Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

"My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over"

Bye then 👋🏻

In my opinion you're not being totally unreasonable but i also believe you probably wouldn't allow your partner to tell you, your children cant live with you so you have to allow him to stay with solid ground rules that dont slowly disappear.
My situation with my son was very similar, i allowed my partner his ( step dad ) to take the lead in ground rules and i told him he listens or hes out.
It was no regular alcohol, no gaming past 11.30pm, must be out of bed by 9am and help around the house occasionally, also he had to find a job within a few months, he had an attitude and moaned all the time but eventually he did get a part time job and a girlfriend and started staying at her house, he now has a full time job and stays at his girlfriend's 5 nights per week so it turned out ok.
However the start was rocky, involved throwing a few cold glasses of water over him when he tried to lye in bed all day, that soon stopped.
Hopefully it works out

My brother's the exact same, failed his PHD recently due to drug/alcohol abuse and moved back in with my mum. No job, even though he has a masters. Stays in his room all day, doesn't speak to people when they visit, stays up till 4/5am sleeps all day, stinks too. He's mid 30s now. Don't do it OP. You'll end up divorcing or having him there for years.

Totally agree. It’s the only way things will work. Don’t be the only one who enforces this though

I hate it when people pull out the big guns and give ultimatums like “if I don’t get my way the marriage is over.” This is someone who does not want to talk about it and will not even listen to or validate your concerns by finding a compromise so that everyone feels respected in the arrangement. You are left feeling like a second class citizen in your own house, no wonder you are angry. Surely a middle ground can be found? Could you charge him rent which would force him to find a job? Can you have a no eating upstairs rule? If your husband can’t have your back and enforce some ground rules then yes I think the marriage IS over!

edit: grammar

Been there and got the Tshirt. What some posters are missing is that it is YOU who will be expected to do all the difficult parenting not his actual parents, who appear to be on his side but actually will do very little and avoid the situation.

Stick to your guns and be prepared to leave if needed. Blended families do not work.

Just as her husband should put his son first, Op has sons who should also be put first.
I wouldn't want teenage boys living with that lifestyle if I could avoid it.

Unless her DH really takes on the responsibility of parenting, nothing will change. And as he works late and will hardly see his son, this seems unlikely.

I would seriously be considering splitting up.

His dad absolutely is not putting his child first. His dad has also chosen the easy path in not challenging his son. His dad is enabling his sons lazy arse lifestyle.

I'm always amazed anyone allows their young sons and daughters to game all night and sleep all day. I'd be going and waking them up at 10am, loudly, and turning the Internet off at midnight. How are they going to function in adult life if you allow them to essentially adopt a nocturnal body clock?!

Why do your Sons get to live with you but not his?

I can totally understand your dilemma. Because it's not just about 'supporting' him is it? You're his step parent, so it's not really your job to make sure he sorts himself out...but at the same time his dad is out working till late every day so ultimately he's just being allowed to freeload and linger. On the one hand I'd say call him on his ultimatum. See how he feels when he's getting home late every day to his adult son doing wtf he likes on presumably his dad's money. If you don't want to leave I'd make a different ultimatum...fine he lives here but he cannot live as he has been and it's your dh's job to make sure of it. No more working late and ignoring the issue

You have past experiences of living with him that sound awful so in that respect, ultimatum isn’t fair and on that alone I’d accept my marriage was over and tell my husband so.
He basically wants you to parent his son and put up with awful behaviour that will impact on you and your children as well.
Its great he wants to support his son but why should that be at the expense of you? Ultimatums are only given as a way of controlling the situation and making someone do something the really don’t want to. Not ideal in a marriage! If he was discussing it with you, then fine but this is not a discussion.

Who owns the house?
He needs to help his son
You need to protect your home with your children.
That's not easily compatible.

Would it work for you to "allow" your DH to temporarily move somewhere with his DS to support him while he gets on track?
You could "date" during that time. If things go well reasonably soon, he could move back with you. If his son needs long term 121 care, it might break you up, but it wouldn't be a rushed decision.

And this is why I would divorce. Prioritise yourself and your children.

Sorry, seem to be in the minority but I think you should let him move in. I understand why you dread it, I would too. But you blended families, you chose a man with children. You would want your kids looked after. Allow him to move in with ground rules. Normal hours. Clean room and body. A job. Etc etc. If he doesn’t stick to the rules that’s the time to have these discussions with your husband but you’d be jumping the gun now.

Then the marriage is over and now he has not only a failure of a son but another failed marriage.

Yep, and OP will be the one who takes the blame when DSS's behaviour doesn't change. Dad won't challenge it, OP will be told ' you never wanted him here'.

If this was my son I would let him live at home but I wouldn't tolerate an adult child doing nothing. I would expect him to help with things like cooking dinner, and I would just turn off the Wi-fi once everyone else has gone to bed. I'd also insist that he is either studying full time or paying rent with any job he can get. In my situation, I couldn't afford to have an adult in the house just lazing around, but it's not doing them any favours either.

I would always put my child before my Husband so I guess you will be splitting up then. I do wonder if it was your own child how you would react, I am sure you would them move straight back in and fully expect your DH to allow it.

It is always a good idea to read ALL the OP's posts before commenting, @OldFamilyTable ...

I think you have two choices;

Leave or allow him to move in but agree with your husband some rules and a plan to get him living a more productive life.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here.

I completely understand why you don't want this to happen, and I completely understand why your husband does want this to happen.

Most parents want to provide a home for their children, even when they are annoying, rude and unreasonable.

You, equally, want to provide a stable and pleasant home for your children, and still have the bandwidth to care for your mother.

Your priorities and responsibilities may just not be compatible.

Your marriage is over, then. Probably for the best; your husband sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever, and I don’t see how a relationship could continue on that basis 🤷‍♂️

I don't think it's reasonable to not let him stay. A child (adult or not), should always have a home with their parents.

HOWEVER

How does he afford takeaways etc? He should be paying rent, even if it's dole money. Take half for example. He should also have his own duties to contribute. Say, it's his job to cook dinner for the family twice a week and keep the bathrooms clean. Your husband needs to commit to enforcing this - it isn't unreasonable at all to expect he does. Not that this is the point, but it will also do your SS good, and make staying at home less appealing, which might spur him to move on and out.

It sounds like depression. Are there any underlying issue such as ADHD, MH issues, neurodiversity etc? I'd encourage his dad to seek help for his son, the 1st post of call should be a GP & therapist.