Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

If you said he was nasty and abusive you’d have a point but you said he’s a lovely young man. He is struggling, my son had a period of time when he was struggling, dropped out of college, stayed in bed all day, up all night etc. I let him be who he was in that period (depressed and unengaged) but always loved and supported by me. In the meantime I got him on the list for therapy. He came through it, went back to college and took his A levels, went to university and is now thriving.

Don’t abandon him, support him and get him some professional help just like you would if he were your biological son. If I had a partner who wouldn’t have allowed my son to be home I would have said it was over too. Team dh here.

When I say you, I mean your dh (and you if you want) to get him therapy, support etc. A happy person doesn’t behave this way, so something is going on if, underneath the lack of hygiene etc, he is a good and decent person.

Yeah I think that bit is the worst bit about this

.I get putting your children first but basically to be willing to throw your entire marriage away that easily is pretty awful. It is totally understandable the OP not wanting the son not to move in. It is completely different scenario to a child moving in for a few weeks whilst they are in between accommodation and moving in for good and being an unpleasant house guest.

The OP lives there too and I can’t believe the amount of people saying that she and her children have to put up with someone who is not a pleasant to have around. I’m not saying she shouldn’t do it but it is definitely a conversation that involves rules and consequences for breaking them rather than ‘he moves in or we are over’

No, first port of call is to cut his money off, cut his WiFi off and boot his lazy arse out of bed.

His father needs to step up and enforce the house rules for everybody's sake. The son's access to money needs to stop, laptop & phone removed at 11pm, daily shower, clean his room, do his laundry.

Make that part of the deal with your DH and insist on it. Presumably DH is home by 11pm so he can take the son's laptop & phone. He can wake his son in the morning before he leaves for work and make him have a shower. He can stop all funds. It will only work if your DH puts in the effort.

I wouldn’t be letting my own child move back in if they were like that. From adults I’ve seen that are like this, they never move out and don’t change. It really doesn’t help them.

I think this is an excellent approach - providing your DH is also on board.

I think many 19/20 year olds find themselves in this position. It's a vicious circle - they socialise through their online gaming, which also completely throws their body clocks, which then makes it difficult to function during 'normal' hours. They need help to break the cycle.

“gets drunk and orders takeaways”

So where is he getting the money to do this? If there is booze in the house and he helps himself to it, you will have to think about how to prevent it - irritating, I know, in your own home. But ordering take-away at all hours? How does he afford it, because they’re not cheap. And if he has money, why is he expecting to live at home without making some sort of contribution? It’s very easy for his mother to say she hasn’t got space - she is equally responsible for this feckless youth as is your DH. If your DSS doesn’t get himself a job or onto an apprenticeship scheme fairly promptly, he’ll be unemployable, and you’ll be looking at having him at home for ever. Your DH also needs to tackle the problem of his son’s personal hygiene - that’s just unacceptable.

You’ve offered a solution to his ultimatum- if he is this ridged then it’s not going to work.

sadly it would seem it’s time to say goodbye to someone making demands and being inflexible

a marriage or partnership is a two way flexible relationship not one made of demands without compromise and solutions

Adding to the chorus of him needing ground rules to stay. But also to say young brains don’t finish developing until age 25. Some - boys especially - are a bit slow to grow up and need support and a lot of spelling things out to get going as an independent adult.
My eldest despite doing ok with a framework of school and chores as a teen, fell apart at uni and got addicted to gaming. He wasn’t allowed his computer in his room when he dropped out and came home. And we had to physically sit with him to get him to do his cv, apply for jobs, even going round shops and businesses with him so he could go in and speak to people and hand over his cv. He ended up volunteering in a charity shop first to get some experience but he got there in the end, with some help. He is a fantastic human with a decent job, training in a trade, got his own place now. And to add he has mild dyspraxia and adhd which must have played a part.
Your SS needs support but this shouldn’t all be on you.
Your DH is right that he is family and should have a place with you but he’s being a massive lazy knob of a parent not to step up in a meaning full way.
Could you show him this thread?

This^

I did. Which bit did I miss?

Tell the SS he will be allowed to stay on a month by month basis and must follow the house rules at all times.

Cleaning himself and his room.

He needs to get up at a normal time and go to bed before midnight, no gaming unless earning.

It is up to his father to ensure that his son has a start for a new life but it is up to the son to fit in with everyone else.

Agree if you want to try and keep your marriage a set of rules agreed by you and your dh that are out to him before he moves back. No pocket money and when he gets a job he pays rent. It’s better for him than being allowed to waste away. I’d give him (and dh) a 6 m trial.

Yes, smoking, drinking, gaming, eating sugar are all dopamine hits. It doesn't sound like a recent thing. Worth a look.

I don't think you are BU not to want him there, but equally, his dad isn't BU to say that it's a dealbreaker if you don't let him stay. It's his son.
Where do you think he should go?

Where any other grown adult goes, to their own home that they pay for?

Feeling your pain OP. My stepson is 24 and lives with us full time. He’s nearly 24. To be fair he works from home 4 days a week, pays rent, but does absolutely nothing else. Often stays in the same pyjamas for 3 or 4 days. Lays down in bed and games all weekend and waits to be fed. Allegedly he is saving to move out but I’ve made a rod for my own back. DH doesn’t see it - he’s always been this way so it’s “normal” for him

Bye bye H and SS 👋

I don't see how the OP can kick him and his son out, she mentions a "busy life" of looking after her mother and two teenage sons. But no job herself. The OP's husband is presumably paying for her to be a housewife, which is fine but won't be funded if he moves out.

Yes, the teenager should have a job, but maybe the OP should as well.

Why don't you agree that he can move in once he's found a job and that he has to pay towards a cleaner?

Rubbish. My own son went through this. He came out the other side with love, support and therapy.

Let’s hope your kids (if you even have them) never struggle as they’d be sleeping in shop doorways.

Hard agree

If it was OP who wasn’t sleeping at night, was not showering and had got sacked from her job, would you be advising her DH to cut her money off, turn the wifi off and boot her lazy arse out of bed?

Isn't there a compromise here? He can stay, provided he gets and keeps an apprenticeship, doesn't stay up gaming all night, and generally behaves in a reasonable, considerate manner - which includes washing, keeping his clothes and his room clean, cleaning up after himself in other communal rooms, and generally contributing to family life.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/

I'd seriously consider getting an ADHD assessment for him

I wouldn’t give in to an ultimatum but I would look for compromise. It sounds like you and your DH are on opposite sides of this argument which is a bad thing. You need to be 100% united on whatever solution you come up with.

If the stepson does move in he needs to have clear boundaries and he needs to know these come from his father, not just you. Getting drunk would be a red line for me, as would smoking weed, if he does.

If he’s dropped out due to mental health issues I’d try to be supportive, but in that case your DH needs to be much more involved than just providing a roof over his head and expecting you to step up on his behalf.

So basically your DH is saying 'I want my son to come and live here' (fine) 'but you are going to have to look after him because I'm never there. Or I leave.' (not fine).

What is your DHs plan? All those saying 'kick the boy out of bed/turn off the wi fi/make him get a job/take him to the GP' - just bear in mind that this lad is in his late teens and if he WANTS to game all night/lie in bed all day/not work/not go to the GP it is almost physically impossible to 'make' them do anything differently. There is the chance that he might have a sudden epiphany and become a responsible, productive member of society, but he will do this in his own time and in the meantime he's dossing around being unpleasant to live with.

So I'd ask your DH what HIS plan is for dealing with his son, when he himself is not there most of the time. If his plan is handwavy and 'oh, he just needs time' then he's basically making it YOUR problem. If, however, he has actual, concrete plans as to how to deal with the behaviour, you have a starting point for a discussion.

Otherwise it's symptomatic of your DH making everything he doesn't want to face up to, your job. And that might well be true of the whole of your marriage, so you'll have some thinking to do.