Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

It’s time to leave I guess then, don’t put yourself through it, so take this opportunity to go.

Your husband has laid out his stall

I would say, okay fine and see a solicitor

He is banking on you caving in and accepting it.

OP you're both right. I can see why you don't want him there but I can also understand why your partner does. If you both feel that strongly then maybe you do split up. See how your soon to be ex partner enjoys living alone with his adult son who won't work or wash!

I agree with other posters, that I don't think your DH is U for making kicking his son out a deal breaker. I don't think you are U either for not wanting to live with someone like you describe your SS. What does your DH say about how things would be when your SS is there? Did he ignore the smell and behaviour previously, does it upset him in the same way it does you? You need to have a conversation to explain that it isn't the boy (man - though it doesn't seem like it) you don't want in the house, it is the behaviour. And he/the mum should be having a conversation with the boy to find out what went wrong with Uni and what support he needs to get back on track. It sounds a pretty miserable existence for him, if he was mentally healthy it wouldn't appeal (for long)

The son sounds very unwell and in a deep hole.

If he was mine I would want him to have the best chance. I’d say yes if it was set up in a very boundaried way - 1st boundary being that the rules are for dad and son to agree and dad to enforce.

This is it for me.

Neither of you are unreasonable, you just have to figure out if you’re prepared to accept it. Personally, I would because I’d accept that if it were my children struggling I would expect my partner to be supportive.

He is putting his child first which any decent parent would do

His son sounds very troubled,maybe cut him some slack?

I would tell you the same. Your husband is right. His son needs him and is his priority.

what sort of person are you that you’d rather have your own way than have a father support his son when he’s in need?

He could get a job and then house share or move in a flat with his mates, like normal people his age.

Surely the answer is he moves in but there are house rules, he needs to be actively looking for work, he needs to be up before 10, he needs to keep his room and himself clean, you can turn the WiFi off at midnight and if he doesn't like that he can live elsewhere.

How is he funding this lifestyle? Not on for your husband to do this to you, especially not with two teenage boys in the house already.

Don't do it OP.
My sis dropped out and has yo-yoed back to my mum and dad's the last 20 years when shit goes wrong, currently bern back 3 years!!! was meant yo be a few weeks! My DP should be enjoying retirement not having an adult child at home.
I've been back once for just shy of 2 weeks when we had work done that was impossible to do with a toddler at home all day!
Help him find somewhere.
If you aren't firm now you could end up 60s with him still there dictating what you can and can't do - oh while also if paying anything will be token rent of £25-50a week if lucky!

OK, that would be an option. But this is a young person who - for whatever reason - hasn't been able to get himself together to stay at uni, so what makes you think he would manage to get himself together to get a job? And where is he supposed to go in the interim?

Why do you think a lot of young men end up homeless?

I wouldn't want him around the other children tbh. Bad influence.

Because he sleeps all day, and gets pissed and games all night?

He's not her son.

I don’t think I could kick his son out, but I also think my marriage would be dead as soon as I was given an ultimatum no matter what was decided on.

Can't you have him but set some strict ground rules along the lines of showering, washing (and make clear he must do his own washing), etc. As pp said, hard for his dad to refuse his son a home but it needs to work for you too.

Will your husband agree to house rules and his son having to agree and stick to them?
is there an option for him living with his mum or elsewhere?
Is the house in joint names?

Call your husband's bluff, and suggest that he and your stepson move into a flat together.

Well the solution is divorce, use the equity in the house for both of you to move into separate properties, he lives with his son abs you lives with your children (and potentially elderly mother). Game on.

i want to help my stepson, I really like him it's his lifestyle I don't like . It's a shame seeing him waste his young life on a virtual gaming world but at the same time would anyone truly want to live with someone who lives like this ? I also feel why should I be monitoring his behaviour and telling a grown man to wash .

To be honest if there’s no plan for improvement, I don’t blame you. You’ll end up just having a young adult hovering around 24/7 stinking the place up and bothering everyone, not to mention that it isn’t the greatest influence on your teenagers.

My DD goes through phases of similar behaviour (minus the drinking, replace that with 🍃) and it was driving me insane, I was constantly on edge. She’s back to work now after she finally ran out of the money saved up from previous work and doing so much better.

Does anyone tell him?

Does anyone point it out to him? Challenge him? Talk to him? Suggest solutions to him? Come up with ideas around different types of talking therapy (self-referral is possible to some services), or a GP visit?

Do his step brothers talk to him when they're home? Do they share a room, go out together, get along?

Apologies for the following bluntness, OP, but I think your marriage is now pretty much dead in the water, unfortunately, btw. It can be death-by-a-thousand-cuts or you can pull the plug quickly - but I genuinely think that the only way for your relationship to survive these next couple of years is going to be separate households given your step son's lifestyle, mental state and expectations and your husband's stated position.

This is the way isn’t it, DH’s ultimatum doesn’t account for the impact on you.

Separate your stepson and his behaviour, as you have done here, say “I will of course have him in my home as our family member, but I will not have that behaviour here.” Draft a contract re: cleaning, contributions to the household etc and get him to sign it, get his dad to agree to check his room daily when he gets back from work and enforce consequences - you all agree he moves out if not sticking to the rules. Sounds like he needs to understand the relationship between freedom and responsibility and the best thing for him might be lots of structure with you. Equally, explain to his dad that his home needs to be more restrictive than living on his own, as motivation to get himself a life.