Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

It's a very common tactic.

It's another form of manipulation. He's telling you what you want to hear. Don't give in. If you do, he'll go right back to how he was before, they usually double down on the behaviour once they know you'll give in. You'll find it harder to leave next time.

He'll change again when he realises he's lost control and you are serious about divorcing.

He has never been this bad, but i feel his resentment has built up over a long time.
He has always snapped at me and not stopped when i said it hurt me. He has made me feel useless for at least two Xmas because of my grief. I felt anxious when he returns home for a very long time, jumping up to look busy and worried about the mood he would be in.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this - me too. I am at month three (I think 🤔 - some days were just a blur of snot & tears). But I do remember feeling everything that you are - the wondering if he can and will change, the loss of what I thought was our future, wanting to do anything to put it all right, scared beyond words at times with regards to a future without him and the security I thought that brought, the financial implications as well as the many practical ones and I did love him so much - 15 years of him in my life.

My mind constantly alternated between knowing what he had done was unforgiveable and then wondering how I could have made it better, been at fault somehow, or I had angered and depressed him to the point of this rage he had towards me. I was mentally and physically exhausted from my nervous system being on high alert.

It would be so much easier if they were always this nasty Mr Hyde rather than the kind and loving Dr Jekyll - but they are not. Mr Hyde may only appear for an hour or two once a week and you think you can cope with it rather than face the scary alternative - but that hour or two lingers in your mind for many days.

And remember.....these problems are their problems. You are not in a relationship with someone to be their mental health worker, their doctor, their therapist or their saviour. No matter how much you love and care for them, they must fix their problems - but most don't even admit to having a problem (it's you - you are the problem!) and as for seeking help to be a better person? Forget it. They may say they have been to the doctor and are seeking help (mine said this but had actually been to see the GP about how depressed he was because I was awful to him!).

Abuse is abuse - end of - no excuses, no more chances - feel the pain, cry the tears, get through the bad days and claim your sanity and your life back.

It's no easy road, you will have so many bad days - but, its the road that does lead to sunshine again. Staying will always be thunderstorms and tornados with an abusive partner.

@Sunflowers67 thank you, that definitely resonates. Hope you have cried the tears, felt the pain and got to your sunshine, beautifully worded.

I think bottom line I can’t ever imagine being ‘me’ again in this marriage after what he has done. Only a cowed diluted version. So worried about DC though too

That does sound scary, and familiar. Crazy you can build a life with this mask.

Definitely feel that high alert, nervous system on high type anxiety. Literally jump when he comes near me.

Run and don’t turn back. This is just more manipulation, and he will carry on with this Mr Nice then Mr Nasty act all over again. He wants the pleasure of changing your mind. More control.

He sounds like he holds you in deep contempt, tbf

@bombastix yes I have felt a lot of contempt directed at me these past few months - I need to stay angry.

Things he has done during his ‘breakdown’ or before:
Pushed DC
called me a bad wife, toxic and an abuser
called my friends boring or despicable
shouted at me in front of the kids
not texted when he was away
compared me to other women
said he was jealous of his divorced friends
said I ruin xmas
told me about a thirsty message from female colleague
blanked me in front of kids
hyper critical over trivial things
walked off on my birthday day out
ignored an anniversary that’s meaningful to me at least once
said I made a fuss over a biopsy
called my parents names
said I ruined his life and career
said I caused years of misery
Said he does too much at home
criticised my parenting
he shouldn’t do school run as he is male
told me I needed counselling
I never put him first
he has done nothing but support me
I could go on…

Foul! My gut says this is not MH but values

Bollocks it is not mental health. It is an insult to your intelligence after you made a good decision for you.

His letter is a gesture of contempt. It says, I did this, here’s the list of what I denied, drove you crazy, made you cry, hurt you, now eat it and stay married.

Run. And set a fire around this man, because he’s no good to you and he’s shouting it out even now

His accusations are admissions @CactusCry23 .

In your position I would tell him your current marriage is dead - killed by his abusive behaviour- but if he is reasonable through the divorce process you offer him the chance to try to win you back if he is sincere in his remorse. If he is genuine, he will accept that as the price of his poor treatment and jump at the chance he is offered.
Something tells me that won’t be his reaction.

It’s unbelievably cheap of him too. Divorce is expensive. His apology is very very cheap. This guy does not love you in any way

Thanks for your honesty pp

he wants to talk tonight, gulp

he abused me in front of the kids

This is a really good reason not to fall for his manipulation. They are watching. They might seem to defend him, but they are watching and to see you go back to someone they have witnessed abusing you won't do them any good at all.

The letter is a tactic, it's manipulation, he's not daft. However if it was due to depression, so what. He could pin it on the weather, whatever, it still happened and it was still his behaviour, it's still unacceptable and you still want out becaus of it.

Keep going.

Do you want to talk with him tonight? You have agency here. He's spent a long time trying to make you feel you have none, but if you can screw together what self you've got left do so, you will need it now.

Don't get drawn in, stay on the front foot, put on an invisible space suit and zip it up, stick your helmet on, he knows how to stick the hooks in after all these years. Listen, nod, say interesting, I'll give that some thought

And then give none of it any thought and keep going in the direction you know you need to go. Head down, keep moving through towards out.

No way would I give that arsehole another chance. It was a no already from me at the beginning of your thread but having seen the “list” it’s a big fat NO! He’s bloody awful - get the hell away from him!

That is good advice from @GoldDuster , @CactusCry23 , do whatever you need to to protect yourself from his further attempts at manipulating you. You have a clearer picture of how his tactics work now so it'll be easier for you to dismiss them.

I can't remember if grey rock has already been mentioned, it's a good way of not riling them but, more importantly, a good way for you not to react to their instigations.

Keep an eye on the time during the talk, if you have it. In my experience they can drone on a lot bit.

Don't be pressured into anything. As @GoldDuster says - "I'll give it some thought".

If he gets nippy do whatever you need to defuse the situation and keep yourself and your children safe.

We are behind you @CactusCry23 , holding your hand, sending you strength, you've got this 💪

He has realised you have not reacted appropriately, and wishes to get you on your own and engage your emotions not the rational bit of you which filed for divorce.

Do not meet him, unless you like being manipulated

Thanks everyone - appreciate the support more than words can say.

We still live together @bombastix so will have to have a chat of sorts but I’m getting good at grey and yellow rocking the heck out of things.

@OhCobblers i coulda added more! It was his MH though that made him say that not his fault you see…

Thanks @GoldDuster a side effect of all this is a numbness and fatigue I haven’t known since my DP died, but it’s useful in helping me to grey rock and stay detached.

Hi op I'm a therapist and mental health doesn't make people abusive abusive people are abusive in relationships not people that have depression or anxiety. Don't let him use the therapy mental health card as that is him, he's shown you who he is therapy does t change people

@WhatMe123 thank you, I know this deep down. This is so so painful to admit

@CactusCry23 yes sorry I just feel for people when partners say they'll change as it's very unlikely. Look after yourself 💐💐

After I left my abusive ex she promptly moved another man in wrecking her divorce settlement in the process.

He then left leaving her with a 6 month old baby - after neighbours reported her assaulting him in the street.

One evening when I was dropping off our son she apologised for the way she had treated me.

Needless to say that despite fine words she remained a complete large brown object repeatedly making a fool of herself. Oh & no I did NOT rekindle the relationship

Stay well away

@Sunflowers67 my life to the dot. 20 years down the pan. Nervous system shot, I don’t know what happened,I just crashed one day and couldn’t take anymore.

I could write a book about how miserable my life has become and how he turned from somebody who I used to love into somebody so vile sometimes that I couldn’t recognise.

@CactusCry23 look at your list.

What the hell he wants to talk about or tell you? His contempt and hatred for you are palpable from his actions.
How long do you have to live together? You have to think strategically but also mitigate the damage to yourself and DC.

Keep going.

pp is right, the letter is a gesture of contempt. That man is going to self-detonate in a cloud of menace and nonsense. Keep on your own path and keep strong. You are the captain of this ship now, and he’s not on board.