Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

@MiloMinderbinder925 Then inform her.
It's a bit hard to inform those who do not want to be informed.
We once got into an argument because I tried to explain how interest rate movements would have affected our mortgage, and my point was that I was happy to take care of it all myself, but she needed to know the basics just in case I get hit by a bus. She didn't want to know and said she'd worry about it if I ever get hit by a bus.

@Digdongdoo
Why you jump straight to a nanny, before you're made redundant and before there's even a new job in the running? Why wouldn't you at least try and get the same level of flexibility? Why wont you even consider a smaller house so you can still do drop-offs with a lesser job? Why does your job have an 5-7 year expiration date?

I am not jumping into it now.

Of course I will try to get the same level of flexibility - I said it at the very beginning - but it may not be up to me. Why jump to the conclusion that I refuse the choice of flexibility? Why not listed / believe that it may not be up to me? On this you are reacting just like my wife.

On why my job has an expiration date: ageism is more common than you seem to think. I cannot fully explain what doesn't depend on me, but I can observe it. It probably has a lot to do with thinking that 50 year olds are harder to boss around

Do you feel uncomfortable when you read about women "slagging off" men or are you applying double standards here?
If I had made a gender-neutral post, without revealing if I was the man or the woman, or if we were in a same-sex relationship, would you have reacted differently?

Also, just a wider thought. If you do need to make decisions about a new role then the impact on your family and finances are obviously important. But it’s also ok for you to think through which job you want to do as well, (and any limitations that might bring). Your own fulfilment and ambitions should be part of the mix - and the same for your DW as well. Taking a job you hate only to accommodate everyone else will lead to resentment all ‘round.

@OpenWindow60 And asking for that kind of arrangement at interview, for a well paying job would be extremely unwise.

Exactly!!

@Funnyduck60 Tbh I don't know how you are managing so much flexibility at your level anyway

Because I have been lucky enough to be in a position where I can catch up on a lot of the work after the kids go to bed, and because I have a track record of many years showing that I still deliver even if I do the drop offs.

In an ideal world, mot jobs should be like this, most managers should look at results and not face time, etc. But we do not live in an ideal world.

@ExhaustedFather

It's a bit hard to inform those who do not want to be informed.
We once got into an argument because I tried to explain how interest rate movements would have affected our mortgage, and my point was that I was happy to take care of it all myself, but she needed to know the basics just in case I get hit by a bus. She didn't want to know and said she'd worry about it if I ever get hit by a bus.

You don't need to inform her of the minutae OP. Sit down in front of an Excel spreadsheet showing all incomings and outgoings. Discuss cost cutting including downsizing, and work out a compromise.

Mate, chill your knackers.

I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time here OP.

Your situation is common and understandable.

I completely get that you have a remaining "window" in which to earn well, and of course you want to maintain that as much as possible.

As I said below, the type of flexibility you have been fortunate to have is hard to come by.

Even in sales jobs which come with a degree of flexibility , you would be expected to be well on the road by school time.

And no interviewer will be impressed by requests for flexible working at interview.

Even if the job would allow for it, asking for it at interview is very unwise.

I've had to look at this in my relationship op, so just sharing it with you

You want her to share some of the financial responsibility, but then there's a reason you're with someone who hasn't taken any interest. Rather than being cross at her for this, (it won't work) you have to look at how that pattern came about to begin with. In some way it was working for you, perhaps it isn't anymore and you're tired. Either way you have to own your bit. I know it's exhausting, but blaming doesn't work.

I don't necessarily want her to share financial responsibility. It would be nice to be able to talk about the household budget occasionally, but I accept she wants to delegate everything to me. And we just sleepwalked into this, I didn't have any idea she'd be like this.

My point is not that I want her to change.
It's that she cannot make informed comments about the family budget if she decides to know nothing about it.

BTW I think hers is a dangerous attitude that exposes a person to potential exploration by the partner. I wouldn't want our children to behave like this. But that's a separate matter

Well you did ask OP, and no doubt you did also, if you know anything about mumsnet, know that you were likely to often end up the villain here.

I don’t actually think that this is a problem that can be solved on here, I take it that you generally get along well together, so the simple answer to me is to have an adult conversation with your wife. Sit down together and make an informed decision on exactly where your finances stand. It would be helpful to say to her that you will at least try to get flexible hours, although the reality is that you probably won’t. I think you maybe took her by surprise when you said about the school run and she felt it would be a burden on her.

Your life sounds very money driven, both working in spite of your high earnings, maybe it’s time for you to downsize, reduce outgoings and lift the financial burden from you both. I don’t know, you sound angry, are you both happy, something just sounds as if you’re not a happy family, I could be wrong!

If you were to discuss expenses with her, would you listen to her opinions? Or would you shut her down, like you have with downsizing? Does she delegate, or does she opt out because you overrule her anyway?

"maybe it’s time for you to downsize"

This isn't necessarily the panacea some folks think it is.

For most families. both still need to work.

And for most full-time jobs, drop offs just aren't an option.

I think you just dropped a bombshell and she is stressed or whatever and responded in reasonably -start again at a quiet time thinking through the options together.

Based on what you’ve written, I actually agree with you. However, you’re male so you may as well have just admitted to sleeping with your wife’s sister - people here will never side with you.

If the wife earns more than national average, and her salary is apparently a small fraction of his, they obviously have choices. He could work part time for example. That he won't even consider or discuss it, doesn't make it impossible.

I overrule her?

There is a huge misunderstanding. Not usre if because ai was unclear or if because you are the typical mumsnetter for whom the man is always to blame.

Every time I asked her for her opinion on matters of budget and finances, she always said that I should take care of it and she doesn't want to be involved.

I didn't overrule her on downsizing.
I said hers was not an informed comment, which is different.

She doesn't even know how much equity we have in our house!! If we had enough equity to allow us to sell, downsize with no mortgage and have money to spare, OK, but that's not our situation.

Op if you need to use a childminders to get the kids to school, that's what you do.

MN has this weird attitude that all employers are happy to bend over backwards for parents and have people 'flexible' working. Coming in late and doing Mid afternoon pickups.

Realistically employers who work office hours want people available during office hours.
They might agree to flexible working for existing employees because it's easier than recruiting but it's a PITA that can often go against people as you've found out.
They won't say we've picked you for the axe because of flexible working, but they can come up with other reasons, as to why the axe fell for you and not Bob who's kids are older. More experienced, better prospects, stuff that's woolly and hard to argue with.

Was she very beautiful when you married her? I can't think why you're with an airhead like that.

When you ask for her opinion would you listen if she gave it? When she mentioned downsizing, did you discuss it with her? A quick run through of numbers? Or did you just say no, you are uninformed? How did the conversation go? Because it does sound like you just shut her down.

This.

Maybe she's paranoid a childminder or nanny might harm the kids somehow? She doesn't sound ok in the head. Severe anxiety or something?

My point is not that I want her to change.
It's that she cannot make informed comments about the family budget if she decides to know nothing about it.

But you have also said in a previous post she’s very budget conscious?

OP, obviously a drop off nanny wouldn't make you a bad parent. It's so obvious in fact that I don't know why you're I'm even asking?

However, there is one aspect of your set up that might potentially make you and your wife less-than-ideal parents. What would happen if you were hit by a bus and died tomorrow? Would you wife have a clue about taking over the financial reins?

It's ok for each to play to your strengths, but it sounds like your wife would be completely helpless if anything happened to you. What would happen to your children then?

@ExhaustedFather

I suggest that you start by overpaying your mortgage and setting up a savings account. Cut out the holidays. Because the high salary is finite get your ducks in a row NOW!!

Otherwise reading your comments you're not a planner either.

This is such a weird OP. It’s like you’ve gone through loads of previous posts and tried to answer every query in advance. Even the style of writing is weird.

it sounds like she values your time with the DC more than your (many multiples of hers) income even suggesting a smaller house to compensate (so she must have some idea of finances)

is your job stressful (most jobs with multiple income of spouse salaries are)? Perhaps she wants you to earn less and be less stressed?

it seems you are going out of your way to make her the unreasonable partner. Could you talk to her in a way that isn’t argumentative to problem solve together?