Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

thanks everyone
I guess part of me still wants him to say something that can make this mess disappear. Foolish as that sounds!

The wearing down is definitely working, can barely see straight today, let alone ‘chat’.

Finally starting to see what I deserve in life though, tiny progress.

@CactusCry23 I hope it goes better later if you chat. Do keep posting here if it is helpful. It's okay to wobble, but please know you deserve so much better than him! His words and actions have been a deliberate choice.

Thanks for the recommendation for the Lundy Bancroft book. The section you mentioned on change and apologies was very helpful for me.

It's hard to get your thoughts in order when he wants to chat so often. I have been journalling to try and let the rumination go, knowing I have it written down if I need it.

Essentially, I think for me, given its been 18 months, I have mentally exited and grieved the relationship already. I've not grieved giving up the house or the impact on the kids, but the relationship itself feels dead in the river. I'm not sure where you are on this path. If there's love there still?

@Sicario is correct. Sad how so many of us have had the same thing. I didn’t even know it existed when I was younger.

@Sunflowers67 thank you so much for your honesty and reflection- needed to read that 💐

@ThunkedThoughts yep same same, have detached myself and grieved the marriage I thought I had. The house and DC is a different story, but the fact I can even contemplate any of this is such a huge departure.

as @Sunflowers67 said I still care after all this time, but what is real and what is a trauma bond?

How are you this morning @CactusCry23 ? Did you manage to deflect his manipulation?

@Bunniesnotbullies thanks for the check in, went to bed!
now have a few days of peace ✌🏼

That's good @CactusCry23, well done 💪. I hope you had a decent sleep and I hope your few days of peace will be calm and give you some much needed breathing space, doing things that you want to do, or nothing at all

@teenmaw sorry you went through this too. You’re right so much energy ploughed into his feelings, his behaviour and his motivations. When he is not doing that for me is he?

This absolutely rings true. I realised I wasn't a person to him,.wife or girlfriend is just a role. That's why he used pet names a lot... interchangeable.

I'm ten years on and he enjoys trying to talk to me when doing handover with DS. I'm trying to keep it short now. He got another new girlfriend recently and is desperate to talk about her withe. It's sickening. He actually said he really liked her and that he wanted to get her to really like him before she realised what he is really like.

Also the apology that isn't an apology ...he used to say " I do love you but you are very annoying..." Stuff like that. Horrible.

I haven't ever got past that doubt. That really there's something wrong with me. I know it's him. Intellectually I know what's gone on. But I feel like I am 'wrong' and the reason I am alone now is because I am not attractive or loveable. That's him. That's the mind games. It goes so deep that you can know it's not true but still feel that doubt.

I hope you can get out and be happy. Don't waste your life.

How is everyone today? I’ve had a few days with H away which has been good (not looking forward to him coming back later).

It has made me more sure we need some proper time apart. I’m worried how the DCs will react though - and how much to tell them. They’re 15/18 so need some explanation, but I don’t know how much it’s right to say. And I don’t know if he’ll make it all my fault.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore how are you? What makes you think that you need more time? Do you feel calmer, less manipulated?

Thats a a tough call with DC. I grew up with an over sharing DP and hated it tbh. But equally I guess sugar coating it too much might be confusing for them too?

I have woken up so sad and anxious it’s overwhelming! Is this another phase.
And a bit angry at what he has put us all through, plus all we still face.

Happy for you to DM if you ever need to 💐

I have woken up so sad and anxious it’s overwhelming! Is this another phase.
And a bit angry at what he has put us all through, plus all we still face.

You will go through all manner of feelings @CactusCry23 , it's a big thing you're going through because of what he's put you through so don't let go of that anger, keep focused on your end goal - your peace.

Know that it's normal to feel all these feelings and go with them; don't think that because you're breaking your heart you need to forgive him. I couldn't understand why I was so upset when I was so glad to be rid of my ex, I think there was a fair element of trauma bonding along with all the other 'life I should have had' and whatnot.

I think it can be so much more difficult than a 'normal' break up because he has been working his 'magic' in your head for so long, as has already been spoken about. They make it so that you doubt everything you were once sure of, that you need to rely on them for all of your emotional support , that they are the only ones you can trust, etc etc etc. While you are going through the breakup you also need to go back to how you used to think, to put the shite he's put in your head out of the way. It's a lot of work, it'll take time but you will get there

Thanks @Bunniesnotbullies might need to read this post every day til the end of time!

There'll be a day you look back at it, having forgotten about it and not having thought about fanny baws for at least a month, and think "Oh yeah! Remember that. Jeez, look how far I've come, I'd forgotten how bad it was".

@CactusCry23 that’s absolutely it. I feel really calm. It’s taken a few days as I was getting oldest DC off on a big trip. And I was stressed about not having anything planned with anyone. But I have had such a nice chilled day - happy in my own company.

@Bunniesnotbulliesyou are so right. And I think that’s why I’m so worried about telling the kids. He acts like nothing is wrong - makes me feel crazy.

He’s just come back and asked for a ‘check in’ tonight 😩

Holy CF.

Said that I need to go to GP.
Does not want to divorce and he loves me.

He wants to tell me something that will be difficult to hear. Talks about his therapy and how much it has included discussion of our relationship.

Gets out a printout. Said he feels I have dismissed his contribution over past xx years.

Starts talking about a personality disorder which involves devaluation.

I asked is that supposed to be about me?
He kept on talking about devaluation - I flipped and ripped the paper up.

Went out to ring and triend and sobbed. WTAF

That'll be a firm no, then.

You know exactly what's coming. A wall of diatribe designed to make you "see sense" and change your mind about divorcing him.

I expect you will be feeling a sense of dread and generalised anxiety now that he is back. Listen to those feelings. They are real.

"My mind is made up and I don't want to discuss it with you any further."

Then go out if you have to. Avoid him like the bubonic plague.

Cross-posted with you.

Fucking hell. What a manipulative bastard. Don't listen to a word he says. Are you able to remove yourself from the house? This is seriously abusive and akin to mental torture.

@CactusCry23 just remember that all his attempts at check ins or anything else are to benefit him and him alone.

Ah, I see your update. His accusations are admissions, again. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to ask your GP to put it in your notes that your husband is abusing you. And get back in touch with WA. And chase up your solicitor tomorrow.

I had the printout too. I was sitting there, minding my own business, there hadn't been anything worth noting about the day, it was just a bland normal day and he comes and hands me a print out about anger that he "got through work years ago" although the prick was too dense to realise the printer had put that day's date on each page 🙄. Honesty, they really are such insufferable arseholes.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore"He acts like nothing is wrong - makes me feel crazy" - that's part of the abuse. He sets you up to react, whether out loud or inside, then acts normally so you seem to outsiders, and feel yourself, like the crazy one. It's just a tactic. Once you get to know them you can put a wall up and start to protect yourself.

Thanks everyone. My heart is racing and I feel like just crawling under a rock.

How cruel can you be to literally abuse someone for months, or longer, then diagnose THEM with a personality disorder?

Just because I don’t think any ‘good’ treatment just wipes out the ‘bad’.

I am actually shaken and shocked- but I guess to you lovely PP that have sadly lived this too, it’s so predictable?!

@Bunniesnotbullies was he saying that you were the angry one?

He's manipulating you, it's that simple. He wants you to retract the divorce and reconcile with him. I'm sure he'd be fine for a time, but the old him would start creeping back in. He's not changed, and probably isn't likely too. Your priority is to remove your children and yourself from a toxic environment. Continue with the divorce, you are absolutely doing the correct thing. Don't let him change your mind, by making promises that he's unlikely to keep.

@Sicario that is what it feels like utter torture. Just shown again his apologies are meaningless

was he saying that you were the angry one?

Yes. Again, it was he who was angry. He didn't have the strength to talk about how he felt so he projected it all onto me. As they always do.

Predictable indeed, there's little that surprises me about these fuckers nowadays. It's just a matter of time with each tactic they try. Whatever you do @CactusCry23 do not trust him on anything.