Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Tell him you won't give in to an ultimatum. Why can't he live in a house share? Many young men do, especially after university.

No job, nothing !!

Ducks in a row time then isn't it honestly you have enough on your plate he can get a flat with his son

I don't think you are BU not to want him there, but equally, his dad isn't BU to say that it's a dealbreaker if you don't let him stay. It's his son.

Where do you think he should go?

I couldn't live with his son either. You'll get posters coming along saying the son needs help and support but no, I couldn't live with him. Sympathy to you.

This is his son. How would you feel if he said your son had to move out? I couldn't stay married to someone who would refuse my child a home

Do you jointly own the house? Are your sons your DH’s?

I’d tell him to stick his ultimatum and if he doesn’t like it he and his DS can get a flat share. I wouldn’t want someone like that in my house around two impressionable teen boys.

Hmm, tough one. What would you do if it was one of your children? Would you say "no way, find your own way", or let them move back in with a strict deadline of when they had to have a job, how much board they will be paying and some ground rules regarding anti-social behaviour? Either way, that has to be your answer.

If he was your son, what would you do?

Yeah well - it sounds like your marriage is over then.

Where is the stepson's Mum in all of this?

Would you refuse to have your child live at home if the same was true about them?

Worth doing some online adhd tests ( due to the drinking). If it turned out to be that medication would fix it so worth a look.

This is what I am struggling with, I don't want to see him homeless as he's a really nice young man but his life is truly upside down . The gaming all night and sleeping all day is terrible . His mum is making excuses of not having enough room and I feel like I am left with the brunt of this . Last year he was coming down for breakfast 4pm in dirty smelly clothes .

He's shown no reason to think he'll change when he moves in. Sounds like this will ruin your life, and your marriage if he does.
If he's decided to ruin his education he can be grown up enough to find a house share because that lifestyle is not compatible with whole household expectations.
Fine if he wants to live like that, but not with you. Grow up time.

Well I’d never put a partner over a child of mine (adult or not). Would you?

So I guess if you don’t want to live with hI’m (he does sound gross) then that’s it, really.

If my son is like that when he is 19/20 I’ll hate it but he will still be my son and I’ll be having him live with me and trying to support him to improve.

It’s his son, of course he is going to want to help him. You can give an ultimatum that he needs to get a job, wash, pay rent and do chores but refusing him to live with you is a deal breaker. I’ve had my dsd come live with me and it isn’t easy but her welfare mattered

How would you react if it was the other way around?

He sounds like a complete nightmare but parents should always have their child's back, regardless of age. I know I would be welcome back even now at 47. They should always have a home.

He probably has some mental health issues that he needs help with. I’m in HE and it’s rife. I dealt with another student suicide recently, the non attendance is indicative of something being wrong.

Crikey! How the hell would he get 'a houseshare' when it would seem his life is going the way it is now?

So you think the thing that will help him turn his life around is sbeing abandoned by his father and being thrown to the streets?

Why don't you sit down with him and tell him you are concerned about him and if he moves in he has to make some positive changes?

Neither of you are unreasonable. If it was your son and your husband was refusing to have him, wouldn’t that be a serious issue for you?
I’m not saying that therefore you should have him live with you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want that. But I don’t think you can view your DH as unreasonable either (although he is unreasonable if he expects you to be the one taking on additional cooking and cleaning for his son).

Yes I am struggling with not helping him but I can't see things changing , we have a lovely home and the smell from his bedroom last year was coming down the stairs. Rotting pizzas etc.

Your DH can't have it both ways. If he insists on hus son moving in then he must allow you full responsibility as a step parent to set down rules. The son must shower daily, clean his room, find a job, contribute to the running of the home financially and practically.
Discuss some ground rules and make sure DH enforces them with you.

Although he doesn’t sound great to live with he’s your DH’s son - how would you react if he said your children weren’t welcome? I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable, he should prioritise his child - I guess you have a decision to make.

He will be an absolutely awful influence on your boys op, I wouldn't want him there either, his own mum doesn't want him.
Whose house is it?

I think you have to apply the same things you would expect if it were your own DC who was having a wayward moment.

Also that way, if and when it goes wrong you have fall back to say this is what we agreed.