Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Yeah I couldn’t put it back in the box once I started seeing it as all part of the cycle of abuse, unfortunately or fortunately deleting on how you look at it all!

How’s everyone doing? How are things @CactusCry23?

Away with DCs here - he hasn’t come and it’s definitely been the right call for me. I couldn’t have dealt with it - not least because DCs are teens so up late/in their rooms and it would have been just the two of us a lot of the time. As it is I have lots of peaceful hours each day to decompress…

The other development is it’s looking very likely that he has some long term depression - the counsellor we’ve been seeing keeps raising it. I must be a horrible person but it’s not making me feel better towards him.

He’s supposed to be sorting his own counselling out while we’re away - and fixing up the spare room so he doesn’t have to sleep on the sofa. Will see…

DCs haven’t really mentioned him.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore so glad you are getting some decompression time - I hope it does you some good. Space and time to breathe without him is so important to get you some perspective.

Please don’t feel guilty, this is very similar to my situation. You need time to process. But what is your gut saying? It might really help to try to see if this is a pattern of behaviour or a blip?

For me, blips are unavoidable, forgivable - with accountability and work they can be overcome.

A pattern of toxic behaviour that harms you, the kids, shows ingrained behaviours - can that be fixed by therapy?

Either way, you have the right to walk away and choose happiness - regardless of DH.

I find myself sitting for ages, just being. It’s much needed. I am thinking back to all the other holidays and how they seemed to set him off - most involved some kind of tantrum from him.

What I can’t work out is what I’m holding on for. I can list all the things that he’s done wrong, my issues. But I still struggle to say it’s over.

I’m sure it’s hard @CactusCry23but I do admire your strength in acting on how you feel. My gut is telling me it’s done - but acting on that feels much harder.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore but I am maybe just further down the line than you? And some of the behaviour is so subtly destructive isn’t it? So hard to name it, act on it.

My DH became quite extreme and that helped me just to file, it was horrendous though. I actually did just to stop him abusing me, it felt like it was going to have to be me or him.

What do friends and family think? Have you reached out?

No one else sees that side of him. He’s the life and soul at social events.

Friends are being supportive - I have been here before though and stayed (though I think before I was looking for reasons to stay. This time it’s trying to work out what’s stopping me from ending it).

That kinda makes me think he is aware of how to behave?

From everything you’ve said here you sound DONE this time @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ? It’s big stuff to digest, hard to navigate your feelings - I hope being away has given you clarity, it’s very hard 💐

Just coming back to say thank you @CactusCry23and everyone else who has offered support here.

There is progress. He has finally agreed to move out and has found somewhere to go - just sorting utilities so it is happening.

It’s officially to give us both breathing space - but I can’t see a way back.

He’s telling me I was ‘brave’ to instigate all this and not just put up with a poor relationship. What a hero…

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Well done @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore
This is significant progress! I bet you feel such relief.
No progress here. We're in couples therapy and I feel generally exhausted with the whole thing. Maybe it's just easier to give in and put up with it all for the greater good. There's no abuse now, but I can't feel much love either.
Hope you are okay @CactusCry23

Thank you @ThunkedThoughts- I am definitely having moments of relief! And I’m also noticing how nice it feels when it’s just me and the DCs. So I’m sure they’ll be shocked and sad - but hopefully will also feel it’s going to be ok.

Sorry to hear how dispiriting you’re finding counselling. It can be hard going. What helped me (as well as being on here) was individual counselling to talk things through. But do trust your gut - and please don’t stay because you think it’s better for other people. You deserve to feel happy, and those who love you will want that for you too.

@ThunkedThoughts
@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore
keep posting!
I had a tough emotional week after telling the DC - floored me tbh. But no turning back

Hope you’re doing OK @CactusCry23 That must have been tough. But everything you’ve said on here shows you have thought very deeply about all of this, and you wouldn’t have made the decision if there was any other way.

Like you said to me some time ago (and you were right) you sound like you are done.

We have agreed to tell DCs this weekend - and then he goes middle of next week (for a ‘trial’ 2 months). It’s sad. But he still can’t admit the impact of his anger issues over the years. Even now he claims it didn’t happen that often. I don’t know how many times I’ve told him it shouldn’t have happened at all.

Need to vent! We've agreed he'll move out - but I'm having to do ALL the thinking about how to manage all this for the DCs) I know I shouldn't be surprised. We're going to try the nesting thing so they'll always be here - but he's being really woolly about when he'll see them.

So far he's only accepted my suggestion of him staying here one night a week while I stay at friend's/the flat he'll be in the rest of the time. Other than that he'll just 'pop round' while I'm at work.

And he doesn't want to 'make me leave the house' at the weekends so as things stand he wouldn't see them at all then. I know it's down to him to work out his relationship with them. But that will hurt them - and I don't want him putting it back on me later and making out I made it difficult for him to see them.

ARGH

No. This is him still living in your house, you know

Absolutely not op! Staying in your house!?

Op you don't let vipers sleep in your bed.

I know you are worried about the kids but this man means you harm. Don't let his little 'i don't want to move you' shpeel make you think he is considering anything other than hurting you btw.

I think you are failing to see the wood for the trees. He wants the opposite to you whenever there is opportunity because his AIM is to make life hard for you. And, miserable.

I know you don't want the kids to miss out on time with him. And so does he!

Aldp, father or not, realistically, the less time they spend with someone emotionally abusive the better! If he never sees them - fantastic!!

Yes, it's sad for the kids. But it's actually better for them in the long run. Because his toxic nature will turn on them sooner or later.

Stop trying to make deals with the devil. You cannot wi because he will always have a different agenda. And that agenda includes your suffering. Just get him as far away from you as possible.

I agree with pp op, the less time with this cretin the better. If you can manage without him, fade him out.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore checking in! Have you made any progress with house arrangements? Stay strong!

Still in limbo unfortunately @CactusCry23. We had agreed to do it a week ago - but there was an issue with the place he was due to move in to (It happened the day we had agreed to tell DCs - terrible timing). Plan now is to tell them weekend, whether or not that’s sorted (he’ll find an AirBnB if not).

We have barely talked about the details though - it’s driving me mad.

I feel awful in this limbo - having all kinds of physical health effects from the stress. He seems in a great mood though, and sure the DCs think things are getting better. Not looking forward to telling them…

How are you @CactusCry23? I was thinking about you the other day too. Hope there’s progress for you x

We told DCs last night. It was horrible to do - but it did also feel like the right thing.

How did they take it @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ? Has he gone yet? One child has taken it surprisingly well and one surprisingly badly.

i have offered on a house! feel very tired all the time and lots of aches and pains also. The adrenaline must be wearing off and now just sadness hitting.

Keep thinking about you both.
I imagine telling the children is going to be one of the hardest parts.
It's exciting you have offered on a house!!
Until this week, I felt so confused and conflicted, but our couples therapist (who I also see individually) has told me he is a covert narcissist. Whilst I had suspected, to have it confirmed is such a relief. And now I'm looking back on everything without the lens of giving benefit of the doubt that he was acting in good faith, and everything feels clearer. I'm going to work with the therapist on a plan but I'm very scared of his reaction and also the kids' reactions.

Congratulations on the house @CactusCry23 that’s a great achievement. I’m sorry you’re feeling sad and tired - it’s all so difficult isn’t it?

H went last night. Younger DC was really upset when we (I) told them. Older one more conflicted because of her experience. Then we had a really weird week where you wouldn’t have known anything was happening - chats over family dinners and the like.

DCs were fine and chatty all yesterday evening- but today younger one is very quiet. I feel unsettled too - it’s certainly not straightforward relief. And I don’t know whether to raise it with them or wait for them too.

@ThunkedThoughtsthat is a hard thing to hear but I’m sure it will help understand everything that’s happened to you.

Thinking of you both xx

It doesn't sound as straightforward emotionally (for you) as hoped for. It is early days though and your nervous system has been on edge for a long time. It will take a while to feel the safety you will have now. Have you got his key back?
Continue to be the calm consistent parent for the children. They will appreciate this in time.

No. And because we agreed to this ‘nesting’ arrangement he will still be using the house (at agreed times) so I can’t just hide everything or chuck it out.

So not ideal. But I don’t think he’d have agreed to anything more and I couldn’t bear it as it was.

And @CactusCry23hope it’s ok with the DC who’s taking it badly. Do you think they didn’t expect it? It’s so hard handle their emotions as well as yours.