Can’t get over husbands porn addiction.

[ThisAmpleDenimCrab]

Hi, is there anyone out there that has experienced this? I’d really appreciate any input as I’m lost!

I’m married with kids. I’m just not getting on with my husband. We’ve had a lot of external problems over recent years, which hasn’t helped. I’ve always blamed things on that, but now I’m not so sure.

We don’t have sex anymore, he wants to, but I don’t since I found out he was addicted to porn. I know it’s not cheating but I kind of feel a bit like it was 😞 . He admitted to ‘liking’ girls porn videos, He says it went no further, but I don’t believe this. I don’t like the term ‘Ick’ but it’s given me the ick 🤣.

He says his porn addiction is my fault as I was so difficult around this time (we went through a bad patch). I probably was an arse, it was during covid and I wasn’t that happy.

There were times I tried to initiate sex but he couldn’t perform as he’d recently relieved himself to porn.

He says he won’t live in a sexless marriage (when I have had sex with him, it’s awful and I just feel like an ‘outlet’). He makes no effort anymore. I’m also in my late forties and feel so self conscious that he is looking at younger women.

Anyway, I’m rambling, this was a while ago but I still can’t forget it! Do I leave?

Years before I found out about the porn I knew something was wrong with our sex life, but I excused him as tired from work. When he confessed out of the blue that he had been doing it for years, I felt so hurt. Because of the children I gave him the chance to change, which he promised he would, that conversation was 7 years ago, and there have been further chances since. I have begged him to seek help, but he's to ashamed or doesn't want to? I've run out of support for him. I love my children and will do whatever I think is best for them, but it breaks my heart that I've started questioning if them growing up watching this cold loveless relationship is in their best interest. I don't want to tell them why I don't want to be with their Daddy anymore, because it's not something they can understand. I wish it had been another woman, someone real, that he could have physically and emotionally loved, not a bloody screen, it's cost us so much, and it's left us so empty. I don't want to miss time with my children, and they don't want to miss him.

What are the health benefits for the women you enjoy watching being violated?? They are all someone's daughter.

This! It kills the feelings when you know they are wanking over young women doing all sorts.

Yeah and bet this 50 year old is watching 18 year olds.. 🤢 no wonder there are so many creeps about.

Yep I don’t think many understand this aspect - when it becomes a big secretive habit then it’s hard to look at them in quite the same way and then you get a viscious circle, they do this and then you don’t feel sexually attracted, more kind of repulsed , so they watch it more because you aren’t interested in ‘that way’ -

I feel for you - I didn’t find out till after my son left home- I’ve always monitored our router , H not aware of that, which I did from when our son was a teen - initially I thought it was him watching all this sleaze, ( most days) but when it carried on after he left home realised it wasn’t . I brought it up twice, didn’t say how I knew, said I had seen it in open tabs on his phone - I don’t think most guys get that many ( not all) women find this habit disrespectful and repulsive and that it changes how you feel

Hi, thank you for responding. It's such a relief to know someone understands how i feel. Please can I ask what you mean by monitor your router? I'm not tech savvy and want to learn before my eldest starts secondary. If I can have more knowledge over what is happening online i can feel more informed on how I carry on, before making life changing decisions. My husband no longer has a smartphone because I said he could go cold turkey, but I don't think it's worked, and I do acknowledge we need phones etc it's very much a basic part of everyday life!

basically you switch your DNS settings on the router to use Cisco umbrella or something similar - only works though if they are connected to internet although if they are accessing via computer this would be the case -

Porn has ruined relationships

My DH had a bit of a porn habit. He was downloading lots of films onto his laptop. He was even doing that when I was in the house. I wanted sex with him. He didn't want any sex with me. The only saving grace was that he was watching mature porn, so the women were my age and not youngsters.

He did stop. His laptop doesn't even get used any more. Quelle surprise, our sex life has recovered.

Him watching porn didn't give me the "ick", however, had he been watching much younger women, it definitely would have. I was more annoyed that because of the porn, our sex life was dead.

He maintains that he started with it, because I had a much higher sex drive than him, and he was trying to get turned on more, for me. I've no idea if that's true, but it's plausible, as I used to complain a lot about the lack of sex. He had ED during this time, but now the porn is gone, he never gets ED.

It's a weird thing porn, and it does ruin relationships.

Truple is a app that can be used on phones to flag up inappropriate content. You can also ring up your provider and put a over 18 block on.

Most partners I’ve been with have watched porn, has never bothered me and I sometimes watch it myself and also with my partners.

It’s the TYPE of porn that is the bigger issue and whether or not it affects real life intimacy.

A 50+ year old man watching teens and early 20’s girls is sleazy but there is plenty of more mature porn and ethical porn out there.

however, if porn is a red flag and a boundary you are not willing to compromise on, and he still continues then unfortunately your relationship is doomed.

Just wondering what you did in the end? I’m in a very similar boat . You can see my post from last may plus my update today

See, I wouldn’t call that sleazy. I’d call that disgusting.

Your marriage will blow up anyway as your DH has said he won’t live in a sexless marriage, and he’s obviously got a right to leave if he is not happy. You’ve made it clear that side of the marriage is over so you need to make plans to end the marriage. Kids adapt and you’ll both be happy at the end of the day. It’s not easy to make steps to leave when you have children but you sound incredibly unhappy and would be much happier once everything is sorted. Good luck.

How typical for a male porn addict to not see the issue with a woman having an unhappy unsatisfying sex life.

Did you leave him, in the end? I assume so, as it didn’t sound like there was any action he could have taken that could have turned things around for you.

He could have stopped watching porn and had a sex life with his wife 🤔

Maybe, maybe not. That's basically what I'm asking.

Definitelynotem: "I’d want to see a commitment to stopping the porn and some kind of therapy but it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in any of that"
ThisAmpleDenimCrab: "I think he would do it. But I’ve lost any desire to do that!"

It's still something he could have done and should do if he wants any chance at saving his marriage.

The fact that OP has had enough means he is losing the chance to fix what he should have done to begin with.

It's all on him.

You're talking about necessary. I'm asking about sufficient.

If he'd bothered to do anything about it at all, that might have been sufficient.

He didn't though, did he?

So you're saying that she definitely left him then?

If not, what point are you actually trying to make?

You seem determined to find a straw man to argue with.

You're the one provoking an argument here @moderate . Why is that?

How so?

It didn't sound to me like anything could turn things around for OP, but Raymond came in with the claim that DH just having sex with her could have turned things around.

Every post I've made since has been to point out that this was the reason I was asking rather than making assumptions.