I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

You are not the only one. Take comfort in that.

Well you can have the kids with him if you want but make an arrangement

I have definitely posted on here over the years and I was going to update that thread for all the kind women who gave me advice and who I blatantly ignored. If its not me, it could be good for me to read someone else's story.

Thank you for your kind words, I have learned the same as you but in such a hard way. There's so much more bullshit that has happened, its insane. Even if I dont end up having kids, I can still go on to become a salt-cracked battleaxe who nurtures young women with my hard-won advice. A part of me thinks that if I had really been that keen on having kids I would have responded/jumped to a solution earlier. I guess i would have just liked to have felt like I had a choice, but all my brain space has gone on The Location Conundrum, there was no room to think of anything else if you get me.

Well I did think i could maybe use these two/three months to go on a hate-fuck rampage with him and then run away with his unborn child 🤣

Putting aside geography, are there any good things that have happened in those 8 years? - any interesting people you have palled up with? - any good aspects of your relationship? I feel there must be or you would not have stuck it out that long. You can't have sat around feeling disgruntled for 8 years surely?

The geography aspect has now become a deal breaker, but that does not mean you have "thrown away" 8 years of your life. At the very least you are older and wiser and can move forward into the next phase knowing what not to do!

You are not too young to meet a new partner and/or have children (if that is what you want) and you need to start looking forward to the things you would like to do rather than looking back with regrets. That is a waste of time.

😁😁

Do it

Yes. Im hating on him now, and have the back up of my MN crew. And he really has been quite unforgivable and pathetic in this semi future faking.

But day to day he was a dream for me.
Gentle, funny. Did all the cleaning, all the repairs and gardening (I did the admin and cooking). A real laugh, a sweetnatured drunk. Happy go lucky, easy to get along with. Reliable. What I love(d) about him is that the simplest things could be a great time. We just had a great natural chemistry that meant that even going to the supermarket or ending up in a really shit restaurant felt like fun. Would do considerate things for me, like id come home from a trip and he would have fixed my bike, or would have hung up all my hirthday cards. Great with kids and animals.
Objectively really good looking and ripped, think Jean Dujardin.

On the minus side, always broke. Never defended me against his nasty mum. Refused to ever move from his ex-mining pit, not even the nearest city a 40 min drive away.

You're going to move Is he?

Get the property out in his name and leave.

If you are on a standard rolling AST and pay your rent monthly, you do not have to give 3 months notice to the landlord. One month is sufficient even if your contract says something different.
Please check it out.

Exactly - fuck it. Good for you.

He has blatantly shown you that your feelings don't matter to him at all, and he has knowingly and deliberately been lying to you and stringing you along for all those years. He has also demonstrated that his mother is far more important than his relationship with you.

Let his mother have him back. Think of it as returning shoddy goods to the shop.

So I guess yeah, at least I've had the experience that means I would never put up with some of the stuff I read on here, like men leaving shitty underpants on the floor or pissing the bed while drunk (?!) or cheating. In terms of day to day living, he set quite a high standard. That's what has made it so hard/taken so long to get to this point. Because on paper it was "just" a location thing, but really its about ability to compromise

It sounds like you had some lovely times with him and when you’ve moved on and become less angry, you can accept it wasn’t all wasted.

We aren't in the UK!

Personally, I would walk out when you are ready and leave him to sort out the rent etc, especially if you are moving countries, as probably a limit as to what the LL could do. Let him sort out his mess - you've put up with his BS for too long.

This. He Future Faked you and made you believe it would happen “one day”.

Sending you much love.

If it helps, although not sure why that it would, it was ‘our’ 8 year anniversary yesterday. I asked if he wanted to go out for a meal or something to mark it. He said no as he had food at home, and off he went.
We don’t share a house though, he future faked me over that. Like you, I am done now. I am somewhat older. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the time investment thing. You are still young enough to find the person that deserves you. I wish you every happiness with moving and everything.

Fuck the rent. Leave it to him to pay. Leave now! Pack up. Sign up to some online dating sites. You still have time to meet someone and have kids if that’s what you want but put yourself first now and get bloody cracking!

Where do you want to move to? Grass isn’t always greener.

I guess at least you know. You must've assumed it was something like that as otherwise he would've been more keen. But it's not your fault. He kept saying 'maybe'. But in men language that means 'No' a lot of the time.

I think it's good for you to move on, go move to the place you want to and feel fully independent again. It's his loss.

There's nothing wrong with caring for your elderly parent, but to sacrifice your relationship for it is very foolish. As where will you be when your Mum sadly passes away?

It's shit, but it's happened to most of us, OP, with the wrong man.

Try to reframe the narrative in your mind and look for the positives instead of thinking the whole time was wasted.

You know, it's only obvious with hind sight. Like a PP said, many of us are built to hang onto the tiny slither of hope. I know I'm like this. It's how we become resilient in the face of hardship. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Take a few minutes to read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

It was life-changing for me after 6 years with someone. Changed my perspective and future relationship (now married 16+ years).

I just realised from reading your initial post that ' not now ' actually is a double no.

I would just concentrate on where you are going to live, and sort that out. Mummy will sort him out !

The amount of people who live their WHOLE LIFE like this. Lots of people are just too ashamed to admit life is like this for them. You're in the statistic of those who escaped a lifelong sentence (I am too). We are so bloody lucky!