Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Turn the WiFi off at night.

Make it clear it’s your husband’s job to wake him up in the morning before he goes to work. Lights on, curtains drawn back.

my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this

Yet you've agreed to do it anyway!?

Wow, good luck, I think you are going to need a lot of it.

How does his mum not have room? Tough. I wouldn’t want him there with my children either.

Well if that's his condition for the marriage, at least that's clear. You could try calling his bluff. Or maybe suggest a trial 'probationary' period for his son with rules and boundaries.

Very good point. Your husband has lived with your children for a very long time.
This changes perspective.
I think there needs to be a discussion around ground rules and work to support his son

I don’t see how it changes perspective. OP’s children are not the problem.

And as soon as DH goes to work lights off, curtains closed, back to bed.

@Terrribletwos uni grant, allowance from mum and dad!! Yes I know 😞

I would accept the inevitable and start the ball rolling with divorce and selling the house. You know your stepson isn't going to miraculously turn over a new leaf and become a well rounded clean human being. He isn't your problem to solve but his useless parents are leaving it all in your lap - and will most likely blame you when he fails to follow the simple house rules.

If however, you choose to let him move in - come back in a few weeks and give us an update.

It is a terrible thing to see a young man throwing his life chances, like university away and lying around all day. Many young people go through this and there can be all sorts of reasons for it. It can happen to kids you would never dream of it happening to when they were a few years younger. You never know, it doesn't matter how well your kids are doing at the moment, it could happen to one of your own kids op. If it does will you tell them they can't come back to live in your home? Probably not if it came to it. Your DH has had your kids in his and your home hasn't he? Why should he refuse his own adult son house room in yours and his home if it's needed. He lived ves his son just as you love yours and wants to be there for his son, just as you will probably want to be there for yours if they encounter any problems further down the line.

@Champaganesupernova

Depending what the root cause of the problem (assuming it’s not laziness) is you may need to engage a therapist. You may have the best laid plans and boundaries but they may set him up to fail if that isn’t addressed/ understood for the long term. Because whilst he may be able to execute these plans under your roof the issue is when he’s not. That’s where he has failed. Where my son failed. We’re now picking up the pieces - it’s not an immediate fix it’s a work in progress.

People are giving some harsh responses on here and I hope you can treat your stepson at first with empathy. Depending what happened he needs buckets of it. And you need buckets of patience. It’s a testing time.

I also want to say that judging by some people’s spectacular lack of knowledge and understanding in the responses on here my son is a disgusting, lazy, slob who is entitled not someone who studying astrophysics at Uni before it all came crashing down. He had his learning difference misdiagnosed 13 years ago and as recently as 1 year ago and reached burnout. This is how it presented. Same as your son.

Probably! Maybe husband needs to kick him into the shower too. Basically make him husband’s problem as much as possible.

So he gets an allowance from his dad and his mom? Maybe the three of you could talk to a therapist or psychologist about the best way to help him. It sounds like he has some kind of mental and emotional issue.

Maybe he could live halftime on mum's couch and halftime with you. Maybe the allowance needs to be dependent on him going to therapy. Maybe a psychiatrist. Or both. Maybe he needs an assessment.

Then the allowances are dependent on improvements in hygeine. Like showering every other day, wearing deodorant, wearing clean clothes and doing his own laundry. Maybe keeping his room relatively clean meaning no food, no drinking glasses.

It would be good for him to explore different trades, do some volunteering in order to keep getting an allowance.

I'm sorry but if you use blanket terms like 'pathetic parents' and 'pathetic offspring' then I think it probably says more about you than it does sbout the people.you are criticising. Do you also say things like ' Look at Stevens over there, he was beaten up every day by his dad and it never did him any harm', while Stevens cowers in a corner quietly screaming and pulling his hair out.

I stand by my point that plenty of failing adults are that way because they were raised to be. Learned helplessness is rife.

Look at the things posted on MN daily - adults who can’t change a lightbulb, can’t pay a bill, too frightened to apply for a job because they need to speak to someone to do so, too addicted to gaming or watching Netflix to be awake and functioning in daylight hours, can’t answer the door to a delivery man.

While yes, there may be reasons for it in cases, I think plenty of parents are so useless that they raise people who literally cannot do the basics.

It’s pathetic in that other people (partners, the state) need to pick up the pieces with these adults. We all (again, within reason) have a duty to contribute to society’s upkeep. What is the OP’s stepson contributing, for example?

If it happened to OP's kids I'm sure she would have them live with her and do her utmost to support them.

The point is that OP's husband needs to deal with his son in whatever way is appropriate. You say he wants to be there for his son and that's as it should be but what does that mean in practice? So far he is out of the house for long hours and it will likely fall to OP to try to get his son back on an even keel.

He is your husbands son and has as much right to be there as your kids. He might be a pain in the butt but he is your husbands son. Thats his home

But no parents are without challenges of some kind and OPs husband has had to live with someone else's children, not easy

I haven't read all responses but I have read your posts OP. I would be giving priority to my own children who don't want your DSD there. It sounds awful both in terms of the smell and the bad example he sets. I would say to DH that you get the ultimatum, but he and DSD has to go. I understand you love him, but no way would I stick that smell or the poor example for my kids.

I think the compromise that you have come up with is good. I’d be tempted to turn the WiFi off at a certain time, so the all night gaming can’t happen

Yes, he does need support and encouragement. But not by infantilising him - by treating him like the grown man that he is. Personally I wouldn't be getting him up in the morning. But I would insist on rent and him being responsible for things around the house.

I really think this will encourage him along more. If you keep reinforcing a teenager / parent of teenager relationship, he'll stay in that mindset. It makes his getting out of bed, into yours and your DHs responsibly.

However, if you tell him "do what you want, but your room needs to be clean, dinner for everyone needs to be on the table by 7pm and I want £100 from you at the end of the week", it's up to him how that happens. He'll be more incentivised to look for work, if he doesn't have spare cash for video games / takeaways / going out, than if he's just doing it, because he needs to make a good show of trying, to get his dad off his back. It puts the responsibility back in his court.

The frustration usually comes from when the young person doesn’t want to engage. Op has said that he refuses to do certain basic things and it would make a massive difference to the family if he engaged with the rules op is setting.
I would be just as harsh with my own ds and I would insist on showers and a focus on career and jobs.
You’ve set the rules op and it’s up to his dad to be an effective parent and help his Ds become a functioning adult.
I’d add chores to the list too op. This isn’t just to force him to help out but it also helps him to develop. He’ll learn a work ethic and have daily achievements which does have a ripple effect.

Would a family meeting with house rules be appropriate?
Listing who is responsible for what each night ( not week as too easy to put things off).
We found sitting everyone down at the table and listing expectations worked for us.
It was put to the group that we all work or study full time, we all contribute to the mess so we all need to contribute to the clean up and chores.
Nights to cook or clean or walk the dog were allocated.
Everyone responsible for own washing and other jobs evenly allocated taking into account sporting and working commitments.
Everyone just got on with their chores after dinner so it did not feel like anyone was not contributing.
Good luck with whatever you decide

I’m with those who say that you cannot deny your SS a home. If you marry someone with DCs, you take on the good and bad that comes with it and you can’t expect the stepchild to be treated less well by their biological parent than you would treat your own DCs. 20 is no age.

But it does sound a bit as if his parents have given him money rather than time and have settled down very comfortably in ways that exclude him. Your husband needs to actively take him in hand and impose expectations. The allowances need to be cut back and he needs to find some kind of job and start to earn his way and have that kind of responsibility. At the moment, life probably feels pointless to him and he probably feels pointless. An intervention is needed and your husband needs to step up and be more available to achieve this. A house meeting setting out expectations is a good start. A PP also suggested setting out a timeline including that he starts to pay rent if he’s still there in, say, 6 months’ time which I thought was good.

"... and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this ..."

Some questions on your husband -

1. Why does he work late every day? Is he a workaholic? Avoiding home life? For the money? Why?
2. What is he going to DO for his son? My suspicion is 'nothing' except force you to have him in the house. That's not being a good dad. He needs to put some work in with his son, get him out of this lifestyle rut and step up to the plate. How does HE propose to do that? Is he going to actually be around for his son, or continue to hide in his workplace?

Your husband has served you with an ultimatum. For me, that means I can serve him with an ultimatum too. My ultimatum would be -

1. He stops working late every night, because he needs to experience his son's choices in the same way as the rest of the household.
2. He is active in his son's life. He talks to his son about his lifestyle, insists on him being clean and keeping his room clean. He actually helps his son with both, whether that be constant reminders that BO is unnecessary and unacceptable or them cleaning son's room together. No leaving it to you.
3. He shoulders the responsibility of turning his son around. Putting a roof over his head is not enough, he needs to accept his current 'parenting' has failed his son and he himself needs to change his approach to his son.

And if he won't agree to your ultimatum, and agrees but then does not deliver, as with his ultimatum - the marriage is over. You have to wrest the power of divorce-as-punishment out of his hands. This NEEDS to be done. Otherwise any love you have for him now will wither and die as he insists you live like this and he has the whip hand. No, that cannot be allowed.

To be honest, even his threat of divorce should make you reconsider the character or your husband. It shows a deep disrespect for you, and a willingness to force you to do what should not be done.