Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Just had an intense 60 mins, still admitting all his fault, that it was the divorce papers that made him see how he had been - etc etc.

Did not deny the contempt, anger, bullying.
Said he blamed my grief because he really did believe it was my fault at that point. He was out of control and we can do a sort of contract going forward.

It’s not fair of me to diminish 20 years of practical support after 6 months of madness. Repeated his intent was not to hurt me he had no plan etc.

Agreed he had history of getting angry when people had feelings he couldn’t handle. He had been selfish and immature.

Wants to rebuild, do counselling etc etc.

So. damn. tired.

How absolutely trite. You get an hour and a letter of self awareness that is both hurtful and self absorbed, and it is not fair that after six months you make a decision?

It sounds like a hour of you listening to what he thinks he’s lost, how unfair you are, and his post hoc justifications for why he acted like he did.

He did nothing about it. You did. Don’t fall for this stuff. He’s a piece of work, this one

And by the way you had a contract. It’s called marriage. And you’ve decided to end it.

what a twister

It hurts to see him frog march you through his stages of grief over the death of your relationship. Since he killed it himself. Crocodile tears.

So. damn. tired.

That's because he is still manipulating you, twisting things just enough to make you doubt yourself. Get out, stay out, recuperate, be happy. You are allowed.

I told him I was glad he had gained some self awareness but that didn’t also give me hope for our marriage.

Ended the conversation as I was getting tired and wound up. I did not manage to grey rock at all 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are handling this so well! I can't think of anything he could say that would make you want to give it a chance. Your list is atrocious and more than justifies your decision to divorce.

Thank you @ThunkedThoughts lost my cool which I’m regretting tbh.

Don’t. That was after all the object of the exercise. He wanted to make an emotional impact.

Please, he’s going to keep doing this and you need to stay away from him. It’s very manipulative

Don’t—alternating gray rocking with shrieking is probably salutary for him. That will jeep him on his toes.

You are doing very well - and now just rest.

From my experience - this is just another predictable phase they all go through.
When my ex really and truly heard that it was over and I was not going to forgive him anymore or accept his lame excuses for abusing me, he turned pretty nasty and was removed by the police. I genuinely feared for my physical safety when up until that point it was 'only' my emotional safety taking a battering.

If I could have done anything differently, it would have been to have kept the peace a little until I could have made sure that I was away from him and safe.
Please do not underestimate people like this - you think you know them, how they will behave, that they would never, ever hurt you physically - but they do.

Keep alert, keep safe and keep going x

So hard, feel shakey today! I said this isn’t love and how could anyone have this behaviour in them?

He just said ‘you’re a nicer person than me’.

I have woken up really anxious about finances as much as anything, running another house would be really tight £££.

Running on really tight finances will be way easier than trying to save your marriage I promise - it'll all be within your control and you can make it work somehow; with him still in the picture you have no control as he has it.

You can do this love, keep on getting out of there xx

OP sorry to hear you are going through this.
One way to approach this going forward is to thank him for his introspection and acknowledgements.
And say that you hope he can use these realisations to respect your choices and make the path forward through separation as kind and straightforward as possible, as you hope to do for him.
And point out to him that if he really does feel sorry for his actions and love you, then this is how he can show it and make up for what he has put you through in recent times.

@Sunflowers67 that sounds really scary for you. I am glad you are on the other side and hope you are healing.

You are right, he has been erratic and unpredictable so far - may have more to come 😩

@justmadabouttheboy people manage don’t they?

@Yazzi thanks that is a kind and compassionate approach. I will give it a go

It is- but it also means he has to demonstrate the truth of his remorse even where he doesn't get the outcome he wants.
And if he can't, that says it all.

That's what he wants. His invitations to "talk" will be attempts to destabilise you and exhaust you further. It's basically a campaign at this point to wear you down so you don't know which way is up.

I would make a concerted effort from this point to spend as little time near him as possible, and accelerate proceedings. It wouldn't matter if he had given you 50 years of unwavering support and no hardship, you would still be entitled to end the marriage. You don't have to pass his test to get out. He doesn't have to agree. You can make the decision, which you have, your word is final. He isn't the gatekeeper.

Be very aware that he's likely to switch tactics again and again, so this "rational" apologietic aware stage won't last, stay on your toes, and stay away from him. Can you go and stay with friends or get a cheap hotel /airbnb to get some peace?

Yes it’s all designed to grind you down, and you need to be wise to manipulating behaviour.

If you get into a discussion, he is looking to test you, grind you down, or get information. This is him looking after himself, and don’t be fooled by tears or sudden emotion particularly when you’ve said very little, this is designed to soften you up. All of it is designed to get you to change your mind.

I agree with pressing ahead. I would think he will revert to his true colours of being nasty when he realises you won’t change, and I would be using the time you have to get on with it.

Contempt is the death of relationships- they never recover - so remember what he’s really asking for is to hold you in contempt and also you to accept it. Emotionally outrageous

Yes @CactusCry23 people manage...and actually my budget got a lot more manageable when it didn't have to cover XH and his food and his car...you'll be fine I promise!

I would probably ask him to move out put divorce on hold and say you will reassess in 9 months- see how it goes- but that’s me , you may definitely want a clean break and not be able to see how it goes

@GoldDuster I am due a few days just me and DC so that is helpful timing-wise, thank you.

I never knew it was possible to feel this conflicted. The logic of ‘I couldn’t accept I was the problem until you filed for divorce’ is just utterly baffling to me.

There is no logic. You're in a situation where you're desperately scanning his words for meaning, and reason, because everything has been picked up and shaken. There is none, it's word salad. It's designed to confuse. The best thing you can do is nod and smile and get that paperwork signed. Years down the line you'll still spend a couple of minutes here and there while washing up wondering what the fuck happened, and you will still be baffled by it. There is no logic. You will die trying to make it make sense if you let yourself.

Focus on what you need, smile and wave and get out.

Honestly, I can't tell you how much this resonates with me. My DH, after 18 months of low level emotional abuse to me and DS, has now been able to self reflect. Last week he tells me that only now does he have hindsight to see that he was the problem - and not indeed me or DS, even though at the time it was fully blamed on us and delivered with such an aggressive tone that we felt frozen and silenced. For 18 months I've been ignored or berated, and so I've emotionally disconnected. However now he sees me making moves to leave and suddenly he wants us to reconnect (although of course he's refusing therapy) and has all of his excuses ready.
But I feel so conflicted. He is making an effort, but I'm not sure I buy it. I don't think someone who loves you ignores you for 18 months! Even though he's making an effort, I don't suddenly feel loved. Was it even abuse? Am I the problem? My head feels all over the place. But like you, when I write down some of the things he has said and done, I feel justified in my leaving.
Have you got anyone you can speak to? I am trying to see a therapist so I can talk it through with someone. But essentially I think I'm looking for permission that it was 'bad enough' to leave.