I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I would honestly move out straight away or at least by the end of June. You could put your things in storage. Hope it all works out well for you, you’re still young.

OP please don't think of it as wasting 8 years. You have said the relationship was loving and supportive.
Think of it as having chosen to stay in a loving relationship for which you were prepared to compromise on where you lived, at any point during those 8 years you could have walked away.
However you are no longer prepared to make that compromise and that is fine. Some women stay in relationships their whole lives waiting for the changes they have been promised.
In terms of your age 38 is still young and you will move on with your life and you will find happiness again.
I wish you well OP.

So he's barefaced looking you in the eye and telling you he knows he has gaslighted you for eight years.

Leave ASAP. don't waste another minute.

Well, now you've sent me down a rabbit hole where I've found myself casually browsing sperm donor profiles. I had no idea they gave you dating-style descriptions of their personalities, but its kind of making me want to meet some of these guys 😁

Im trying to distract myself while i wait for my trip next Friday. Ive discovered Poldark which is exactly the kind of thing I need to be watching right now - 5 seasons, easy.

The thing is because of fucking Brexit my cat needs a rabies jab and then a 3-week wait before she can cross the border 🙄 Vet is coming on Tuesday

I know, its sucks. Im not sure it qualifies as gaslighting but one things for sure: i couldn't know somebody was unhappy like that for that long and it not affect my own happiness.

You feel like you’ve wasted 8 years so don’t waste 3 minutes just move on. Tell the landlord you’re leaving and let him take on the rent or find new tenants or lodger.

Has he always felt like this though? The whole 8 years? Is it at all possible that he would have considered moving and wasn’t being dishonest, at least not initially? Has there maybe been a decline in his mums health or something that’s changed his perspective? Obviously it’s still a huge problems but if so then he hasn’t been deliberately dishonest. I’m not sticking up for him, just a different way of looking at it.
It doesn’t change the fact that you both want different things. You hate living where you are, he won’t leave his mother. If neither of you can budge then it’s not meant to be. I’m sorry you are in this position.

is the house/apartment you are renting big enough to accommodate a lodger? Someone he can to sublet to, so you can leave without financial loss?

That's a timeline to work with, though. Plan to leave when your cat is cleared to travel 😃 And while you're in the city next week look for places there you could move to - if you can take one immediately, and that suits you, do it. Between now and your city trip you can do the research for the next phase of your life. You won't even notice Mr Stonewall sulking once you get started.

The other thing I’ll add, just because it happened to me, is that even though I left, he met someone and got married less than a year later. That really stung. Even though I didn’t want him back at all, my reaction surprised me.

Op half of all marriages end in divorce so this happens to many women after being together 20 years or more. You don't have ties to him with kids. You can make a clean break and find someone else. There must have been happy times else you wouldn't have stayed so long. You are still young enough to make a new life you will be fine. Good luck.

When I dated my husband, I opened all my cards early on. It worked out. You still can have kids

The best thing that I did for my MH was leave my XH because of this kind of situation.

We moved to live close to his mother, it seemed that wasn't close enough & he started spending 2, then 3 nights a week at her house. He told me a story about how she said how lonely she was. So I visited & said to her that I understood how lonely she was & how she needed him to stay with her in an attempt to come to an agreement. I was suggesting that we both of us spend 2 nights a week with her. She didn't know what I was talking about! She told me that he spent his entire time at her house watching the TV in a different room to her & spent no time with her at all 😡

So, dear reader, I divorced him. Lying Bastard.

What the hell??! What was that about then? He just went to her house to watch TV? Why couldn't he just do that at yours?

Thanks so much for all the cheering messages guys, its really helping me.

You could reframe this to say you've spent 8 years learning how to spot dickbag time wasters and prioritise yourself?
I hope you have the best ever time moving out, living where you want to live and doing what you want to do.

WTF?!

Sunken phallacy 😂

Personally I would just leave. Do you have a joint bank account for rent-take your share for next 3mths and leave. He's lied to you for this long as much as you may love him you owe him nothing now. Move out and start living your life again

23 years I wasted OP, he told me then that our whole relationship was a sham and he'd only married me 'because I'd wanted to'. He was a pathetic mummies boy too.

So this is good news OP. An exciting new chapter is about to start. What plans have you got for your new life?
And please, name and shame the shithole you're living in? The young women of mumsnet need to know to avoid any single men, too close to their mother, who live there 😆

I'm sorry why the WTF?

He moved me to a different town on the precept that his (newly widowed mother) needed support. We moved to a house within easy walking distance from hers. Then he told me a complete story about how she was saying how lonely she was, afraid to be in the house on her own & how she needed him to stay with her 2 & then 3 nights a week. When I spoke to her about a solution for resolving the situation, it turned out that he'd lied to me. She was happy being in the house alone &, when he stayed there, he didn't spend anytime with her.

He made me move to somewhere that I wasn't happy to move to, transferred my job etc all because of a lie, how could I trust him after that? If he was able to make up a whole conversation that he'd had with his mother who (he said) was in tears about being alone & lonely....

If he could make up a story like that how could I trust him again?

Commitment phobic? Had a problem but avoided confrontation?

Just why? Why would anyone do that!! Was he afraid of adulting and so regressed. Apparently lots of people are non-confrontational, and so when a problem arises they hide, reverting to whatever comfort zone made themselves feel safe, and so the problem never gets resolved. Maladaptive coping.

I think PP meant "WTF" in regards to his batshit, baffling behaviour. I sympathise with the simmering rage and resentment you must have felt! Is there a chance his mother was lying to you to make herself look better/play you off each other though?