I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Because you never got a flat out no. Some of us are designed in a way that likes to hold onto that tiny slither of hope in a shitty, negative world and it's incredibly awful of other people to dangle that carrot right in front of our noses when they have no intention of following through.

Don't blame yourself. There's still time to have kids if you want them. Your future belongs to you now, grab it with both hands and do your thing

This is on your partner for not being honest with you from the start, or at least from earlier in your relationship. Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing, you now realise your partner has been stringing you along all this time, and you can see it all very clearly. There's nothing you can do to change, what were red flags, all you can do is now decide what you want going forward. If you hate living where you currently are, and your partner refuses to consider elsewhere, then your relationship is over. Think about where you want to live, and how you see your future. It's not too late to have children, but you know yourself time is running out. Take steps to move out, and end the relationship.

Thanks guys. He should have been straight from the start but it was pretty obvious. I should have copped on.

At the end of the conversation I said "I just wanted to live somewhere fulfilling and have kids with you", and he said "I know".

He hasn't spoken to me in two days.

I know exactly where I want to move to. First we need to hand the notice in :/

It wouldn't surprise me if when you leave he comes running to you. And if he doesn't it's his loss. If I loved you enough you would be his priority. His mum won't be around forever.

Why the hell has he not spoken to you for 2 days? He’s the one who has future faked you for 8 years?

At this point I don’t think you owe him anything, can you not just leave? If you want kids don’t waste another second of your life on this man - you need to have moved and started again, yesterday.

He’s choose his mum over you, he’ll regret this.

End the relationship and leave permanently, do not take him back even if he comes running. You are incompatible and the relationship was just held together by you compromising.

Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing - you trusted your partner and he lied and manipulated you by pretending he would move when he didn’t have any intention of doing so. He is in the wrong and you’re not an idiot to believe your partner!

But you know what you have to do now and that’s priotise yourself, live where you want to live and if that means the relationship ends, so be it. The worst thing you could do now is think that you should stay because you’ve already invested/wasted so much time on him already - that’s a sure fire way to waste even more time and become even more miserable.

Cut your losses and move on. You may yet still meet someone else and have children if you leave now!

I know, its ridiculous re him blanking me - WTF is that about?

I am out of here of course, but we have three months notice to give 🫣 I could just about pay double rent for one month but not three...

He's been out all day, obviously drawing on the local support network I didn't get a chance to build because pretty much anyone interesting I found here ended up moving on 🙄

Two days ago I told him "look, I really want to move to X, and I want you to at least try it for a year".

He said no, because he already knew he would feel "isolated and lonely". I said "you know that's how I've been feeling for eight years, right?" and he said yes.

Why do you think he’s decided to be honest with you now?

I feel very sorry for you. You have been spun a lie for years.
Is it your accommodation or job you need to give notice on or ate they linked?

I guess because I really pushed him. Up until now, over the years he would fly off the handle and say "not now", I would ask why, he would basically say "because life".
This time when I started the conversation, the facts are he's about to be made redundant, aka there's no longer a job reason tying him here.
The weird thing about this conversation is that this time, we were both really calm. Almost like we had no fight left in us and knew everything was inevitable.

This time when I asked why and he said because, I told him I really needed a concrete reason to work from.

That's when he said about his mum, who by the way, has been a nasty cow to me (progressively getting worse over the last year).

I told him his mum wouldn't be around forever, and he gave this sad shrug and said: "that's just the way it is".

Yesterday I was feeling sorry for him in a way, like he's ruining his life for something so dumb.
Today I hate him.

It's the accommodation, we are joint tenants!

I read back over the thread I made in 2017, and I could slap myself. It's all there. In black and white. I've been an absolute fool. I wish I could click my fingers and be back in the city that feels like home to me.

You’ll get there. It’s shit knowing you’ve wasted years (I wasted much longer and it rankles) but just make sure you don’t waste anymore. As for reading that thread and realising you knew this a long time ago, as a pp said, you had hope then and it’s powerful what hope can do. I’m sorry re children though but again, it’s still not too late.

Sweetheart please don’t waste your time and energy beating yourself up over this and what you ‘should’ve done’ …. That’s the past so try and accept that and leave it behind. You have learned a very valuable lesson from this and you will never diminish or disregard your happiness for someone else’s again. There is absolutely nothing wrong in committing yourself to someone and making compromises but you now know that you need to be absolutely sure that the other person is doing the same for you. Let this man go…. He obviously never deserved your love in the first place! You are so powerful right now; try and tune in to that strength within you that gave you the courage to say no more. Yeah, enmeshed living situation and financial stuff means a timeline before you go BUT that’s all it is, a few more weeks, nothing in the grand scheme of things and you can do it! We’re all routing for you and there’s some fantastic women on here who can give you great advice and cheer you on every step of the path to your freedom xx

I wasted 17 years and had two kids with a total liar. He absolutely mirrored all my hopes and dreams to make me think he was wanting the same life as me, travelling, concerts, outdoor activities, culture, etc. He’s into none of that at all. He got me married, mortgaged and coercively and deceptively) pregnant pronto then the real guy emerged. I was trapped by then. To me you’ve had a lucky escape though it probably doesn’t feel like it now. I got out of that at 38 and feel like life just began then. You’ve still got time, just don’t waste another second 😊 Enjoy your new life!

In most cases, the writing is on the wall in big bold lettering. We women should learn to read it and take it at face value. Note that most men don't do subtleties.
I wish I learnt this lesson earlier in life.

This says it all for me - if he had genuinely been unable to imagine you didn’t love the place as much as he did because it clearly means a lot to him, I would empathise more with him.

But wtf - he’s known and appreciated all these years your loneliness and isolation as you’ve given his dream a damn good and fair shot and now you’re asking for an equally fair shot from him on your preference, the relationship is over because he can’t leave his mum (total excuse by the way!).

I don’t know this man and he’s making my blood boil for you 😂

Absolute same.

The writing was on the wall. He practically told me.

I just wish he had actually looked me dead in the eye and said "I will never move. Never. Because my mother will always be my priority."

At least going forward i will never make this same mistake again. It wasn't even a compromise, it was self-sacrifice. I will never ever do this again.

Pay one month and then just move out. If he can't afford the remaining two months, tough. He'll have to get his precious mother to help out. Tell him you'll repay him your remaining two months-worth in instalments over the next eight years.

Haha, sorry for raising your blood pressure like that!

Christ, how am I going to survive these 3 months? Im going to the city for a week next weekend so that's something. I have loads of friends there thank God.

This is exactly right. I am a mug also.

I think I'll move in August and you're right, actually fuck it, his darling mother can sub him the rest. He will be moving back in with her 20 min down the road since he is being made redundant. I meanwhile have to move countries.

I also dont plan on helping him clean the house or return it in a fit state. In fact whatever I can't pack or dont want anymore I might just leave for him to deal with.

I'll forfeit my deposit money for September and checkout cleaning

OP, I understand your frustration and am glad you are finally moving (I think you may have posted about this over the years a couple of times - stuck in a town and flat you hate? If not - you are not alone on MN.)

From now on, never ever let your fulfilment and happiness in life be dependent on someone else's decision. Years ago I promised myself that I alone was responsible for my own happiness and it was up to me and only me to sort it out. I am not saying it's your fault that you held onto hope. But from now on, it's your responsibility to make a life worth living for yourself, and when you do, it will attract the right people around you.

And as others have said, you are not too old to have children. I was older than you before I had my two. Whether you want them with a man who is that attached to his mother is a different issue.