I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Haha this reminded me of the book that changed my life and ended up with me leaving a similarly wet flannel tjat had strung me along - the subtle art of not giving a f*ck. Highly recommend, OP.

I had the just living somewhere I hated 8 years - not the partner betrayal.

It was work that took us there house prices and mortgage that kept us there. DH hated it as well - we really tried did every thing we could to enjoy the place though he got away much more than I did working outside location. Took a year of limbo to sell the house.

The elation when we finally moved though - it was huge weight lifted I was postively giddy till got bullied onto some medciation by new GP.

Our wider family and friends not in area all dismissed how unhappy I was - and with young kids I made a huge effort to fit in and settle - and I wasn't sat around mopping. They all said next place would be no better - they were so wrong - and new place has a bad rep on MN.

Post leaving I've met here on line and people in RL who lived there and found similar and family said they'd met people who were also very negative but only said since we left prior it was all us and I needed to make more effort.

Easy to say but if at all possible I'd focus on the moving on bit - and excitment of moving somewhere better.

You don’t have a whole lot of time, but you have enough time to find someone new that isn’t a Mama’s boy & have some babies. If you cut the strings now.

I am sorry this happened to you & it is not your fault - if we never trusted anyone we would never be in a relationship. You trusted & it didn’t work out but all is not lost.

You have not left it too late.
I meet my child's father at 38. Got married, pregnant and gave birth at 39.
Yes I like your thinking. Give 1 months notice and leave. You are moving counties so can leave properly. He will be staying in the area close to mummikins so he can sort things out. You are leaving him a golden opportunity this way, to earn some badly depleted humanity points.
It's a win win.

So sorry to hear this OP... At least you know now, better than never!

Urm, leave? Tell him the 3 months he has to pay in full is no where near the same value as the past 8 child-bearing years you've lost!

Op - don't beat yourself up about this.

I was in a very similar position. In my case it was in the middle of nowhere (his home village) and, whilst I didn't have a nasty mum to put up with, I had to massively compromise with work as there were few local options.

I put up with it for 6 years before we had a conversation where he made it clear he wasn't budging. I suppose I knew underneath it all that if I pushed it, he wouldn't compromise so I avoided testing things. I put leaving it so long down to wishful thinking. I'm sure that if I'd posted on MN then, I'd have had plenty of advice telling me to leave sooner- not sure I'd have listened.

It took me just 6 weeks to find a great new job and move to a great city. The speed of my move took him by surprise. I have a great life now and am very content - part of that is down to how much I appreciate what I have now.

Good times are ahead for you - try not to look back too much.

He blanked you as a punishment because he didn't get his own way. Horrible man. End things and start again. Its hard but it's the only way.

You may feel that you’ve wasted your time, but end it now and waste no more!

Good luck and you’ll have learnt from this and your next relationship will be different because of it.

He hasn’t spoken to you for 2 days? Why? You haven’t done anything wrong.

It's not his mother that's the priority. It's him. He's more important than you, in his eyes, and therefore anything you want or need is not important at all. I've been there. He'll probably feel sorry for doing this to you, but he won't feel like it was wrong, cos, you know, he's important and you're just a woman. Clock out. Move on. Sorry you've wasted so much time.

I am so sorry OP and I also know just how devastating it can be to constantly beat oneself up and be angry with self. There can be many reasons why you went along with this. for me it was trauma coupled with ADHD that kept me in the loop of repeating patterns of bevaviour especially in relationships that were self sabotaging.
Find a way to be kind to yourself, work on the internal dialogue. You are human and there is a reason why you did that even if it is not clear to you now.
Put yourself first now, figure out with lots of self love and compassion, what do you need and want for yourself. You feel like you wasted 8 years. That is a very hard thing. However you cannot get those years back, you can though make sure you do not waste the next 8. So take what is good out of those 8 and decide now what it is you want in your life and go for it. I did that, lots of soul searching, therapy, reshaped relationship with myself, my life though is unrecognisable compared with before. I wish all the very best xx

Sorry that you feel you've wasted your time. I think you need to move on and away. Build your life without him. I figure he's not suited to adult relationships. He doesn't do compromise, you do all the work. He's just a little boy afraid to do anything outside of his comfort zone, whether it's his mother, leaving his tinpot village etc. Please don't wait for him, I don't think he'll ever change. Wouldn't surprise me if his mummy selects his fashions, does everything (that you don't) for him.

What's the deal between him and his mum that he doesn't want to leave her?

this

I dont understand either. We had the talk on Tuesday. Its now Sunday. He hasn't said a word to me. He has literally just come home from.work and gone to bed. He has spent quite literally the entire weekend in bed. I guess he must be depressed?

This was always the pattern. Any kind of conflict or clash, he would stonewall the fuck out of me.

This weekend I've been listening to a lot of self-help podcasts 😆 I think we might have been an anxious/avoidance attachment couple.

On Friday I am going back to thr city i want to move to for a week: its not a case of the grass is always greener, i lived there for years and love it there, I have a huge network of friends waiting for me!

he's stonewalled you before and its worked.

It’s not a waste if it was a happy relationship otherwise. You could have left way before the 8 year point. After a few years, you should have had the conversation. You let it drag a little too long IMO. What’s done is done, do not waste another second unhappy, you still have time at 38!

I honestly have no clue.

But right from the start, she would say stuff in front of him like "dont take my boy away from me!!!" and even as recently as last month when we were at a family dinner, she completely randomly swivelled around in her seat and said "you know, i will always be the number one woman in his life".
He didn't react.

All her siblings, nieces and nephews and even her daughter all live in neighbouring streets to her. She has no health problems. She's just a small minded mean person if you ask me.

I think she probably thought that i was preventing him from giving her grandkids IYSWIM (although she has loads of grandkids already from her two daughters)

Thank you! I know I will be okay and will be able to rebuild my life. Its just sp galling re the compromise. The distance i spent 8 years asking him for was basically equivalent to us living in Rochdale and me asking whether we could please now move to Manchester.

I like this. It's karmic...

Op, are you in Eastern Europe? I am from there and it's so common for mothers to have these creepy relationships with their adult sons and for the sons to be mamma's boys. I dated someone like that and I wouldn't do it again if someone paid me to!

he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral

Unless his mother is in need of care, that is fucking weird. His mum is his top priority in his life, and you are somewhere underneath. I don't think that would have changed, even if you ended up having kids with him.

Right.
So, today is the start of your new life.
Pull those pants up.
You are going to move forward from this.
You know exactly what you want from life now and you won't ever make the same mistake again.
I've been in a very similar situation.
I told DH on our second date what my goals were (marriage and kids) and 2 years later that's exactly what I had.
Go out there and enjoy meeting new men love. Go and find your future and leave this utter deadbeat in his pond.

But right from the start, she would say stuff in front of him like "dont take my boy away from me!!!" and even as recently as last month when we were at a family dinner, she completely randomly swivelled around in her seat and said "you know, i will always be the number one woman in his life".
He didn't react

Oh God OP. This would have most women screaming and running in the other direction!!!! Massive red flags. Almost seems incestuous.