Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

I'm sorry you've been and are going through this

What do you think he is hoping to achieve with the letter? Who would that potential result benefit?

Move on.

Thank you, he definitely wants to reconcile. I guess it benefits him. If he CAN change then I suppose it could benefit us all.

he has changed me as a person, I am normally very resilient.

he abused me in front of the kids and used loss of my family members to say I was the problem (amongst other hurtful things).

I no longer trust my judgement or him

Sorry but he’s just trying to manipulate you. He’s only sorry you are filing for divorce not what he did.

personally I would carry on with the divorce he has shown his true colours and no matter how ‘depressed’ he was he advised you in front of the children and that’s unforgivable

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go.

That's what he wants, he wanted to put doubt in your mind. As you'll probably know, part of the pattern of abuse is treating you badly, you reacting (which is why they did it in the first place, so you look like 'the crazy one'), them then trying to make you doubt what you experienced and then, if you're lucky, being nice again. Until the next time.

Don't doubt yourself @CactusCry23 , you're right not to trust him. Using the loss of your family memebers against you is vile. It's similar to the sort of shit my ex used to do. They really show us who they are when they're not the centre of our very universe.

Your resilience will come back, it might take a while and you might need support to process what he's put you through, but you'll get there. You and your children deserve peace

PS Keep that letter, put it in a safe place, you never know if it might be useful.

@Vaxtable that’s my suspicion- would he ever admitted it if I hadn’t filed

I really do feel that depressed people generally hurt themselves more than others and 6/7 months for a breakdown with no reflection/pause/thought of harm to me or kids?
Does it ring true?

@Bunniesnotbullies I think my gut knows you’re wholly correct I’m sorry you went through this too.

literally 2 days before the letter he contacted one of my best friends saying ‘had she seen any evidence of his abuse, he hoped not’

i feel like this resentment towards me has built up over years not months, spot on if they’re not the very centre of our world it all goes nuclear.

Tell him you have been too hurt and that the love has gone, but that you would like to work with him to Co-Parent in the best ways possible.
You will soon see his rage and realise you have made the right decision.

@Shouldbedoing that is my suspicion too sadly, he’s smart he may see that as a test.

have been ruminating and feeling traumatised for months - exhausting

look up ‘hoovering’ - it’s what narcs do when they feel they’re losing you. Note how he was still somewhat the ‘victim’ despite his apology.

he won’t change. The sooner you leave the sooner you heal.

@Pickle991 thanks I have looked that up, verrry interesting

I can’t find any info where the narcs actually ADMIT the abuse, that’s the bit that is throwing me?

he did apologise a few times earlier, but they were classic blame shifting fauxpologies. So they were not accepted.

is MH an excuse even if it were true

@Pickle991 you are correct, it was subtle but that victim mindset still apparent

My abusive XH did exactly the same, wailed about his MH and "depression made me do it". Some kind soul on here pointed out that depression is not something you can switch on and off or direct at different people...so the fact that he was only treating us like that, inside the home, some of the time, and not at all to his friends or at work...meant it was bullshit. And as for apologising...no they don't, not genuinely...but if they think it'll get them somewhere they'll go for the full eyes-brimming over, shoulders dropping, mea culpa penitent act. But that is all it is. An act.

Keep walking love, you've done the hardest bit I promise ... I'm three years on from where you are now and life is good, and a lot easier without him in it.

And as @Shouldbedoing says, you'll soon see the real him when he realises he has properly lost you...I did and it was a shock to find out who he actually was after 20 years of marriage...and then I knew I'd done the right thing.

They will admit enough to look convincing but it’s always ‘depression’ or ‘childhood trauma’ or some other crap.

they will still subtly or not so subtly blame you in some way.

Wow @justmadabouttheboy so sorry you went through this too. The self doubt is crippling but I hear you.

That absolutely is a light bulb moment - he has managed to work etc. Not abuse colleagues or friends. He has made active choices.

Is it really about his beliefs and values that he can behave however he pleases to us? The MH probably just made the mask slip far further than before.

Op i hope you continue with the divorce process,

You haven't said but has he moved back in ?? If not play him and say, we can see how it goes, By the way, I wonder if you mention that your proceedings with divorce this is when you see him for who he is op, best get it out of the way now and save yourself more trauma DV down the line, honestly give this man an inch and he with take the mile,
You know him but you know your gut too, please go with your gut op, of course you can start dating him again on your terms, but he won't like that ' he hasn't got control ' so by dating him ?? By the way and continuing with the divorce process he will flip, because your taking control op, he won't like it,
Always protect you and children, because once his foot is in the door it's only a matter of time before you see that ewful man again

Well done on filing for divorce. I call bullshit with his depression and mental health. Don’t be manipulated by that crap. How very convenient for him.
I’m actually really impressed with you for filing after 6 months. We see far too many stories on MN of others staying for longer which is too long.

What helped me with the self-doubt @CactusCry23 was making a list of all the things he'd done or said, and when I wavered (he used to send the kids back from visits to tell me he'd been crying all the time and had forgotten how to smile ) I read it back to myself and added to it. I still do that when he's being "nice" - which is all part of the abuse cycle - so as not to get sucked back in.

I suspect his MH "issues" are only him feeling bad now you've filed, he's feeling sorry for himself, not for how he treated you.

Keep going girl, it'll come good I promise, and we'll be here to help.

@Omgblueskys thank you and live your name, he is still in the house. We would have to stay in house together I think

@OhCobblers thanks, I surprised myself tbf! Also shows how bad he had been - literally gave me no choice.

I can’t find any info where the narcs actually ADMIT the abuse, that’s the bit that is throwing me?

I agree, that's very unusual but he was doing what he felt he needed to do to get his own way again. If that acceptance of responsibility is brought up further down the line he will backtrack or say that you coerced him into writing it or some other such shite. Do not trust this man an inch. Keep all receipts, where he can't access them.

As @justmadabouttheboy says, you see the real them and what they think of you (and you thought you'd already seen it all, hence the separation) when they finally lose all control. My ex chose to leave but you would have thought I was the devil incarnate the way he behaved. It would be pitiable if it wasn't so fucking harmful. They're all the same.

Please take nothing for granted that he might be decent about things @CactusCry23 , Women's Aid will be a good support and help you and your children to keep safe.

@justmadabouttheboy have been keeping a list since Dec and honestly think that’s given me such clarity, best advice you can ever give in our situations 💯

@Bunniesnotbullies Women’s Aid have been great and helped me see that his behaviour is following quite a predictable pattern.

I too have been made to feel like the devil incarnate - for a long time. Horrible isn’t it? Especially as I’m actually quite nice! I hope you are healing 💐