Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Thank you @CactusCry23 , I am yes. It takes time. I couldn't just get over it and move on like I was told to by some. The headfuckery that is emotional abuse takes a bit more than stitches or plastercasts to work through but we do get there

Yes, it's so unfair, that's another mindfuck. As he rewrote his narrative to suit himself I had to rewrite my whole marriage to see it for what it had been. It's like being under a spell.

I'm glad you're already in touch with WA, they're so good.

@Bunniesnotbullies yes it is like spell, the cognitive dissonance is off the charts isn’t it?
Very painful yet numbing at the same time.

Looking at things that have happened in the past 20 years completely differently now.

I do wonder if it’s about discard/value too. As soon as I make serious moves to leaving I’m desirable 🤷🏻‍♀️

The thing is lovely girl, your head and heart are understandably going to tie themselves in knots trying to work out what's going on with him...this is how the cognitive dissonance plays out.

Eventually...and it can take a while...you will find that you stop trying to work it out, and can concentrate on getting away from it instead. But if it's any consolation you are going through all the right thought processes...and one day you will be free, and happy to be so.

@justmadabouttheboy 💐

I think it's more that he's trying to give you the impression he thinks you're desirable (he thinks you'll be flattered by his rekindled 'attention') but really he's just trying to regain or maintain his control.

It's horrible and chilling to think that we were really nothing more than a use to them, not the love of their life and soulmate as they declared, probably far too early in the relationship.

Keep walking.

IF, and that's a big IF, he has truly seen the light then he needs time for the therapy and medication to work (in a separate house). He needs to heal himself first and that can take months upon months.

There is nothing stopping you from dating, or even remarrying, in future but for now carry on with the process - and be prepared for him to show you real hate because those past six months will be nothing in comparison. Trust me on that.

"He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family."

You know what they say about words each side of 'but'

My abusive ex did this too: a long text apology and did everything right etc, very soft and gentle persona, kind to the kids, etc.

So I took him aside and calmly said that I was sure I didn’t love him any more and I was a hundred percent it was over. I saw him transform in that second as he dropped the pretence, spat it my face, called me a bitch, and pretty much never saw the children again. Really.

i recognise so much of what you’re saying @CactusCry23. The cognitive dissonance and headfuckery is unbelievable. Sending support.

We had the chat here - I thought it was done. He’s admitted taking his anger out on me. And then… he’s being his most sociable self. No indication of any concern. Also no evidence he’s done what he promised though - find a couple’s counsellor. (I know you’re not meant to go when there’s emotional abuse or anger issues but I didn’t feel like I could say no - at least to say to DCs that I’d gone. And we only discuss anything when I bring it up. It makes me feel crazy.

It makes me feel crazy.

And that, dear @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore , is what it is designed to do

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore we did two sessions of counselling, was a farce as no honesty about what truly happened from him. He is now being civil post the chat, but still ‘flat’ so no big effort being made in my eyes. Sorry you’re in this position too 💐

On a separate note how did the DC handle the split? I’m worried about our teen DC, they are defensive of DH and very attached to our current home.

Was he like this before this 6 month period? I had faced something similar. DH and I had been married a long time 15 years plus. He was awful to me.
But we got past it and now our marriage is really good. He is his normal self. I knew it wasn’t him- this awful, unkind hurtful person he became. He went to therapy.
We also found a really good therapist- she helped on working to build connection between us and really listening to each other.
Im clear that I didn’t do anything wrong.
Of course it’s up to you. But if this behavior is new and you move slowly. I think it would be ok to say you want a year of seeing if it can work. I genuinely think men have mid life crisis and that mental health in men isn’t understood. Depression for them is often anger and not sat in a room being sad and doing nothing.

Thank you @Candlesandmatches I'm so glad you got through this 💐 and it’s good to get a positive perspective.

He has never been this bad, but i feel his resentment has built up over a long time.

He has always snapped at me and not stopped when i said it hurt me. He has made me feel useless for at least two Xmas because of my grief. I felt anxious when he returns home for a very long time, jumping up to look busy and worried about the mood he would be in.

Silent treatment has been happening for years too. Plus his relationship with one DC is
very damaged.

so really I don’t know if this is a one off or not

OP, you know what they say about leopard and spots?

Words are very cheap,it’s actions that speak.

XH was vile to me and the kids (he’s had an affair but that’s another story).

When I walked away with kids he was apparently heartbroken. We are amicable now as kids go between 2 houses but however nice and accommodating he is now (too little too late) I can see the mask slipping sometimes.

Don’t be fooled and sucked back in. You can still co-parent successfully but no need to go back to where you were relationship wise with him.

Ask posters here that came back how long the new personality lasted. A few months then it was back to square one.

@TangerinePlate the change also just seemed so… quick? Literally days before being a manipulative bully

I'm so glad you got your peace 💐 . How did your DC cope with it all?

@CactusCry23 any genuine change that would happen would require therapy for him to get to the root of his behaviour. People like him don’t just wake up one day and decide “today I’m going to be nasty/nice”
That’s why it’s important to not to get sucked in.

Apology without addressing the behaviour is just empty words to bring you back to heel.

The worst thing is him knowing that he treated you badly and still chose to do so. Once you’ve had enough and walked away he tries to hoover you back in. Classic nasty/nice cycle of abuse.

Kids are okish but we still have our ups and downs,thanks for asking.
I explained to them in age appropriate way why I couldn't be with their dad anymore and don’t slag XH off to them.

They will get full unfiltered version when they are emotionally mature enough to take it.

Yes. This. He won’t be able to keep the contrite mask in very long.

@CactusCry23I’ve said if we do go it isn’t an even situation. His moods are something he needs to deal with. Plus when I asked him what he means when he says I’m not perfect, he said I “put him on a pedestal”!!

I’m sorry you had a bad experience.

Forgive me but I haven’t read all the posts but
I can tell you from experience

Leopards dont change their spots.

I took my narc’ back and within weeks he reverted back to his abusive self!

I had ten months of hell with him before I left again. Had to get myself back on the property market and rebuild my life for a second time.

After the anger eventually dissipated, we maintained a supportive friendship until he died.

All might not be lost between you after you separate. Keep an open mind, but be true to yourself and do what you need to do. Stick to your guns!

Thanks @PashaMinaMio
That’s what I’m afraid of - just going back to square one or worse.
I am scared about ££ but also of wasting my life being unhappy!
I’m glad you got to an amicable place before he passed 💐

@AnnaFromNextdoor was that a shock at the time? Sounds very similar with the kind quiet persona etc

@CactusCry23 It’s hard to say. My nervous system was so shot from all the abuse and gaslighting I was living minute to minute. It was certainly breathtaking to behold, and was ultimate proof to me that all his good behaviour only ever was an act, and also that he did know how to be a good husband and communicator, he just chose not to. It was that stuff people describe as ‘the mask coming off’.

During the subsequent divorce I realised my ex had no ‘true’ self. As narcissists do, he had created a set of fake personas. Scary.

Interested to know how long other PP have ‘normality’ for?

For me it can be months - and that really does make me feel crazy.

Currently he’s just not addressing my concerns or making extra effort at all - just not saying anything. You wouldn’t think we’d talked about separating.

Honestly it’s only being on here that keeps me feeling anything like sane!