Would a drop-off nanny make me a bad parent? Huge argument with wife

[ExhaustedFather]

One of the big advantages of my current job is that I get more flexibility than most, so I do all the school drop offs, and I can almost always attend all the school events, sports days, school plays, etc.

Unfortunately my job is at risk and there is the risk that I may be fired.
Many other jobs in my sector would have less flexibility.

I approached the matter with my wife.
I explained the possibility of ending up in a less flexible job.
I clarified that I would of course do all I can to retain flexibility and to continue doing the drop offs, but there's the chance I may be unable, in which case I would like to consider a childminder or nanny for the drop offs (breakfast club is full).

She went ballistic.
She started accusing me that I don't even want to try to ask for flexibility in a new job, that I'm a bad parent for even considering letting a stranger do the drop offs, that she's incredibly disappointed in me, that we have different priorities, that family is her priority but not mine, etc.

I was honestly left speechless.

I gave her numerous examples of people we know who took a very long time to find another job, or who use grandparents and childminders for the drop offs, and her only reply was: "but then why can such and such do it"

She then accused me that I am greedy because I don't want a lower-paying job with more flexibility, and that we could also live in a smaller house. (My income is multiple times hers)

I told her she was being unfair, offensive and out of touch.

She seems to think that, at the touch of a button, I could choose any job I want with any combination I want of pay and flexibility. It's not like that at all.

It doesn't help that she has chosen to delegate all things financial to me. No, I don't mind, yes she does a lot of other things, but this means she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries, how we much spent last year on holiday, when we have to renegotiate the mortgage and if it will be a higher or lower amount, etc.
No, I don't hide anything from her, it's all in a joint account she never checks.

My point is that she's not in the position to make informed comments on how much we spend, what we could cut back on, and what salary we would therefore need.

She seems to have this idealistic, out of touch idea that money is never important and that I can always find a job that lets me drop the kids off and pay the bills.

Am I such a bad parent for even considering a drop off nanny?
Should I have approached the matter differently?

Why is your industry/profession so ageist?

Or is it simply that you’re 60 and will have to retire? It happens in academia (but we’re all burned out by 55 anyway).

She sounds very spoiled and out of touch with reality. Of course if you need a job (especially when you’re the main earner) you need to take what you can within reason. Unless she’s going to magic up some huge pay rise.

Do be aware though that school drop off nannies/childminders aren’t always that easy to come across, as obviously people want more than just an hour or two of work. You will be able to find one eventually, but they’re just not always that easy to find. (Maybe some areas are different).

My dd1 did as a student. The kids were on her way to university so she popped in and sorted them. Nice job according to her.

If she’s so concerned about a parent doing drop offs, why doesn’t she magically find flexibility in her own job (just as she expects you to do) and do them herself?

There is an element of that. I don't do only the drop offs but she does more.

This doesn't change the fact that it's unreasonable to think it will be easy for me to find a job with the perfect balance of flexibility and income.

It doesn't change the fact that saying "oh but Tom and Peter manage" is meaningless and clueless.

It doesn't change the fact that it's unfair to accuse me of something which hasn't happened. She has already decided that I will not push for flexibility because I am a bad parent FFS.

And let's leave aside the great emotional support at a time of great stress for my job.

I disagree with posters saying the wife sounds spoiled, she has clearly said she’d be happy to downsize.

She is doing most of the work at home and growing resentment has most likely led to this blow-up when OP tells her he is considering taking a job where he will need to outsource drop offs.

Ideally OP will figure out how to get on the same page as his wife in terms of their family values and priorities rather than portraying her to us as a spoiled, ignorant, low-earning woman. Wife clearly doesn’t feel like he is putting her and the kids first. OPs posts are very repetitive about earning potential and career, so does sound like that is his focus.

Of course you’re not being a ‘bad’ parent by considering what your childcare options are if you lose your current job.

it sounds like she might have resentment about wider issues though so perhaps try and find out why her default response is to criticise you.

This is why your wife talked about downsizing, because you talked about doing longer hours and having less flexibility. She suggested buying a cheaper house and cutting costs so that she's not abandoned.

You've concluded that she's financially incompetent and doesn't know how much milk costs because you want to do what you want with no consideration for her.

It's all academic because you haven't even been offered this new job. You need to learn to compromise.

This reminds me of one of those hobby threads, where the poster will NOT reveal the hobby of her partner. OP, what is this work that dries up after 5-7 years. Is it very physical? In terms of drop offs, absolutely fine to hire someone to do them. Reassure your wife that you’ll pick up on other duties IF this hypothetical scenario ever came to pass.

NB I gave up my dream job, to freelance, while the kids were little to “be there” for them, i.e. I completely prioritised them, and even I don’t have a problem with what you’re suggesting!

It makes me feel very uncomfortable to see posters slagging off a woman who isn’t here to defend herself, doesn’t know she’s being talked about online, and who may now inadvertently end up in the tabloids as click-bait.

’Mumsnet divided as man posts about his wife’s reluctance to take children to school.’

’Women took to social media in their droves to criticise the wife of a high-earning man for making him feel like a bad parent ….’

Yes. Indeed the problem is now, not in 5 years.
I may have been unclear:
The problem is if I lose my job now, that the kids are still in primary school.

You still haven’t explained why you’re so concerned about losing the job you’re currently in? Why would you be getting fired?

Based on the info shared your wife is being unreasonable. You need to sit down and have honest, frank discussions about your income, expenditures and future goals. On the face of it her reaction to a hypothetical situation which wouldn’t appear to add more work to her load is strange and extreme. Is there something else going on? Is it the way you introduced the topic? Assuming you did so in a respectful way I think she is being unreasonable. The sort of discussion you’ve tried to initiate is normal in any relationship.

If my husband kept talking about losing his job being imminent but couldn’t give any real reason I would be wondering what the fuck he is hiding.

Your wife is being silly, and completely unrealistic.

Jobs offering that kind of flexibility are hard to come by, and that flexibility usually comes after years in the company, when competency and trust have been established.

And asking for that kind of arrangement at interview, for a well paying job would be extremely unwise.

Why you jump straight to a nanny, before you're made redundant and before there's even a new job in the running? Why wouldn't you at least try and get the same level of flexibility? Why wont you even consider a smaller house so you can still do drop-offs with a lesser job? Why does your job have an 5-7 year expiration date?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress
Your comments are unfair and unfounded.

Yes, she said she'd be happy to downsize, but hers is not an informed comment.

Like I said, she chooses to know nothing about family finances.
It would be different if she had said: we have this much equity, I earn X, if you earn Y we can afford this in that area. No! She just has a very generic idealised notion that we can lie with less. Sure we can, but she hasn't thought it through.

Downsize by how much? Move how much farther from current school? Wouldn't that make logistics worse? Change school? Which one? Etc

rather than portraying her to us as a spoiled, ignorant, low-earning woman
????

She earns above the national average but earns a fraction of what I make. That is a cold hard fact - nothing to interpret opine or portray here.

Spoiled and ignorant?
I never said that!! Please don't put words in my mouth and accuse me of such falsehoods!
She is in fact very thrifty. She spends very little on herself and is very budget conscious. But she chooses not be involved in the slightest in family finance.

@MiloMinderbinder925 You've concluded that she's financially incompetent and doesn't know how much milk costs

?? I have not concluded anything. By her own admission, she never checks our joint account and wants me to keep track of all outgoings. By her own admission, she has no clue what our mortgage rate is, how mortgage rates have changed and what the impact will be when we have to renegotiate.
It's all pretty factual, really.
And I say this because someone who isn't on top of all this cannot make informed comments on how much the family would need, where the family can cut expenses, etc.

She's bring incredibly unreasonable. Just cross the bridge when you come to it and in the meantime start setting budgets according to a lower salary. Get her to sit down with you once a month and go through your household and personal spending. You can put away any money saved. Tbh I don't know how you are managing so much flexibility at your level anyway.

Why does she need to have a full downsize plan before there's even a redundancy or new job on the table? How silly. Why wouldn't you even consider exploring it together? She'd obviously prefer a better work/life balance than money, so discuss it with her. If you're such a high earner, a downsize would obviously be possible.

Because of things like internal reorganisation and top management being reshuffled around.
I am not going to share the name of the employer but let's just say it is possible that I may lose my job or that they might change my job (to a different team with a different manager) so that I may lose my current flexibility.

Morning drop offs are usually easier for full time working parents than evenings but here the wife cannot do the morning ones and works full time. We both worked full time when children were small and had a very expensive daily nanny although with 3 children under 4 at one point it was cheaper then and would be today than 3 full time nursery places. I have children with children who use childcare too so am pretty up to date on it.

Ignoring the weird issue the wife here knows nothing about the finances (I was our higher earner and we both knew everything so that was my norm; I am a lawyer), yes of course morning drop offs by a third party would be fine.
It can be the hardest time to find childcare however. we had someone doing 3pm to 6pm each day at once point for the twins (the youngest) and even that was not easy to find - she did a few days a week in school holidays full time too. Most people have rent to pay so want full time nanny jobs -eg it might be £36k net for a daily nanny full time in London which almost doubles when employer NI, employee tax, employee NI and employer and employee compulsory pension are added on - ie £30k from each parents' full time wage. However hopefully with school age children you can just advertise and find someone nice and local who will do it for say £15 an hour but they might want more than an hour's work at 7.30am. So perhaps it could be combined with a bit of cleaning at home to make it more like 2 or 3 hours a day.

Or may be a local childminder could add these children to her round.

@ExhaustedFather

she literally has no clue how much our mortgage is, how much we spend every month on groceries

You've concluded that she's financially incompetent if she doesn't even know how much groceries are.

The way forward is to have a conversation where you discuss finances and work out a compromise.

And I say this because someone who isn't on top of all this cannot make informed comments on how much the family would need, where the family can cut expenses

Then inform her.

Why swear and why be so aggressive? A simple google news search on the name of my employer (which, no, I'm not going to share) would confirm that I am not making things up. I did get into details with my wife, details which I am not going to share here.

We took the DC to a childminder who gave them breakfast and took them to primary school. The arrangement worked really well. My DH worked long hours and rarely saw the kids in the week until they were old enough for later bedtimes. None of this has caused any problems, the DC have a good relationship with their DF, they remember their childminder fondly, families have to adapt to changing circumstances. From the info I've seen, your DW is BU.

OP I would actually appreciate a conversation like you’re suggesting, with both parents taking a long hard look at what the options / alternatives are. I think this is really healthy.

Then, if you need to start looking for a new job, you have an agreed set of parameters between to work with, salary and flexibility being two of them. The disappointing thing seems to be that you can’t engage on this together. Perhaps that’s a way to approach the conversation again “this might be a possibility, I know it will affect you and the kids, so I want us to sit down together and work out what is possible or not, where we would compromise or not. And to do that we can look at the impact on you, me, the kids, and our finances, and make some choices together”.

Oh sure. It just sounds as if you’re still in argument mode and are looking for people to tell you you’re completely right and your wife is an idiot, and maybe you’re just letting off steam and that’s ok.

But in reality, it’s unlikely that you married an idiot and she just revealing it now. It’s more likely that she’s coming at this from a different angle and is trying to suggest different solutions, ones which you have immediately discounted (such as downsizing). It’s not an idiotic suggestion, it’s just one that’s outside your current approach.

Might be worth talking all this through and trying to keep an open mind about all the different things you could (jointly) do. Even if you’re not keen on her ideas, entertain them with an open mind. Do it calmly not as part of a row and try to get to a place where you each understand the other (even if you haven’t found the solution). It sounds to me as if you’re so stressed about it all that you’re thinking in quite a narrow way and then getting outraged when she makes suggestions that are outside that. Even if you end up in the same place, it would be worth listening to her properly and not just discounting what she’s saying, as you’ll get a better sense of her priorities and she will of yours, and you’re both likely to end up happier with the eventual outcome.