Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

All those people on this thread who say the OP absolutely should give this bloke a home seem to be ignoring the fact that his own mother has refused. If a mother refuses to house their own kid, it's probably worse than what's being made out.

So if those people think taking an adult they didn't give birth to in, who sounds like an utter smelly nightmare then I'm sure they're willing to offer this person a home themselves.

@gamerchick I think this is a good point. His mother is saying she doesn’t have room for him, which is odd considering OP has said the home she shares with DH has never been SS’s main home - so where did he live before uni ? I read it as mum having had enough of his behaviour and wanting to shift some of the responsibility onto his dad, which is fair enough. But with the proviso that it’s his dad who will tackle it, not OP. Which doesn’t seem to be the case.

Part of the agreement between the three of you needs to be that if he calls his dad when you tell him off, his dad will back you up.

I really would get it all in writing and all three of you sign it. Otherwise they can argue and wear you down over time and it will end up as bad as before. If it’s in writing you can say this is not what we agreed without having to explain every time why things are annoying you.

Yes I’m loving all the posters saying that the OP must take him in when his own mother refuses to deal with behaviour any more. Its almost as funny as “give him one more chance but set ground rules”.

The OP has already tried that having him to live at their house with ground rules. Not only did the DH enable the delinquent behaviour both by funding it and refusing to hold to any ground rules but if the OP tries to help then the young man is immediately on the phone to mummy and daddy to complain. That is manipulative. If the OP had a snowball’s chance in hell of the DH actually stopping his enablement of the behaviour we wouldn’t be having this thread.

Sometimes young (and old) people need a clear structured reset and I’m shocked at the number of people who think this young man should be left to cruise on in this state than actively supported with clear and enforced rules. (and GA if needed).

That works with people that are reasonable and who can be relied on to follow through with their responsibilities.

Does this young man sound like that to you?

What he sounds like to me is a young man aged 19 or 20, who almost certainly had a chaotic childhood with parents at loggerheads which culminated at some point in his father leaving home and replacing him with a ready made better family of sons just a little longer. Possibly he had to shuttle backwards and forwards between homes for a period.

He held things together brought to get the grades at school to go to university but once he had to live independently at university he fell apart, dropped out and his safe space of his mother tuned her back and said he could not come back home. Now his stepmother is saying he’s dirty and smelly and can’t come and live with his father in case he taints the boys his father replaced him with.

And we wonder why he’s demotivated with shit mental health!

Exactly. It's so sad.

It's his father's home 😔
Father should step up.

It’s not OP or her DC’s fault that her DSS parents split up when he was a child and it’s not their responsibility to accommodate his antisocial behaviour now he’s an adult. Wring your hands all you like but there are only downsides for OP’s kids and they have a right to a happy, peaceful, safe childhood. They don’t have anywhere else they can go.

My parents divorced when I was a child, I had no idea I could have used that as an excuse to be lazy and selfish and not stand on my own two feet as an adult.

@Katrinawaves you couldn't be more wrong !! My own father left home at 15 and worked until his late 70s I am sure he must have been depressed about this but depression wasn't a word used for not working in his day .

For what it's worth he had a very privileged upbringing , lived in lovely large houses and was always supported by both sets of parents . My own kids lost their family home when my husband left me and I slept on my mum's floor with three young kids for six weeks whilst my new house was being bought . Stepson stayed in his large family house in the country !!

He has a large house but now his mum can't keep him?

She's down sized to a beautiful scenic cottage half which is rented out. I think she's had enough of all the problems to be honest !

So what are you going to do OP?