Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

Are you are in tech and working for one of the top tier companies? If so, I see what you mean about redundancies and 5-7 years left in the industry. Its horrible now isn't it? You both sound so stressed about your work. I can totally relate.
Look, I can't know what are you both going through but I saw similar situations. Sometimes tech high earners are not the easiest people to be around.
Was your wife always not interested in your finances or did you insisted she doesn't need to worry about anything for years? How many of your family decisions are made because of your career? Do you talk about layoffs, stocks and isa all the time? Do you live in your native country or did you relocate because of your career?
Tech is a curse and a blessing these days. So toxic. Sometimes I doubt my career choice because of it.

Why would you need to move to something with no mortgage in order to downsize when you’ve said you have a massive mortgage currently?
You seem to be arguing with any of her suggestions and making it sound ludicrous and your way is the only way, but your view is so extreme.
She knows her income, she knows yours which is apparently so many times higher than hers so unless she’s beyond stupid I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of working out your joint income puts you as a high income household and you absolutely have the ability to reduce your outgoings.

I personally think posters like this OP should be banned from Mumsnet. They just bring out all the pondlife MRA posters as well. Not worth arguing with. It's not what the platform is for. I appreciate others have also reported.

I agree with OP. Don’t know many couples who don’t share financial information between them. Not a safe option, I had a friend who took nothing to do with financial outgoings, partner was also a high earner. All was fine till they split and she didn’t have a clue her car was a lease, her mortgage was extremely high and bills in the large house were extortionate.
Dont understand a partner not wanting to be more informed.

No, you’re not a bad parent to suggest a registered childminder, nanny or breakfast club. Especially if you’ve done all you can to find a flexible job and can’t get one and/or have requested flexible working once in a new job. Thousands of parents use childcare and are certainly not bad parents for doing so. That’s insulting.

Sounds like you approached it in a reasonable way.

Professional childcare providers aren’t ‘strangers’ once children have settled in with them. You can meet lots, ask for recommendations, and choose who you prefer. My kids loved their childminders and vice versa. They enriched their lives and they’ve kept in touch for years.

It sounds like your views on how you cover childcare aren’t the same. What matters most? Looking after your own children or earnings? Also, how old are the kids? Will they soon be teenagers who can lock up and set off to school on their own?

Both parents are equally responsible for childcare. Mothers have had to push for flexible working to cover childcare for decades, often to the detriment of earnings, career prospects and/pensions. We’ll only address the gender pay gap if fathers fight for this too. You may have to fight for this in a new job. A good employer should offer parents flexible working, if requested.

Both of you should take equal responsibility for keeping your family finances under review. You may lead on finances, as a division of household tasks, but you should both assess finances together at least annually. I agree, your DW should have a top level understanding of this or it makes her financially vulnerable.

Oh my God... Another person reports me. You mention MRA...

Have I been rude? Have I been aggressive? Have I been vulgar? Have I mentioned men's rights in any way?

I simply mentioned a disagreement.

Posters here swear at me. They accuse me of absolutely absurd falsehood which I have never said nor thought nor implied. They do not apologise but attack me some more.

And I get reported?

It is one thing to disagree, but this is textbook toxicity. I had no idea mumsnet was 4chan for women. Now I know.

I have learnt my lesson. A man cannot mention a disagreement with a woman here.

And this isn't just my opinion. Multiple (presumably female) posters mentioned the same.

So you DID, after all, come for head-pats and a mass of obedient women chorusing in dulcet tones that yes, of course you are 100% right and your wife is completely unreasonable and silly.

But oh no, your fragile ego can't hand the rough and tumble of MumsNet, and now you're bristling with silly offence. 🙄

You can't see the wood for the trees because of your ego. No wonder your wife got angry.

Please do flounce off in a huff.

I did not. Did you even read my message before replying?

Do you think it is normal for other posters to swear at me, to accuse me of bonkers falsehoods I had never said nor implied, to then refuse to apologise but double down on the baseless accusations, to report me (for what? What would I have violated? People swear at me and I get reported?)

The stuff above is the textbook definition of a toxic echo chamber.

I call out toxic behaviour... and you accuse me of wanting obedient women? You suffer from huge cognitive dissonance.

Are you incapable of conceiving civil disagreement without resorting to the toxic behaviour above? Really? Really?

Look, if the forum doesn't want posts from men that's of course your prerogative.
But please be clear in the rules. Say posts from men are not allowed. Be transparent.

But do not try to normalise and justify needlessly toxic, bullying behaviour. Otherwise you are no better than the various 4chan, reddit incel forum, and all the other toxic cesspits of which the Internet is full

If it's such a toxic echo chamber, go somewhere else. I don't know why you'd post here in the first place if you were so sure it's full of man haters who apparently can't read? (Unless of course you were looking for another excuse to tell some women off?(other than your DW))

No one swore at you, for god sake how fragile are you if this is how you over react because someone uses the word “fuck” in a normal turn of phrase?

The odd poster might have been rude. That's how Mumsnet works. You're free to report them and should

@ExhaustedFather

Oh come on ! even your user name is designed to pull at the heart strings !!!

and from what I read - you take your children to nursery / school. yes full stop.
and then you have the fun times too i.e. school plays.

You have not yet lost your job,

school ends in 6 weeks or less ?
Year 6 will be leaving so get your children's names down on the waiting list for Breakfast Club. It is easy to turn down a place if no longer needed.

And you have done a lot of criticising your wife...

If you think some PPs were toxic or bullying, you can report them.

But I've read pretty much all posts on this thread and nothing struck me as being particularly rough.

In fact, I thought most of the PPs were trying to be helpful, and the discourse has been pretty tame considering you came with a disrespectful attitude to your wife, became combative and rude to PPs, and are now throwing a massive hissy fit and trying to police our tone.

I see why your wife "went ballistic". You need to grow up.