I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I wasted 14 years with the wrong man. It's easy to look back and think 'you idiot, it was all there!', but there's a plausibility there in the beginning, a bit of them faking, a bit of you hopeful. Boiling frog syndrome etc. Anyway don't waste time on that! You're not 40 yet and you can get back to a city and back to living 👌🖤

No absolutely not. I got on with her very well, we used to go out to concerts, theatre etc.

So when I said to her that I was so concerned that she felt so lonely she said such rubbish & where had I got that idea. So I told her that XH had told me that she was crying & said that she needed him to stay with her. She was shocked & said that conversation had never happened &, frankly, she would rather that he didn't stay as he would smoke in her house (I used to make him smoke in the garden) & rather took over expecting her to cook him meals, get him a packed lunch for him to take into work (I used to expect him to make his own packed lunch & mine as I did all the cooking) & then disappear into the 'snug' to watch TV. He would go out for a long (2-3 hour walk) leaving the front door unlocked, the house would stink of his fag smoke & she said that I was welcome to him as he didn't do a thing around the house, only left the kitchen in a mess, brought her his laundry & ironing to do etc.

@PinkImbrella this has a very ‘Italian, mommies boy feeling to it - as you say you were talking about 15 miles up the road - one of the reasons I was somewhat unhappy in my first marriage in my 20s was my ex H refused to leave our mining town and move 13 miles up the road to the nearest city - where there was so much more going on and opportunity and I was working there too - I am not blaming him , he’s still there 35 years later, I should have realised he would always want to stay there

OMG so similar! How long did you stay with him?

I was married to guy tied to his mother’s apron strings. He had moved away for work then moved back to the area, worked for himself and had a tied house, as did his parents on a neighbouring estate but he saw them every day, stayed a week at a time. We married, they had to move away a couple hundred miles but he had to phone every day, go visit two days a week and then moved us all in with them when they moved to look after our business in a big house. 10 years he promised we’d get our own home nearby. He even put offers in on some, but we were not moving.
If I ever mentioned his mother in less than glowing terms, he’d ignore me for 3 weeks. Always 3 weeks. It could be 6 weeks out of 7, and was a few times. She could do no wrong, interfering, lying, wasting our resources on stupid projects. I had to accept it all but in the end it was apparent I was to stay for ever..at least to look after them all their lazy lives. I left.
But he always put them above me and the children. And the silent treatment actually became a blessing

@PinkImbrella married at 20, left at 28

Think that posted meant “wtf was your Ex playing at?” Not “wtf did you divorce him”, because it’s pretty obvious why you got rid.

Her only son? Is she single/widowed?

Sorry, that was really unclear, I mean WTF at his behaviour! You are well out of there

If you’re not absolutely sure about having kids you might want to check out the recent mn post about having them after forty and beyond from a mother who is exhausted and wishing she had started earlier on.

Was he afraid of adulting and so regressed.

I think so, yes. He was able to go back to being an irresponsible 8 year old who's mummy would cook for him, do his ironing, clear up after him and he was able to sit & watch TV while smoking in the house.

He was the youngest of 3 children & a bit of an after-thought, his brother & sister are 15 & 12 years older than him. He was terribly spoiled and, frankly, sometimes I was shocked at the way he used to speak to his mother - he would shout at her, tell her that a meal that she'd cooked tasted like crap & demand that she cook another (which she did).

I would stand up to him & say that I was his wife, not his mother & if he didn't like the way that I cook, he knows where the kitchen is & he could get himself something else.

He wasn't a nice man & I'm well-rid.

You owe him nothing, including sticking around for a 3 month notice period. In your position, with a job you can do remotely, I'd just move out and leave him with the rental payments.

The problem is, if OP is on the lease, she's liable for the rent. If he choses not to pay it the LL could come chasing her for it.

I don't want to fuck him over unless he makes it impossible for me to do otherwise (like not signing the notice). We had a loving relationship other than this pretty fucking big sticking point! I don't want to leave with a bad taste in my mouth and I would prefer to know that I did everything right.
I would like to bail on the last month though, but I'll tell him and he can take my deposit money for that. I will leave him to do the cleaning/repairs for the place.

Mate, he’s fucked you over for 8 years. He may have cost you an alternative loving relationship, new friendships, children, job opportunities- the list is endless. You should be leaving and moving on asap to make up for lost time

I may be wrong, but I think OP said that she'd be moving countries. If so and she doesn't contemplate moving back to where she is, good luck to him with that. Of course she could have meant county, not country. Or I may have misread.

Lovely, he's fucked you over in just about the biggest way one can be fucked over. Don't worry about three lousy 50% of the rent payment.

And I'm sorry, but you didn't have a 'loving' relationship, at least not on his part. A loving partner wouldn't lie to the other for 8 years. He knew exactly what he was doing and lied specifically to keep you where you did not want to be. I wouldn't call that loving, would you?

Time to love yourself FIRST. If you don't want to be there, then leave. You are going to have the hassle of establishing you new life. He can fucking well clean up after you in the old one.

What @AcrossthePond55 said…….. in spades!!!

@PinkImbrella - don’t be a mug……… look after your own best interests. And the cat’s 😻

If you want kids you can have them. It's shitty that you have been led down the garden path really. Why can't people be honest? Leave

I was stuck in a similar situation and finally left after years of isolation and zero compromise either. It was tough at first but I know that I made the right decision and ended up having a child at 40 in a great city and single. We love life and I'm still in touch with his family and my stepdaughter who lives there (she's grown up) but it's great, you'll be better than ever and have the gusto. Blessings 🙏

He's not speaking to you because he thought the longer he strung you along the less likely youd leave. He misjudged you, and frankly, if you shackle yourself to this guy he will weigh on you like mount vesuvius!
Start again, where you will be happy. Settling for where you are will drive yiu insane.
Baby walking nights. Menopause, and all that comes down the line will be 20 times worse when you hate the domain.

So I went upstairs and said "so shall we give the notice in? Because its 3 months". And he said "yeah".

Tomorrow I have the vets appointment.

On Friday I go to my new city for a week!

I can't wait to be honest. Its been so hard just surviving here this past week when my only "person" here is stonewalling me.

Still though, its weird but through the deep fatigue and sadness im actually feeling positive. I already know this whole experience is going to make me a better more resilient person.

Personally I would have liked more of a discussion since our talk last Tuesday. Not to try and convince each other or fight, we've been down that road way too many times. But i would have liked and would have been capable of just having an openhearted conversation about how we got here and how we've felt this past few years, just a kind of closing the circle situation.

I accept that not everyone would feel that way though.

So hes happy for you to do it for EIGHT years but wont even give you ONE??? Just put the whole man in the bin

Well done you - hope all goes well at the vet tomorrow & that it doesn't cost you too much.

Good luck in your new life without this painful excuse of a man. 😘