I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Ah, OP. I read you being self depreciating and want to say that you have my solidarity.

Mine was dangling the carrot of an engagement and then trying for a baby. Seven and a half years I believed the “wrong time”, “well just do x,y and z” etc etc etc.
I’m not a stupid woman, but I believed him because there was always something and it was never a no. So frustrating and then easy to blame yourself- so you aren’t the only one!!!

Don’t beat yourself up about the wasted years.
No one can predict the future.You could have left him after a year and always worried he one was the one that got away. You might have left him and gone through something traumatic like a car accident. You don’t know life would have been better so don’t sweat it…just know that you are making the move now because this chapter of life has run its course.

I wasted 20 years on a complete fool OP. It was sunken phallacy. I kept hoping it would get better. Of course it didn't. But you will be free soon. Your life and mine isn't over.

Wishing you the best, and a hugely happy life going forward.

Just wondered would there be any consequences to you just leaving say at the end of this month and foregoing any further rent payments? I see you are moving countries so I suppose not (I think!).

If that's the case and there will be no effect on your credit score etc. I'd leg it end of this month, stay with a friend, rent air b and b, and get out of co living with him ASAP. Then move to the city you love when ready.

Can’t help laughing at “sunken phallacy” typo!😂

Ok, from other posts, that stonewalling sounds an awful lot like silent treatment, especially the not talking for days.

The weird bond with his mother sounds a bit like enmeshment. You've said before he doesn't defend you with his nasty mum. Again...

For that distance, the city is where your support network is. Him never entertaining the notion of him doing exactly what you have done for years (live away from your support network). Again this is like someone controlling you, by isolating you. The whole thing smacks of sheltered boy hiding behind mothers skirts. Living with you has given him a vision of independence but he can't or won't break away - that's a battle he has to fight on his own. He'll have to be independent himself one day.

In effect his mother is controlling the relationship by proxy.

Excuse me for all the enmeshment etc, it's my experience of my own family and so I (think I) see it.

Speak to the landlord and see if he will remove you from the tenancy due to splitting up. It”s possible. Also, double check your tenancy, most tenancies say a month’s notice, so effectively, you could move out immediately if you can afford a month’s rent. That’s been the case on all of my tenancies. Landlord has to give 2 months, tenants give one.

Also, if his mother’s as awful as you say (and believe you) just think how this would have ramped up if you had stayed, had children…. Thank your lucky stars you’re getting away from that!

I'm sorry you feel he's not been honest BUT at the same time, many women would have thrown in the towel years ago.

You did have a choice and you chose to stick it out.

I wasn't in exactly your situation but after 2 years in a long distance relationship (one part of the UK driving to another most weekends) I decided to give my now DH an ultimatum- either you marry me or it's over. I split up with him for a while.

You've been too patient. At 38 you could still meet someone and have a child at 40 (I've known it happen to other women I know) so although it's 'later' it's not 'too late'.

Good luck with it all.

OK, so I have a slightly different perspective.

I don't think his reason for wanting to stay is "dumb". There are plenty of women who want to live in the same town as their parents, quite often their mum especially. I think that it's fine if that's a priority and I don't think it's necessarily wrong. I think the scathing comments from PP about him being a "mummy's boy" are a bit shitty actually. It's not wrong to want to be close to your parents.

However, the fact that his mum is spectacularly shitty to you OP IS one of the big issues, along with his refusal to stand up for you. Neither of those are acceptable.

Re the location - maybe he never intended to leave and has lied to you all along. But is it possible that he was deceiving himself too? It sounds like - on the whole - your relationship has been fun and loving. Maybe he knew that if he refused to leave ever that you'd end things, so he fooled himself that he'd feel ready one day. And now there are no more "reasons" he has to face the fact that he just doesn't want to go?

I'm not defending him, just offering another possible perspective to consider. You're the one that knows him OP so only you can tell whether he's always known or whether he just hadn't faced the fact himself until now.

Essentially, you both have similar requirements in a relationship - you both have a place that you want to live. And there's no possible compromise there either - the place that makes him happy makes you unhappy, and vice versa. The difference is you were willing to stick it out for a while. The thing is, it's made you desperately unhappy so it's actually better for both of you to cut the ties - some differences are just insurmountable.

You are absolutely not too old to have children, or to meet anyone else. Or even to do it on your own. You have so many options and you have time.

One day you might be able to look back on these eight years and appreciate the fun you had, and the good times. Not now because you're raging and raw - but when you have a wonderful new life, you might feel differently about whether this time was truly wasted.

Also by the way, he might be lovely company and fun, but he sounds as if he'd be a shit parent. Always broke and sulks when things get difficult. I promise you that you can do better.

Channel your anger into getting things in motion - you have so much to look forward to, and it's his loss.

Please don't blame yourself. As someone else said, some of us are wired to hold onto a smidgen of hope. Grasp your freedom now and make the life you want. His mother sounds very possessive and resentful of you. She now has what she wants. Good luck to them both! xx

Blasted auto correct!!!

I think it is more than that, Pinkim. He is a 'small town guy'. In his dreams he may have spread his wings but did not have the confidence to actually do it. He's not alone in that but most people don't string someone along for so long.

I'm glad he has told you, now you can leave him and start living your own life. At 38, though you may not think so, you are still quite young and have a lot of good years ahead. Make the most of them!

Good luck.

You are extremely fortunate to still have a group of friends who you can rely on once you move back to the city. After 8 years many friends just kind of break away. This is a massive plus in your gettaway plans.

Leave while you can. Your life without him will be so much better.

He is primarily to blame but you are too for the martyred acts the all for love ,waiting,hoping,that he’d put you first. He didn’t, but somehow you kept waiting . Next time you get into a relationship don't get into the love is sacrifice head space.

Thanks so much for this, there's so much you say that's really insightful, and I agree with you on what his reasoning probably was.

There's also a chance that maybe I was stringing him along too. Maybe he kept hoping that I would come around to it and change my mind, that it would grow on me or Id eventually relent.

Ultimately I guess we were both just kidding ourselves and didn't want to pull the trigger. I guess the bitterness I have is that I at least went all in and gave it a fair whack. He didn't even try it my way for one year, and while yes, he could have been lacking in confidence etc, I would have expected after 8 years for him to push through that and at least try it.

I do feel empathy for him though, I just wonder whether he does for me

Hope this is a joke - why would she want her baby to have a father like that and a horrible grandmother?

At least it won't be in the middle of nowhere

I just wish he had actually looked me dead in the eye and said "I will never move. Never. Because my mother will always be my priority."
He needed you to provide support as a partner so that he could focus on the primary bond in his life, ie the one he has with his engulfing mother.
Also the fact that he was removing your freedom was compensating him a little for the control his mother has over him.
Without you there he might not be able to cope, ergo you should ship out pronto!

I wonder if you didn't have kids with him as deep down you knew he was a dead end?

I lived in my husband's home county for 26+ years. He would never move to mine. He offered a half hearted compromise which was half way between the two places and I said no, no point as we're away from everyone. He said he wouldn't move until his parents died, then we started considering it for when our youngest went to uni. Then a parent of his died and I was the one who said we stay now and support the other. I was 100% fine with this. Then five months later we separated, I filed for divorce three months later and almost two years from the separation, I'm back in my home county. Surrounded by kind and supportive neighbours, ten minutes from my oldest friend and happy. Him? Divorced, living with his mum, kids barely speaking to him but that's okay as he has a shiny new girlfriend.

I never thought we'd move as felt he was in charge, don't be me. Grab this opportunity!

So, stay in a dead-end relationship and never try for anything better? Christ on a bike. 🤦‍♀️

If you want children - Have them. I'm 40 this year and would love another baby. Having kids in your 40's can be difficult, but I think it's a good age when you've really matured into an adult and had lots of life experience. Plus, you don't need him to have a baby - Go to a sperm bank! Wait for no man when it comes to your dreams in life.

It sounds like the good outweighed the bad for a period of tome - until it didn't. There's nothing terribly wrong in having a mostly good relationship. But, you have to be able to live with the not so great bit. You've decided you can't do tjat any mire, or your priorities have changed, or you've changed, or he's changed. The best scenario is always to make a change before resentment then contempt develop and respect disappears. However, you have made a choice for yourself now. Don't delay moving forward. Do it with dignity and excitement, not spite, anger or regret. Leave all that behind. 🩷