Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

If it's any consolation to your wife, I was a nanny for many years for a family and did drop off (and collection), I am far from a stranger to those kids, they are now adults and we are still close.

It all sounds a bit hypothetical just now. Of course you should be planning for various scenarios just now even if you don’t know exactly what’s going to happen. But does that sort of childcare even exist? I used Nannies for 6 years and my nanny knew all the other Nannie’s on the school run etc and I didn’t know of one “drop off nanny”. Who would take a job for, say, 1-2 hours per day and an unsociable 2 hours at that? No-one can live on that wage and it would stop them getting a full time job elsewhere. Maybe put your name down for a local childminder or two and wait list for the breakfast club and then if you don’t need it you don’t use it

She doesn’t sound supportive. You both seem stressed by the potential change and she seems resentful for some reason that doesn’t seem clear from your post.
If you generally communicate well I’d wait to see what happens with current role then sit down with all finances and have a full discussion. She seems unrealistic about potential options. Saying you can downsize is an easy throwaway thing for her to come out with but let her think it through practically and realises for herself what that would look like for your future.
Maybe her resentment comes from the fact you earn so much more when she also works full time but she can’t have it all ways. You’re carrying an additional load of uncertainty and pressure in your career so she should be more understanding.

a) don’t get into lots of “what if”
detailed scenarios now. If and when things change, you will be able to make things work.

b) your wife needs to understand the budget, mortgage, salaries etc.

c) it sounds like your only domestic contribution is drop offs and finance. Perhaps she’s raging because you don’t cook or shop or clean or wash clothes or empty the dishwasher or mow the lawn or do medical appointments or buy the kids clothes or manage parties and children’s / relatives birthdays and seeing relatives or sort holidays and days out and extra curricular activities and your focus is now dropping your one child / domestic related chore. And I get that finance takes ages but if she doesn’t understand or see what you’re doing she doesn’t know.

It seems like a relationship where you’re working separately on your areas and neither of you appreciate how much hard work goes into the other side. Perhaps use this as a reset to both get a grip on how your whole household runs.

It doesn’t sound on the face of it like you’re being unreasonable but there’s a reason why she’s got so upset and it’s probably worth asking her about it (in a genuinely curious, interested, not argumentative way). Tbh though, if you’ve not actually lost your job yet it sounds like you’re borrowing trouble. The time to think about it is surely if and when it happens? I can’t see their opening hours point in adding to everyone’s stress by trying to second guess multiple scenarios. At some point though I think it would be sensible for you both to sit down with a spreadsheet/back of a fag packet to go through the broad family finances so you both understand what’s coming in, going out and have an agreed savings plan for future expenses . Just trying to get you both pulling together really. But it has to be with an attitude of partnership, not bullying or bossy cos you think she’s being an idiot. That would make it worse!

It's a stereotype that women always earn less than men, in my profession I always earned the same as men doing the same job. It's true that often women have less well paid jobs due to not getting as many qualifications as men and career breaks which mean they drop behind in experience.

I’ve made a comment above but also massively agree with this poster

It was very unfair of your wife to react the way she did. It’s a hypothetical. Of course if commitments change then logistics change.

It sounds like OP works and does drop offs but the wife works and does everything else in the week, is that right OP?
Because you’ve repeatedly mentioned how much flexibility you have but you don’t mention collecting the kids in the afternoon, taking them to the park after school or making dinner etc. it’s just drop off, drop off, drop off.
If so I can understand it may come across badly to her for you to constantly be projecting to some weird worst case scenario where you lose your job and your constant mentions that in future you might not always do drop offs.
What age are your children? How much drop offs are even needed in the coming years?

Such a weird thing to kick off about. Thousands of kids up and down the country are taken to work by taxi drivers and chaperone (council funded due to neurodivergance/ disability etc) why would anyone be annoyed at someone taking their kids to school. Your wife is being silly if what you have written here is the full tale.

If it is pretty standard for your “shelf life” in your industry to expire in 5-7 years wouldn’t it be a good idea to think about retraining rather than fatalistically anticipating an income drop?

If it does turn out that you won’t be able to drop your children off at school and need a nanny to do that will that be such a problem when they are5-7 years older? If there were any problems with the nanny they would be old enough to tell you

@ExhaustedFather if she thinks it is so important that a parent does drop offs, then why does she not do it??

On domestic contributions : my wife does more but drop offs are not the only things I do.

I am reluctant to get into specific details because I don't want to dox myself, because there will always be people who say hat whatever I do is not enough, but mostly because that's not the point, I said from the beginning that I agree she does more.

I do most weekend activities, most school activities, everything to do with homework and test preparation. Laundry I probably do 3/4 of the time. Cooking she does more. Doctor appointments and parties is mostly me. We have a cleaner but my wife is tidier than me, no doubt.

I would look for a job first and then see what complications come with it, no point in worrying about something that might not happen.

I don't think school drop offs are expensive are they? Your wife is being unreasonable though.

Context is everything here. Has she previously expressed frustration about you not doing enough? I can see that, if she’s doing everything else and you’re only doing the drop offs, it might have been the last straw for you to suggest getting a nanny to do them instead.

Jobs change, children get older, routines have to change with both. If your job changes, then you have to adapt your childcare around it. That's just life for everyone.

I suspect that your wife just doesn't like the thought of change, but the reality is, life happens. You're both lucky that you've managed the drop offs until now.

Surely in 5-7 years time the child / children would be in secondary school - so i am not sure why you are bringing up this issue now.

I am reluctant to get into specific details because I don't want to dox myself

Oh come on.

Retraining does not avoid the income drop. It may soften the blow but wouldn't avoid it.

I have done my homework and spoken to plenty of people who have gone through it.

Avoiding the income drop is not impossible but is hard and unlikely.

@Addictforanex I was going to say same thing! It’s hard even finding a childminder to do drop offs/pick ups, I gave up and use after school club

Of course getting someone to drop off or pick up kids from school is not unreasonable. Thousands of families do it. Get their names on the breakfast club waiting list now.

Sorry you're getting grief here. You sound like you're doing your fair share.

How, exactly, when he literally says she does more?

Explain to her that all the fun and expensive stuff is over if you don't work and then find that nanny.

Yes. Indeed the problem is now, not in 5 years.
I may have been unclear:
The problem is if I lose my job now, that the kids are still in primary school.

The comment about jobs in my sector having a shelf life of 5-7 more years was a different point : to the extent possible, I would like to avoid a big income drop in the here and now, because I already know that an income drop in 5-7 years is very very likely.

This means I have the next 5ish years to save as much as possible to repay the mortgage, contribute more to pensions, save for our children etc.