Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

He's had his chance at living with you and blew it. He's an adult and has to face the consequences of his actions. Your husband is OK about him moving in because it won't affect him much. You can't bow down to this ultimatum, you've got enough on your plate. Is your husband showing you how little your peace of mind and comfort matters to him?

Your husband isn’t the only one who can issue ultimatums.

Tell him your stepson can stay with you, but he needs to be working, volunteering or training for full-time hours, contributing to household chores, no food in his room, and that you expect him to maintain personal hygiene.

If he can’t treat you and your house with respect, then it’s over.

Honestly, good on your husband for prioritising his son. But at the same time, you should say to him - he’s welcome, but there’s ground rules. And if you, as his father, don’t enforce them - then our marriage is over. Speak in the language he understands.

Time for some tough conversations OP! Ask your OH if he thinks it’s acceptable for his son to stink the house out with his BO. Ask SS why he won’t shower and change his clothes . Ask why he won’t eat with the family at meal times. There are countless awkward questions in your present situation and in your shoes I would be asking. The longer your OH allows his son to behave like a slob the longer he will do so…….you are not the house skivvy and deserve support from your OH not an ultimatum that your marriage will be over if you don’t do their bidding.

Maybe no one is his life has ever tried to help him before? It’s absolutely not your ‘job’ but seeing as you like him and think he’s a nice chap, maybe you could be the one to show him how to live responsibly?

I wouldn’t want to see him homeless either but moving in comes with rules. You decide what they are but you could be as extreme as limiting the WIFI after midnight so he’s not able to game and then sleep all day. If he’s got an apprenticeship he needs to be able to get up for that anyway. And then the other rule is he has to have a shower every day.

It sounds crazy to have to do that for a 19 year old but a few boundaries might make a huge difference to his future life.

I would absolutely end my relationship if my DH said my DD couldn’t move in.
It wouldn’t matter how old she is.

I am 100% on DH’s side here.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have house rules and it’s on his dad to enforce them.

The messy room, staying up late or sleeping during the day wouldn’t bother me (as long as it didn’t impact on anyone else eg being loud) but he would need to be in education or working.

It’s a very slippery slope being out of education or not working as then it’s hard getting back into it.
It sounds like he has some depression and so he may need a break from it all but being out of it too long may make things worse.

DH needs to be supporting him and encouraging him to find something he enjoys and then the showering and staying up late etc will naturally get better.

He may need to see the gp if he is struggling to get antidepressants.

I am so torn as I really love my husband , I don't want this breaking us up . I also understand his feelings of helping his son out and of course I would expect I would help my children as well . I really can't see my stepson suddenly wanting to work and he will struggle sleeping at night now as he's had two years at uni living nocturnal, also he may find it hard finding an apprenticeship due to his past uni failings .

Are your two boys at home your husband’s children @Champaganesupernova?
I agree that your stepson will be a bad influence on them as he lives his life at the moment.
Is he on the autistic spectrum and finding the world difficult to negotiate ?

Could he be depressed ?
Is there anything/anybody who coukd motivate him ?

Show willing. Help pay his rent, his deposit etc

I would hold firm on this. I have a similar stepson and refused to have him live with us when his mum kicked him out a few years ago. However, I was seriously ill at the time, so my DH went along with it. If he hadn't, it would probably have destroyed our marriage.
Depending on your finances, could you consider paying stepson's rent in a flat share?

No, my sons are mine. They are both doing really well in education so my stepson won't be a bad influence on them , they have however, complained about his hygiene .

I would allow him, but subject to house rules.

@KentishMama I suggested this but was told no.

The only way I’d agree to this is with firm boundaries that were enforced and an ultimatum issued the other way that if he wasn’t working, kept his personal hygiene up and wasn’t disruptive to others then a six month max stay would be appropriate or you would also look for divorce.
this young man has made choices and now it is time to live by them

So you are considering subjecting your children to a man-child who isn't even their brother?! No. Just no. Put them first and ditch your husband while you're at it.

I'm sure you would expect his cooperation if your children found themselves in this exact same situation. You are in a blended family. This is part of the deal of the relationship.

He's an adult, why on earth should other people (which will likely be OP) have to remind him about personal hygiene and general cleanliness.

And who is going to enforce them? His father has already proved himself unwilling.

I wouldn't agree to us at all. He needs some tough love at this point and he's clearly not going to get it from his father.

Sit your DH down, and tell him that the only way his son is moving in is if you both set some house rules about schedules and cleanliness and that he help enforce them... and you make it clear that if they aren't stuck to, he will be back out the door and your H is welcome to leave with him.

Any idea why he won't consider this as an option? Maybe addressing his concerns could work... ?

Plenty of adolescents go a bit nocturnal and don’t stay that way for life. He is not the first boy to have messed up his uni experience by addictive video games. Maybe try to adjust things gradually, start with a 3am internet curfew at weekends and 12 in the week so he has some days where he can game and some where he’s up and job hunting.

The real world might look quite bleak from his point of view. He needs to find a purpose but with limited job options these days and no degree he may not find it at all easy to adjust. I wish you and your DH luck OP.

If he is not able to get an apprenticeship right now then perhaps say to DH he needs to get a PT job.

He is obviously struggling with something and so he’s not going to change over night but getting a part time job will naturally help him get into a routine and then eventually go into an apprenticeship or back to uni.

I think going to uni straight from college sets so many young people up to fail and he probably just needs a break from it all.

Tell DH to tell him to get a PT and then after 6 months he needs to go FT or go back into education or an apprenticeship.

I wouldn't agree to that, I mean. He really needs to wake up and realise that people are not going to put up with this behaviour. If he moves in that's not going to happen

I think you need to talk to your DH outside of your home, somewhere neutral, and explain that you understand him totally wanting to care for his DS, jist as you care for yours but you found the laziness and smell overwhelming last time and there needs to be some ground rules which your DH needs to enforce.

So I’d go for things like:

Showers daily

Washes his bedding once a week

No food in room

Applies for at least one job a day

Signs up for UC as they will help him find work

He does something positive with your DH at the weekend like go for a run or walk together

Your DH reads up on inattentive ADHD, obviously can’t say it is that but people with this can struggle with some of the same issues

He cooks for the family at least once a week