Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Wow that’s validation though, sure my OH is the same. He was so awful at the time I did it by text! No guilt because he’d been so abusive for so long.

Glad you have a supportive therapist happy to call a spade a spade.

Telling the DC was up there in the pain stakes - proper grief. But one DC is so visibly relieved, another struggles with change at the best of time. Hoping new routine will settle in and we can all start to move on. It’s hard but definitely not worse!

Although it’s been horrendous here, I get to see DC every single day. I am not ready for the gaps which will come when I move out but what choice do I have, will have to keep busy and keep in contact.

strength to you @ThunkedThoughts

What a huge huge step @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore thinking of you lots.

its my younger DC that’s struggling too, also the one who got it in the neck the most after me. Change is scary I guess, tryna lean in as best I can.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

I was hoping for some advice. I’m doing ok - my physical health and mental health is improving now we’re separated. I very much feel more ‘me’.

But he’s messaged me today to say his mental health has been really bad this last couple of days and he’s taken the day off work.

I don’t know how to deal with that. I feel guilty- but have to keep reminding myself he’s never felt guilty enough about the impact on me and DCs to change.

Oh, you do not have to take on that guilt!! Why has he messaged you when he could have talked to family or friends instead? Because he wants you to feel sorry for him!
I would either ignore the message or just send back "get well soon". You are no longer his therapist to discuss feelings with.
Stay strong!

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore yeeees, that’s what HE says. Is it even true? Even if it is, that is not your problem, not your guilt, NOT YOUR FAULT.
He’s a grown man, he can sort it. Why tell you? To try and make you think/worry/feel for him. More manipulation.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ahh these conflicting feelings are horrible aren’t they?
Does it make you want to change your mind though?

It’s possible to feel sadness for him as a human but know what you are still doing the right thing for YOU and the DC.

You are clearly a kind person and he knows you’ll have plenty sympathy for him, but please try to find even greater sympathy for yourself.

Keep talking to us too!

Sorry to be back here but I don’t really want to mention this to anyone IRL as it’s a bit 🤢

He stayed here on Fri night while I was away with DC1. And this morning I found ‘used’ tissues on the floor by his side of the bed… He could have had a bad cold, but I doubt it.

I feel like sending a ranty text. Should I??

He's marking his territory. Mine used to take a crap in my loo at pick up.
Ignore, is my feeling.

Gross. Agree that its territory marking.

Thanks both. Will hold back! TBH I’d have found it gross when we were together (clean up after yourself man!) but worse now.

@Shouldbedoing- that’s v grim

Oh wow, how thoughtless is that!?

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore its the inherent contempt in the action of leaving the tissues for you to clean up that would enrage me. Any half decent human cleans up after themselves, whether that’s a used teacup or manky tissue. RAGE!

I haven’t told anyone IRL - it’s SO skanky.

This week’s fun has been him barely seeing the DCs - and he’s going on holiday next week.

He’s making this easy for you! Glad you are documenting all your frustrations. Re read if you waiver.

i found a note I had written to myself for FIVE years ago with v similar stuff - called me toxic, a bad mum, silent treatment, trying to alienate me from friends and family. How did I forget?! Not see it?!

solidarity to us all and none to the shit bag partners out there

Usually in relationships talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words.

Did they all go to Shitbag School for Shite Partners @CactusCry23? Do you think they had classes on how to be such douchebags?? (Or maybe it just comes naturally…)

I think that note shows there was always a part of you that knew. Even if you couldn’t do more then, you could write it down for your future self. It shows this IS him, it’s not a recent thing.

I thought mine was coming across so convincingly in counselling @Pryceosh1987- it was so frustrating. But when it’s come to something he promises to actually do - well guess what…

We had individual sessions with her and she said the most striking thing. She said it was nice to have met me properly. I didn’t think I was, but I’d obviously still been editing myself around him.

BTW - I quoted you in one session @CactusCry23. You told me a while ago I was obviously done - and it really helped cut through the guilt and worry. I managed to say “I’m done” - and that was trigger for sorting the separation. Thank you x

Ahh glad to have helped even tangentially. @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore This thread has helped me so much.

where are you up to? I can file now and have my mortgage approved.

And have you noticed our tones have changed? We sound lighter.

I definitely do feel lighter @CactusCry23. I’m glad you do too. And I’m proud of myself for finally finding the courage to do something.

I’m also realising how I’d locked away all my feelings in order to keep going. All the fear and pain and anger is coming out now.

The saddest thing is that oldest DC used that same word - she feels lighter too... Other DC doesn’t feel like they’re seeing him enough though - which they aren’t because he’s being an arse.

Practically it’s a bit of a limbo. He won’t engage about longer term plans.

Just checking in with you all now Xmas beckons, always a trigger point here x

First Christmas without 'him' this year and I was doing okay for the last 6-8 months. But now it's hit again.
Bloody Christmas :-)
Get it over and done with and roll on Easter 🙄
One foot in front of the other.......🌻

It’s horrible. I feel so responsible for making sure everything is ok. He’s being super nice at the moment 🤢 - but still leaving everything to me.

How are things with you @CactusCry23?

Can I also add though that this thread in particular (and posting on Mumsnet more generally) has helped me more than I can say this year.

Knowing there were people out there who understood and who were offering support helped me make that final move - and is helping me now.

Onwards to a better 2026!

Just waiting to leave after Xmas hopefully- he is going away for the big day which is a huge relief but it’s still like pulling teeth.

The moments of peace when I’m home alone are giving me hope for the future.

Same @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore !