Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

OP I think you two are arguing over the wrong thing. This isn’t about a nanny.

I think you feel under pressure to provide and feel she isn’t supporting you in that. You will get a more satisfying response if you are clear on that rather than making it about a nanny. It’s hard to be vulnerable and say ‘I am worried I will lose my job.., I feel I won’t be able to provide…’

what you describe actually sounds like your family is in a good place. You both work and right now are doing well. We can’t predict the future or plan for all outcomes. You might have to learn to live with that uncertainty like many of us do. But clearer honest and open coms between you will help you navigate these stressful provider years.

Yeah, she can't be simultaneously thrifty and budget conscious and completely oblivious to household finances. It's nonsense.

I’ve now filtered by OP and read just those posts. You make me feel deeply uncomfortable OP. You have an answer for everything and all of them paint your DW as a lesser human.

something about this make me really, really uneasy.

One of the most important things to address is getting your wife involved in the finances, she can’t just be ignorant of how much things cost. We knew a couple where the wife had absolutely nothing to do with the finances and when her husband died suddenly she had no idea whatsoever about the mortgage, bills, car finance etc.

You may well be making her feel a bit insecure about your future as you seem to be looking so far ahead, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you need to sit and have a calm conversation about your situation.

Someone who drops your kids off at school isn't what I would call a 'nanny', lol.

Just ask Sharon from the cul de sac, she'd love some extra pocket money!

Like others before me I would strongly suggest putting their names down for breakfast and after school club - these can be great fun for the kids. Mine made new friends across year groups, took on new sports, crafts, group play etc and enjoyed it immensely. Downsizing or moving is a huge upheaval and seems such an over-reaction to a change in pick-up/drop off. I really can’t understand why drop-off can be considered more important - and to who?

She's budget conscious on the small things. She knows how much cheaper milk is at Aldi than Sainsbury. She spends little on herself. But has no clue about our mortgage, our outgoings, how much equity we have in the house, etc

So you're the one who organises all the insurance and utilities then? You do the weekly shop? Pick out the new washing machine? That's all you is it? She doesn't do any of it?

@ExhaustedFather I'm afraid you appear to be the target of a typical MN pile-on towards blokes who dare to post on here with a situation that doesn't paint a woman in the best light.
You could be a perfect saint and they will pick holes.
And no, you wouldn't be a bad parent to do/consider this. Thousands of other parents (women) have made the same decision to support their work commitments.
She's being precious and unnecessarily obstructive.

If she does the food shopping and keeps it to a low amount she clearly does have an idea of budgeting and household finances.

The equity thing is a bit of a red herring, no one truly knows how much equity they have because no one truly knows what a property would sell for until it does.

Does she need to know the mortgage rate? I mean it takes two seconds to tell her, you have implied you need to go into this whole backstory to “inform her”.

Yanbu, but relationship sounds a bit toxic. Did she really start accusing you?

You're getting a very hard time here.

Probably best to keep going with the job hunt and find a childminder in case you can't get flexibility.

I don’t really get this. Of course a dropping off nanny would be absolutely fine. Most important is that kids have a good routine. Not an issue. Not worth all this angst.

What do you both do for pick ups/after school? Does DW do it or do you already have childcare in place?

I never understand relationships like this. As husband and wife you are meant to be a team. That means you face the world and all it throws at you together. You find solutions (from those available to you) together. If looking at two job options you weigh up considerations like salary, flexibility, opportunity for progression etc, together. It’s all a moot point at the moment anyway as you may or may not lose your current job and you may or may not find another one with it without flexibility.

I think the comments about not valuing family or being a good parent on the face of it sound unfair and manipulative. It can be the case that people who don't do the school run can be a bit romantic and judgy about it and doing it every day plus school events etc is different and a big responsibility and bind. Breakfast club bookings will open up soon. I would pick a day and book in as they open regardless of work to give it a try. A lot of kids love club and it is a good life lesson. Much depends on how many kids, how young and how many primary years are left. Is there a secondary option with a bus?

@ExhaustedFather if you do end up being made redundant, if you then find a similarly high paying job with less flexibility, if she is so bothered, could she not change jobs so she can do the drop-offs? I don’t think there is an issue with a drop-off nanny, you don’t, but she does. So she might have to be more flexible herself if she is that insistent that the kids are dropped by either of you. She can’t veto a job you find because you will no longer be able to do school runs … it’s not as if you are forcing changes on her.

I’m guessing you are a City lawyer or similar and you have a long history of being unavailable for child/home related stuff due to your job always coming first. This may have changed in recent years (post Covid/remote working improvements) but due to the history your wife is still very sensitive to any suggestion that your work hours are going to lengthen and your family time reduce again. Hence blowing up.

I also bet you have no idea how hard it is to find someone who will cover just the morning drop offs.

She may also have a very legitimate different view as to how much money you need. She may not know your mortgage rate but I bet she knows that the vast majority of families in the UK live off a much lower income than yours.

If this is inaccurate I apologise, I may be projecting 😬😆

But what is the alternative? That the OP doesn't work at all? He's not suggesting he spends the morning doing a MN hobby, or changes his hours where there's an option to not do that and continue with the current situation.

Obviously its all hypothetical though - but I do think there's no harm in considering what your options will be should the situation arise. But I do think you're being a bit previous OP. Wait until you actually do lose your job, and then find a new job before you start worrying about this.

What happens in school holidays - reading some more of your posts, could it be that she feels like you're just trying to offload a task that you only do in term-time anyway?

It seems like an extreme reaction to the suggestion of what is basically just an external breakfast club unless there is something else going on.

The crux of your question is whether it's acceptable to use childcare for drop off.

The answer to that is no and I'm surprised at the hard time you're being given here due to people going off on tangents.

My husband and I will be using childcare for this too (nanny or childminder). In an ideal world I'd absolutely do it myself, but the reality is that whilst my husband and I have a degree of flexibility in our jobs, it isn't enough.

We can swear as much as we like here.

I've got to here, and I still can't work out what this job is, where you earn a fortune, have massive flexibility but only lasts 5-7 years....

What is it you do?

I wonder what she'd say if she was writing. I have a similar dynamic with my husband I think. He has a "big job", earning 10x what I do (didn't start off that way, but children). He does the drop-offs, because I work early. He also manages the finances, including the mountains of mysterious shares we have swishing around. I'd love to understand them but frankly I don't. I have enough info in case he's hit by a bus, but otherwise the details of US share trading, when to transfer what where to avoid CGT etc - I'm not on top of it.

I do:
All pickups
All holidays, including booking things, setting alarms for clubs that sell out two minutes after they open etc - he has no idea. I tell him where to go and when.
All illness cover
All food and other purchases - clothes, shoes, uniform, gifts
All the diary management type stuff, who needs to be where when and with what.

And work, PT. And earn what in other circs would actually be a decent household income on its own. And like your wife I also tend to budget quite strictly and do our shop at x instead of y, because paying significantly more for a weekly shop feels like a waste if I can reasonably avoid it. (My husband spends £15 a day on lunch plus coffee etc etc unless I arrange an alternative for him, but since it comes out of his personal budget it's for him to manage.)

I don't know your dynamic but I wonder. Is it that she is doing so much other stuff that the possibility of you dropping one of the few household things you do is threatening to tip her over the edge?

I don't think she's covered herself in glory but as I said earlier - you're a team. Something's going wrong between you at the moment.

In something like City law or tech it is very usual for senior people to have flexibility and control over their diaries, and also for most to be pushed out by their mid-50s.

That is possibly the most insightful reply so far - thank you very much.
Yes, I think that a lot of what you wrote may apply to my case.

She feels like I will be adding to her burden.
I feel hugely offended because she seems to think that I will not even try to get flexibility (I will, but I'm not sure about the chances of success) so I feel accused of something which hasn't happened.

Of course you can.
But if a poster replies so aggressively, practically implying that I am lying, I am. Left wondering why the default assumption seems to be that. Surely that poster isn't prejudiced and hasn't a priori decided that a man posting here is always to blame, right?

What is so far fetched in the notion that a high paying career may be at risk and that finding a similar, comparable job may not be straightforward??

Like I said, just googling the name of my employer for recent news would confirm the risks I mentioned.

Anyone who doesn't want to believe me until I give them full proof is welcome to do so, I couldn't care less.