and leaving him .

CiaoMeow · 21/06/2025 23:32

If you have no one to talk to, OP, keep coming back here on MN to help you and get you and keep you motivated to get that divorce sorted. You won't do it overnight but you can do it. You don't need to suffer this forever. There are many wise women on here who've been through terrible situations and managed to get through and get out. This can be you.

Childrenare4life · 21/06/2025 23:44

You either hate yourself or love him.

Original poster
deb45 · 21/06/2025 23:47

CiaoMeow · 21/06/2025 23:32

If you have no one to talk to, OP, keep coming back here on MN to help you and get you and keep you motivated to get that divorce sorted. You won't do it overnight but you can do it. You don't need to suffer this forever. There are many wise women on here who've been through terrible situations and managed to get through and get out. This can be you.

Thank you

OP posts:
MeTooOverHere · 22/06/2025 00:12

deb45 · 21/06/2025 23:47

Thank you

Show quote history

Please keep coming back for guidance. You have no reason to stay married to him and every reason to divorce him. This is what we are here for - to help and guide.

Courgettezuchinni · 22/06/2025 09:08

Honestly your 'D'H sounds very similar to my deadbeat 60yo xBIL who has coasted through adult life scrounging off a series of women. Gave up working 25 years ago (to avoid paying child maintenance) and drinks, games all night, sleeps all day. I really don't know what they see in him -maybe they think they can "save" him? I think he can be charming when he needs a new victim (because the current partner/DW has got fed up with his mooching off them and kicks him out). He's picked a series of vulnerable women who he pretends to support during the love bombing stage - until the mask drops.

Your 'D'H can go back to live at his DMs so he won't be homeless when you seperate/divorce (although I can't imagine she'd want him back either!)

You only have one life and need to focus on yourself and make the most of it!

Nobackstagepasses · 22/06/2025 10:21

Dump him. He's using you

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/06/2025 10:26

He lives for free at his mother’s and brings his washing to you?
How old is this man?!!
Thank goodness you have no children.
In order to at least be content, you need to
act. You know that none of this is okay.
Get divorced, or at least separate. But get the ball rolling.
And then concentrate on you. You are a really caring and hard-working person.
You deserve better!

Bringonthesun1 · 22/06/2025 11:10

deb45 · 21/06/2025 14:36

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Is there something wrong with him?! Im being deadly serious, does he have learning difficulties/ disabilities? This is the only reason I can think of for being in this situation! Leave him!

Pherian · 22/06/2025 11:11

deb45 · 21/06/2025 14:36

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Are you F*ng serious right now ?

You have a grown man you are married to that lives with his mother, contributes nothing to your life other than laundry to do…

Get a grip and open your eyes. This loser is using you and you’re enabling him.

I don’t know if you have any savings or anything he could go for, but you need to get a divorce.

You deserve a partner in life, not a leech.

DevonMum123 · 22/06/2025 11:11

You only have one life OP, don't waste your best years on him!
Get divorce and go and live your life! Save up some money, make friends, go and travel (doesn't have to cost money, you can do pet sitting etc).

Don't waste another year with him!

lolapops1 · 22/06/2025 11:12

Are you sure he is staying with his mother?
Could he have a family elsewhere?

Move on.
The good thing is you are renting so at least he cannot take the house.
Go see a solicitor asap.

Well done for realising what he is like.

Alwaysinamood · 22/06/2025 11:12

Is it definitely his mother and not another woman?
He sounds like an alcoholic. Definitely doing something illegal for money - drug dealer ??
Christ please divorce him- this is the most ridiculous posts I’ve ever read !!! Surely it can’t be real???

Stompythedinosaur · 22/06/2025 11:13

He sounds absolutely pathetic tbh. He should be ashamed of how he's acting, and it's great that you're realising you deserve much better!

Of course a husband should be an equal partner. Equally responsible for money, housework and mutual care. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a servant. Honestly, fuck him.

I imagine you will get so much peace without him! And the chance to build friendships and improve your life!