Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

I’ve noticed a tendency for men to hate it when a woman makes a decision for herself. So issuing divorce papers could be a trigger for him trying to regain control. When he has it, by persuading you that he’ll be different this time, don’t you think it’s feasible that he will then exert his newfound power by ditching you as punishment?

"essentially I think I'm looking for permission that it was 'bad enough' to leave"

Oh I get that! I think they wear you down so much over time that it does just becomes the new normal to you. But a little part of you, the original you knows it is not normal. That voice has been quietened and hushed up for so long, adapting to him, that when she decides to speak to you, you don't believe her anymore. So you start to question if perhaps you were the problem, maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe he will change, maybe this wasn't even abuse as he didn't hit me, maybe I am the abusive one or the one with mental health problems (as mine said)?

This is where it is helpful to speak to someone face to face that is skilled in this sort of abuse recovery.

For many a week my therapist would show me how it was abuse and I'd agree whilst I was there - it was all so clear. Then I'd go home and the questions and the wondering would start all over again! I had spent so long hearing that I was the problem that I couldn't see the wood for the trees!

This is all perfectly normal and necessary - a roller coaster of good and bad days, missing him, wondering, hoping, doubting - it is all part of your recovery so just go with it.

Sit up the garden with a cuppa and have a cry, feel it all - you are allowed to.
In the early days I was scared to cry - I felt like that if I started, I wouldn't stop and then what would I do - end up in a psychiatric unit or jumping off a bridge? But I discovered that I could cry and that the crying would stop - in fact, it made me feel better to have the cry.

I am not mental, depressed, over-sensitive, too emotional, passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative like he said I was - I WAS ABUSED.

There are still good and bad days, I still miss him now and then, I still worry about him, I still care about him - because I am a good person. You don't spend so many years with someone and then instantly hit the 'OFF' switch.

Sorry - I think I have sort of hijacked the post with how I felt/feel but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone, you are a normal kind and caring person that has to process what has happened.

Hugs x

@ThunkedThoughts wow I could have written your words! Only difference being that the low level became very intense in Dec. I am sorry you and DS are also going through this.

The brain fog, the anxiety, questioning everything, cognitive dissonance, guilt, recognising what he was doing, is it abuse even? I am a little further on as I am 💯 sure this IS abuse now. That was a tough realisation.

I have some therapy lined up but only fortnightly. Shocked at how little support there is locally - DV charity have offered me nothing but some email resources.

@ThunkedThoughts - exactly the same here. I could have written your post.

Only difference is it was me saying I wanted him to move out that has led to Mr Nice Guy showing up. Though that means him behaving like nothing is wrong, not addressing anything (or even getting angry). My therapist (who is very much worth the money) says that’s either controlling or disengaged. Neither option is good. He certainly isn’t doing anything that would suggest he genuinely gets it.

All our descriptions are SO similar!!

dearest girl, go on to BACP website, there's a list of accredited therapists with their specialisms, and find someone who works online...and then it doesn't matter where they or you are. The most important thing is that it's someone who understands abuse...I briefly had some help via the GP, only to be asked, very gently, by one completely clueless "therapist" why I was surprised that XH was angry, as it was me who had asked him to leave...

But seriously, you don't need face-to-face (unless you absolutely couldn't bear to work on Zoom or whatever), you just need someone who knows how to help you, and probably at least weekly for now. xx.

Well @CactusCry23 and @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore this is very validating!!

My DH has come home early again tonight and talked to me. He's incredibly sorry etc etc. But blames his big important job. He needed me but didn't at any point in the last 18 months know how to ask me for support so instead belittled me and DS and took it out on us. He thinks the person he's hurt the most is ultimately him and he just wants me to love him, and doesn't quite understand how I can't just get over it and move on. He can't believe I've been harbouring such resentment over "a few isolated instances". He totally doesn't get the impact. I dabbled with the 'separation' word so I'm hoping this sows the seed for the future.
What could he possibly do that would make me want to try? (Serious question!). Even if I wanted to, how do I move past it and what should I expect from him beyond his apology?

I hope your therapist can support you. Have you got family and friends to support too? What do you think he's expecting you to do now?

@Sunflowers67 your post is so helpful! I feel totally differently depending on who I've just spoken to - like I'm absorbing their views instead of being able to fully feel/know my own!

@ThunkedThoughts that sounds very familiar too - it sounds as though he wants to minimise what he has done and blame an external cause? Not look too closely at himself or his shittiness. Why would you blame a CHILD for anything like this?

Obvs I am not great at taking my own advice!
So much easier on the outside isn’t it?

I cannot recommend the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? Enough - so clear. It has a section towards the end about what to look for in apologies, signs of genuine growth etc. It also puts stress and mental health into perspective - what are the values that make men think this behaviour is ok?

Oh yes, so much easier to see it from the outside!

Totally minimising. Exactly right!
DH called our son "fucking pathetic" (in a really nasty tone) and it's the one thing I keep getting stuck on, even though there's been other things. 😔

@ThunkedThoughts had very very similar re: DC.

Have you been sad or stressed? Have you ever said anything like that to DC?

Its that kind of comment that will ring in both your ears forever, one thing to forgive what we have been put through, but DC?

@ThunkedThoughts - He thinks the person he hurt most is him!!!!! How self obsessed can he be?!?!

I was told I expect too much from mine…

This @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore big 🚩

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore
@ThunkedThoughts

after I walked away from XH physically and mentally broken down he completely changed the tune.

He didn’t blame me for his 3 year long affair but started talking about how difficult it is for him (OW dumped him when I walked away), even more difficult for him.

He also talked about how low his self esteem was (mine and kids were sky high being rejected by him, shouted and growled at)

He also mentioned that he visited a therapist who told him that he was an absolute bastard to me.

This is when I took a double take at what he said.No therapist would say such thing and after being lied to for so long I don’t believe most of things he says.

I’m free of the spell “he said,he said”.
He got what he wanted.
I got peace.

Still bumpy road but I finally sleep at night.

To all of you lovely wise women 💐 onwards and upwards

As someone who has battled anxiety and depression most of my adult like I can say with authority that mental health is virtually NEVER an excuse for bad behaviour. Unless they are severely delusional, which is not the case here, people with mental health issues still know right from wrong. Your dh is using his mental health as a way to explain away his horrific, disrespectful behaviour toward you. Don't fall for the lies and excuses.

@TangerinePlate I’m so sorry - you deserved far far better than that, what an ego, glad you are free

Morning @CactusCry23. Hope you’re doing ok today. I wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. I know it is helping me and I’m sure it’s helping other PPs. Just hope it’s helping you too.

Also thought I would recommend ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ by Patricia Evans. It really nails how they behave.

Thank you @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore just downloaded that book!
sad for us but validating isn’t it? We all need the support as this is a special kind of confusion.

he has asked for another chat tonight 😩

and @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore please keep posting if it is helping, here to listen 💐

These aren’t chats. They are passive aggressive rants.

Btw you don’t have to sit and listen to this stuff. It’s just another opportunity to try and manipulate things, and I imagine he will come with a proposal of some sort which you need to consider.

Be clear, the proposal is not serious. It is just designed to stop you progressing the divorce.

The other aspect is that he will expect you to respond to his “chat” the other day. So this whole thing is best avoided. It is very hard to not respond, but that’s what the point of the chat is. Don’t do it.

My XH kept saying "can we talk" as it gave him an opportunity to try more of the same or different manipulation. Eventually I found the strength to say that no, I didn't want to talk any more...and that if he wasn't going to get help with his behaviour (which he had refused to do) then I wanted a divorce...up until then I'd been talking about a trial separation, but in reality as soon as the door shut behind him the first time, I knew I was done.

You don't have to keep talking about it @CactusCry23 , he's had plenty of chances to put things right/stop making them wrong...now is the time for what you want.

Op I’ve not read everything but my ex was identical to this. I took him back and he was back to his nasty self within a fortnight. I was then stuck with him abusing me for another 4 years because how do you break your kids hearts again after just weeks of mending it. Eventually the kids asked me to leave as they grew to realise he’s just a nasty bastard. Mental health issues are not a reason or excuse to treat those around you like shit. And I bet it’s just you that gets it, they can strangely control their nasty streak around absolutely everyone else. Stick to your guns op, it feels hard, it is hard, but it’s so worth it.

And don’t bother with any more chats, that’s just him trying to twist your head. What’s to chat about? Keep this simple in your head…he’s nasty and you need to leave. Nothing else needs said. I could kick myself for all the hours I wasted letting an evil manipulator melt my head. I could have spent that time doing nice things for myself and getting happy

I escaped a marriage like this over 30 years ago. My XH displayed very similar tactics when he realised I had snapped. I would rather have lived in a homeless shelter (with my kids) and eaten in a soup kitchen than stayed married to him.

Then the gaslighting ramped up. The whole "I've not been well" "It's not my fault" "I'll change" desperation. I was so confused I couldn't keep food down and lost 20lbs.

He believes he can manipulate you into staying. These "chats" are a deliberate ploy to wear you down.

The only advice I can give you is stop worrying about the money, the children, the fall out.

Get a lawyer. Commence divorce proceedings. At the first sign of any threatening behaviour from him - and believe me, he will soon change his tune when you refuse to bend to his demands - call the police.

Prepare yourself for a high conflict divorce but know that it will have a start, a beginning, and an end. After which you will be free to rebuild your life.

No more chats. Tell him there is nothing to talk about and he is bullying you and you won't put up with it. Then go out.

Thank you. It really does. Thank you for sharing your thread!

He’s away for a few days thankfully. Oldest DC then away for a few weeks, but I think after that I have to ask him to move out.

He had said he would - but then said he’d miss the kids, it would be expensive (nothing about me until I pressed). He obviously won’t put any effort into finding somewhere so I’ll have to force it. He’s been sleeping on the sofa, but everything else is the same (he’s still picking me up from the station).

We also have a family holiday booked at the end of August that I don’t know what to do about. Do we give DCs a family holiday, say Dad’s moving out but we can still do things together??

I don’t know how to manage everything honestly for me, but still keep it ok for DCs.

He believes he can manipulate you into staying. These "chats" are a deliberate ploy to wear you down.

This. @CactusCry23 he is only doing (trying) things that will potentially benefit him. Remember that. He is the important one to him, control is important to him. Try and start to take back at least some of that control, as long as that will be safe for you.

If you do go ahead with the talk (a) whatever he has to say can be said in one sentence, who wants to listen to 'me me me, but you, poor me' ad nauseum, and (b) if you want to answer any point(s) he makes, pause before you answer. And speak slowly. Keep it brief, no explanations, no buts, no trying to explain yourself. The more you give the more he has to work with to use against you.

But is it not tonight you said you'd be going round to Barbara's to help her with knitting spaghetti into tea cosies for eggs??

You're under no obligation to attend any of these Chats. They're not a mutual exchange of information that is in any way necessary. They're several things, including a delaying tactic (there will be many of these while he arranges his affairs into the best position possible before the divorce button is pressed, press it quick would be my advice), wearing you down, him trying to work where you're at so he can move accordingly, manipulation etc.

Unless you feel that you're going to get any new information that you don't already have, or a revelation which would make you feel that you don't want a divorce after all, then swerve it at all costs.

Save your energy, draw boundaries, polite and business like will do.