Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Has he ever had assessment for neurodivergence?
What's the relationship like between his mother and his father?
Was the divorce difficult and how old was he?
You have children, what, 4-5 years younger than him at most and possibly closer in age? Assuming they are you and DHs? So he was quite young when his dad and mum split? (maybe they aren't DHs kids of course)
His dad works late and doesn't seem that bothered about either his behaviour or how he is feeling.

Kindly OP, you've been lucky not to have your own children who have had big difficulties before now. Lots of us have had to radically rethink what parenting is, and pick our battles. I was once like you, wanted everyone to come and eat nicely downstairs, wash, brush their hair, go to bed at ten, get up for school. Two autistic children with regular meltdowns and burnouts meant I had to let go of my ordered life and parent the children I had.

I feel sorry for you tho as he's not your son, it seems to have all dumped on you at once, and your DH doesnt seem very engaged.

I think you and DH need to look at SS as someone who needs your help, work out what you can do for him, yes set boundaries, but also give quite a lot of energy to working out what's going wrong for him. Support and help him.

You might, unfortunately, need to live in a way you don't want to live for a while. Your own children do need to be supported and protected from anything dangerous, but you might have to have a dirty room, pizza smells, chaotic bedtimes for a bit.

If it was as easy as saying to someone in this state "You have to wash" , the problem would be easy, right? You know already this young man has more deep seated problems. Help your DH help him.

Sadly if your DH doesnt want to do the hard yards, your marriage might be over anyway. Do you think he'd help you if one of your own children went off the rails?

I think this is a tricky situation. Your husband is right not to allow his son to become homeless. But you are not wrong not to want to live with your stepson in the situation you describe. The half way house would be to agree house rules and agree that if he repeatedly ignores them, then he has to leave. And maybe explain to your husband that this is in his son’s best interests, not just yours. This is no way for him to become a functioning adult and your husband is doing him no favours by letting his son fester like this. There needs to be consequences for his son’s actions and failure. That’s life and this is the gentlest of all options to learn of those consequences.

I don’t say this lightly but if your husband disagrees, then it’s probably right that the marriage is over. I’m so sorry, OP.

I think you are ultimatum is fair. I suggest you resist him moving in, based on promises of how he'll behave.

Would you consider him moving in when he's secured the apprenticeship and has an imminent start date.

Your husband needs to set house rules and expectations! Everyone needs to pipe up if he is being smelly and disgusting, that’s unacceptable. It feels like he hasn’t been parented properly (by his parents, not you).

Definitely strong house rules. No nocturnal lifestyle, no food upstairs, daily shower, contribute to household jobs, and get one or two volunteering jobs lined up before he moves in. If he doesn’t agree, he doesn’t move in.

To end a marriage would be huge for everyone.

Time for some difficult adult conversations. You, DH and DSS. Preferable if his DM is there too.

Open questions…
where is he going to live? How is he going to fund this? What are his plans for further education or work?

Set out some rules for home. Make sure these are very clear including any rotas for chores, his turn to cook etc.

Set out a timescale if he is to live with you. (three months, six months). What are his plans beyond that?

Make it clear that any broken rules and he will be told to move out.

His DF would be slated on here if he didn't support his son. He is.

I can 100% say if this was your son, you would.be doing the exact same thing as your husband. Putting your child first.
His son sounds as if he's struggling with life. His mum doesn't want him and his stepmum doesn't want him. I'm glad his dad wants him.

There have to be some house rules set up b4 Sson ‘moves’ in.
Sson can’t possibly want to live off (step)parents for ever?

Who owns the house??

This is a situation fraught with emotions and potential consequences. It could be worth you both seeing a counsellor together to work it through and see if there’s a way out that doesn’t implode your marriage

I understand your point - this is presumably a 20 year old man - but clearly something has gone wrong for him, and the family ignoring it and mithering about it in the background isn't going to help.

Also, if the OP and her DH split up over it, he's probably going to have to move out anyway, which isn't going to help matters either if he's depressed / addicted to gaming / wasting his life.

I think some intervention at this point is worth a go.

If the DH says no to that, he's an idiot.

I would accept your husbands decision. Will you be able to stay in your current home with your DC?

Get legal advice and take it from there.

A key point here is that the DH works till late so he will not actually be present and witness his son's behaviour. It is easy to be the"good guy" in offering his son a place to live but he won't be the one at the hard end of the arrangement.

Divorce it is then 🤷‍♀️

I can see both sides as my DC will always have a home in my home, however if you can’t live with his son and your H can’t parent his son to have good hygiene and a decent work ethic, you’re stuck.

I’m pretty sure your H will realise it’s cheaper to put his son in a house share than divorce, but you can’t be in a relationship where there’s no discussion or compromise.

If he’s saying “it’s my way or the highway” then you take the highway.

2nd year uni - so 19/20? That’s not really an adult, although there are people who are independent at that age. He sounds stuck, and he’s not going to get out of it alone.

I‘d be tempted to do something like this:

Back home, but:

First 6 months

• joins in all family meals if not working ( and cooks once a week for all)
• no food in room
• a part-time job or volunteering (Princes Trust maybe? Good for those who are stuck)
• rent-free
• weekly counselling
• cleans room and bathroom 1x week or pitches in towards cleaner.

Second 6 months

• pays rent and has contract (continuation of above points) or moves out.

Could DH pay for counselling and organise volunteering/ part-time job? Having to get up and meet with people can be an important step towards healing, as is being responsible for other people.

Totally agree.

Your husband cannot simply offload his parental responsibilities on to you, @Champaganesupernova

I think that if a partner told me “do it my way or the marriage is over” about anything, rather than discussing things and finding a solution. I’d consider the relationship over really.
important question though, who owns the house?

I'm afraid I thought 'spoilt'.

Has he ever had assessment for neurodivergence?

Oh please @Notuntrustworthy

Not every lazy, video gaming, uni drop out, nocturnal - sounds very typical to me.

Not every little failed challenge in life can be explained by being neurodiverse, a disservice to those that genuinely are.

And even if he is, he needs to work seriously hard on strategies to improve his life.

Struggling with life? He sound bone idle, lazy and entitled to me. If he went to bed at a decent time, got up and went to his classes, did his work and handed it in he'd be in a completely different place in life. I have two sons and I absolutely would NOT tolerate what the OP's stepson is doing. He seems to think his good old Dad will keep supporting him however little he does, and from what the OP has said, that's true. The Dad's laissez-faire attitude has created his lazy arse of a son.

OP I wouldn't want to live with this situation either. Would you and your DH consider family counselling, if you really love him and don't want this to break your marriage up? Allowing your lazy stepson to move back in with absolutely no consequences or timescale for him to sort himself out and get himself into paying employment will be a disaster without some kind of plan to get him independent and not sponging off the two of you.

It sounds like he’s depressed.

Fuck that, OP. There’s a world of difference between a 14 year old who answers back and an actual adult who smells, orders takeaway during the night and lets his room rot.

Of coooourse he’s autistic. Of coooourse he’s depressed. It cannot be that he’s just lazy, prefers the lifestyle of gaming over work/studying and likes eating junk. It’s no wonder there are so many entitled, dysfunctional young adults when there are people queuing up to absolve them of any responsibility for their own behaviour.

If he moves in, your two sons will likely follow the same path - this guy’s lifestyle will sound appealing to them - no bedtime, eating nice junk foods, gaming, no responsibility etc. Your home will smell and I bet you will feel like an unwelcome guest in your own house.

I think if this were me, I’d suggest my partner and I stay together but that he moves into a flat with his son. Not because I hate the stepson, but because I have two kids to think about and an elderly mum. That would be more than enough rationale.

I really sympathise with you, OP. It’s a shit situation.

Where does he get money from?
I would let him move in but not give him a single penny or the WiFi password. If he tried to claim benefits I would go to the benefit office and beg them not to give him any money.
DO NOT ENABLE HIS LAZINESS.
That's what I'd do if he was my son.

I've got to say it's got to be a middle ground.

I totally understand where you both are on this; of course husband can't see his son not being welcomed into the home.

also you are right not wanting him doing as you've said.

ground rules.. he lives with you, he has to get a job. House rules - not being up all night etc. being part of the family and contributing etc

Also where is he getting the money for pizzas? Is the money coming out of the family budget?