I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Definitely not a psychopath. I think the posters who said you have been mentally distancing yourself for a while now are right. You are now free to go where you want and do what you want without that weight holding you back - it's all good.

I think responding with "I'm great, life is good" would be my response, but you may think that is a bit harsh ivo his recent redundancy. What can I say, I'm probably a bit of a cow 😁.

@PinkImbrella get teddy back, give last of his stuff back (can’t remember if there is any) then get ready to cut him off. And, well done. I remember when my ex went the overwhelming emotion was relief. Sometimes I now look back with sadness, but it’s not because I want him back - just regret over what happened. All normal.

I think he is more of a psychopath…comparatively speaking…it’s not a diagnosis 🤣
because you have cared…for years you cared about him, his wants.
He has never cared about yours, only that you fulfilled his.

But getting over it is more of a thing when a split is a bolt from the blue …rather than moving on from a long term dissatisfaction, and having a better future to build is empowering, exciting if occasionally intimidating. A challenge and a plan is positive whilst you have left a negative behind

Absolutely this!

I think you are naturally rebounding. His indifference and the curtness of his responses are not triggering your sentimental side. He is treating the interactions so matter of factly, like you are a male roommate who moved out and you really only have a casual relationship at this point, that its hard to get overwhelmed by romantic fantasies if what might have been. Its all to the good. I also think that you did plenty of grieving before you left. It may be that, subtly and without noticing, you have already buried this relationship in the past.

You are going to hit the posting limit so if you want continuity you might want to start another thread “to Lancaster and beyond” or something as this is what I think of your ex:

I think that's an excellent idea OP 😉😆

Ha! Well, it might just be me updating with "hey guys, just ate a sandwich on a bench, feeling okay". But having said that im maybe not out of the woods yet. Its not quite case closed until he actually leaves that house and I get teddy back is it! He just texted to say he is leaving when the notice runs out, which would be October 🤯

I cant remember whether I paid the whole deposit or not (I usually did), will have to go back and check. But considering how good im feeling, part of me is now tempted to NOT forfeit my deposit, whether I paid it in full or half

No, don’t forfeit your deposit, look after your own interests for once, not his.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Why would you forfeit your deposit? That's the same as handing over a large sum of money to him.

Well leaving the house, you have to clean it and do minor repairs and then have the landlord inspect is so you can get your deposit back. I have left him to do all that so logically I thought I should forfeit the deposit

And why continue to engage and open up avenues for potential argument etc? OP has done something huge by leaving. If anything, a text saying "return any amount you think fair after repairs and cleaning", but don't have expectations. Just get that damned bear. Priorities fgs. 🤦‍♀️

🧸 Ou es-tu, maman?

Good luck @PinkImbrella . Hope all pans out for you - you’ve done so well getting to grips with a new start. Never been to Lancaster but a year to consolidate and regroup sounds a sensible plan .
as an aside I’d be interested in which part of France you were in - I just love France and have thought about trying to move there many times. The whole country seems lovely to me but I guess it has grim bits too. Just can’t think where.

@PinkImbrella

@boredsolicitorLille is truly awful, was so so disappointed. They same to hate the British and the main thing to do is go shopping.

@RandomMess- you got me there- Never been to Lille! I suppose that’s it really - I’ve probably been to France about 40-50 or so times but always to nice holiday spots so have an overly positive view of the place I guess.

France is a great country, and in some (many?) respects rather more civilised than the UK. However, a chat in the street today with a French Basque neighbour who has been here for 40+ years - we were talking about the general ghastliness of families, chiefly our own - revealed that under the surface lies madness. It's just a different form of madness.

I think women spend so much time trying to make a relationship work, that most of us only ever leave when we’re 100% certain it’s the right decision. So when we do leave it’s like a light switch and there’s no going back, the door is closed. We then spend a few teary days and voila, we’re off feeling happy and content kowing we did everything possible to make it work, so can walk away head held high

So he hasn't even read the fucking letter, he "doesn't have the heart". It just goes to show how different we are because j cant imagine not ripping it open the moment the person left, i guess everyone's different

Oh, and he invited his cousin over to the house to "show him everything he was about to lose".

I spoke to my friend there and she has agreed to rescue Teddy. I sent her screenshots of his random "here's an update on my boring redundancy admin" and she said he's laying the groundwork for me to give him some money or pay all the rent or something. I cant imagine that - am I just really fucking naive???!

I know this sounds a bit sitcomy but before I left I actually set her up with the cousin so now there's this extra layer where they are in the first flushes of dating while also using our relationship as some kind of early-stage bonding platform. Which i dont mind, I would probably do the same 😂

Good analysis, I think youre right. We grind it down to the bare bone!

Really? My friend went to Lille for a few days and liked it.

Dont trust your mate or the cousin....also that letter will be shared around the village, know that.

"So he hasn't even read the fucking letter"

Well.... 😊
(just wanna give some levity)

@Idontpostmuchif you love shopping it’s a paradise but that’s not my thing. Wandering around the oldest part looking at the architecture was nice but that was a day at most.