Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

Are you getting fired or being made redundant, because the answer to that question makes a huge difference to how unreasonable anyone (especially your Wife) is in this scenario.

Why does she not do any drop offs? She must be a very bad parent by her own standards.

What does she do? Does she work? Why is this such a bad thing?

PS I should clarify that my sector and age are such that I realistically have 5 to 7 more years in the industry.
It is very rare for people older than that to remain in the industry: after that people usually join start ups, do consulting gigs, etc, and in most cases their incomes fall significantly.

What I mean by that is that I probably have potentially 5-7 years of high income ahead of me, after which my income will most likely fall.

I want to make the most of these years not to buy Rolexes and Ferraris, but to pay down as much as possible of the mortgage, to save money for the children's uni (or whatever they will want to do), etc.

Of course this doesn't mean I want to accept one of those roles where I work every single weekend and I'm always travelling.
But it also means that I don't want to take a huge paycut just to do the drop offs.

What I probably found most hurtful and offensive was the accusation that I don't want to push for flexibility in a new role (it's all hypothetical, no interviews on the horizon). I felt accused without trial of something which hasn't even happened yet.

I get it that it's hugely subjective and people's opinions will vary, but for me doing the drop off is important but not worth the financial security of the entire family.
For her it's the most important thing of all and money doesn't count - she thinks because I can always find another job, I think because she has no clue what our family budget even looks like

I haven't come across a woman like this for a very long time. Most women I know are pretty financially savvy but your wife doesn't even know how much groceries are.

I take it she works OP. How come she doesn't have a clue about her own money? Why are you being fired?

I imagine she's annoyed that you're talking about getting work with long hours or travel which means everything is dumped on her and she also works. She's saying that being a good dad and husband is more important than earning shed loads and she's prepared to downsize to achieve that.

She sounds very unreasonable. Is she always difficult or is this unusual?

All very weird. In your telling your wife sounds monstrous but I wonder if a big chunk of this tale is missing.

In your OP you say there is a risk you may be fired, now you’re saying you won’t be in a new lower paying job for 5-7 years? In which case why are you discussing a nanny in the mornings now? Why would you say breakfast club is full if you aren’t out of a job now?

@CheeseWisely
I realise now that I used being fired as equivalent to being made redundant.

If push comes to shove, I would most likely be made redundant. Financially there isn't a huge difference, though, because I understand my employer pays only slightly above the statutory minimum redundancy payment. I am not being fired for gross misconduct or anything like that, if that was the question. And there exists the chance they simply let me keep my job, that is also possible, I just don't know now.

@Mumofteenandtween @Wallywobbles She works full time.
A combination of shifts + commuting time means she cannot do the morning drop offs.

@MiloMinderbinder925 No, I am not considering jobs which involve lots of travel. My point is that some jobs would not have the flexibility to let me start a bit later in the morning and therefore to do the drop offs.

Does your wife work? Offer to take on maximum flexibility if she takes on the majority of the mortgage.

As a single mum, I am our only income. I'm 60 and know very well that maintaining a suitable income for the full term of the mortgage is a balancing act. You do the best you can.

Your wife is either silly and spoilt or is completely detached from reality.

Any decent parent does the best they can but you have to work out a rota between you, using bought in help where necessary. She has to learn to adapt.

Why are you suggesting getting a nanny now, when none of your apparently feared scenarios have actually occurred yet?

Tell her it's her turn to do all the drop offs, you've done your share, she can get a flexible job so she is available to do it. If it's so easy to get a well paid flexible job let her try. If you are the main earner it seems daft that you would have to take a big cut in income to fit in school runs if your wife could do it, or you can easily afford to pay someone else to do it.

Usually these things are the other way around with women complaining that they have to juggle school runs, work and home, and their husbands don't pull their weight.

@Sofiewoo I suppose I was unclear.

I am discussing the potential for a morning drop off nanny now because I am trying to think ahead.

On the 5-7 years thing:

It is very unlikely for people my age to remain employed in my sector for more than 5-7 years.

This means that, if all goes well, I realistically have no more than 5-7 years in my job or in a similar job elsewhere.

But that's a good case scenario. There is no guarantee that all goes well.
There is no guarantee that I won't lose my job before then, and no guarantee I will find a comparable job if I lose my current one.

@bigboykitty I am not suggesting getting a nanny NOW. As long as I keep this job and this flexibility I will of course continue to do the drop offs myself.
I started a conversation because I wanted to think ahead.
The conversation was not about a getting a drop off nanny now, but it was to think about one of the potential outcomes for the future

How much time do you get to spend with the kids? If your job involves working late so you don’t see them in the evening, then I could see an argument that outsourcing the morning isn’t great. But as long as you have a decent amount of time with the kids over the week, then do whatever child care works.

I don’t see the problem with a nanny doing morning drop off.

Of course yanbu. If wife cant magic up a job that allows her to do drop offs then surely she understands you may not always be able to either.

Financial stability would be a priority for me too and my dh.

Sounds like your wife does not know the reality of finances and has had an ott reaction rather than working together for a solution like a team. She has probably panicked at the concern of losing job, hopefully calms down soon. Either way you are not doing anything wrong.

ETA i would get their names down for breakfast club as drop off nanny may not be east to find.

I think you're being very sensible in trying to look ahead and talk about how you'd manage if you have to change jobs. I think maybe the key here is to keep talking?

Things are naturally going to change over the course of family life. I've been very fortunate to have only one day in the office and tonnes of flexibility for the last year but I had to change jobs as it was a toxic environment. From next month, I'll have to be in the office three days a week and this will require a lot of adjustment on both our parts. It also coincides with our son starting school. My husband is supportive of the change and luckily his work is less busy than it had been previously.

I don't think it matters hugely to kids who drops them off so I would look at this in the round. What are the financial pressures, what works best for your family. Ultimately if your wife values drop offs over everything rose and earns significantly less maybe she should go part time and do it?

@TheaBrandt1 I do the drop offs but she does more than me in the house.
So my reading is that she thinks : "I already do more than him, why should I also do the drop offs"
But I'm not asking her to do the drop offs. It's just that she would never outsource that task so she feels she has to take it on herself

@parietal I don't work late every single day,, and, when I do, I can often do it once the kids are asleep.
So all in all I currently have a very good balance, which I wouldn't be able to have at every other place.

Why isn't she looking for another job and hypothetically negotiating with this new employer for enough flexibility for her to do the drop offs? Honesty, it sounds like she doesn't respect or even like you, and she would be getting a pounding in this thread if the genders were reversed

You’re one family so, if you find yourself in a new and less flexible job, you both need to sit down and find a solution. But this hasn’t happened yet - for the moment I’d add your kids to the waitlist for breakfast club and make a list of a few CM/nanny options. Your wife could consider whether changes to her working pattern would free up (some) mornings. More importantly you two need to have a conversation - at the moment it sounds like you are carrying a lot of the financial and organisational stress of the household, and getting resentful of her lack of interest.

What would her reading of the situation be?

Don't borrow trouble. Worry about it if it happens.

but no, in general, of course it's fine to use a childminder to do drop-offs.

Perhaps, if you think this is likely, get on the wait list for breakfast club now.

‘… if the genders were reversed …’

Well, (a) I’d like to hear her side of the story, first hand; and (b) before such a magical reversal were possible there would need to be an understanding of why men on these posts always out-earn women ‘many times over’ who also work full-time?

You can’t just ‘reverse the genders’ in the midst of such glaring structural sex inequality.

Register for Breakfast club? There will be a waiting list and end of term soon.

I wouldn’t argue about and it and plough on with job hunting, it’s likely that a new role will mean some onboarding training/office time so you can’t expect same level of flexibility that you have from day 1 anyhow. I waited until my DC started secondary for that reason as I do Drop offs/pick up.

I think there are a few things here

1. Of course it’s fine to pay people to help with things you cannot do yourself

1. Your wife needs to learn about your financial situation as she’d be in real trouble if anything happened to you.

1. Maybe don’t project too many different scenarios just yet. See what actually happens and then figure it out. There are literally endless possibilities and there’s no way to really plan for everything - once you have actual options on the table, you can figure out the best solution.

@TheAutumnCrow
I am not going to post our P60s so anyone who doesn't want to believe me is welcome to do so.

The women in my field do not earn less than the men. The intake at graduate level is ca half and half between men and women.
I think one of the main reasons why the proportions become more skewed higher up the food chain is precisely the reluctance to give parents enough flexibility with childcare.

But in our case what drives our differences in income is the field more than the gender. Her male peers earn broadly the same as her.

But that's a separate discussion.