Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

I can see both sides. It is hurtful to be rejected, but you should not have to partake in something you do not want.
Do you mind if seeks sex elsewhere?
If yes, then you do have some work to do on the physical side of your marriage.
If no, you don’t mind, then, surely the marriage is doomed.
That’s my View anyway, I’m not into open marriages.

So basically he is seeking your permission to use a prostitute?

He has every right not to want to be in a sexless marriage.

But personally I would find it repugnant that he thinks women's bodies are there for men to buy.

And I would not want to be in a marriage that wasn't monogamous.

But it's how you feel about it that is what matters OP.

I think fair enough if he doesn’t want to be in a marriage without sex, and fair enough for you to not want to have sex if you don’t want to.

I think whether you explore other means to continue the relationship is up to the both of you, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone that was using prostitutes. I think an open relationship would be better but you’d have to think about if it would work for you

I was ok with all of this until the sex worker bit, this is abhorrent to me. I wonder if he’s used them in last few years?

So he wants to rape women. Coerced sex is rape. What a revolting man.

Wanting to pay to use a woman’s body like she’s an object is fucking rank.

I couldn’t get past that.

I also wouldn’t want to be celibate and would be devastated if DH said he’d never have sex with me again. No advice but I feel for you both - less so him given the suggestion of prostitutes.

I stopped wanting sex after my hysterectomy, so I completely get you @QuirkyLurk . Fortunately my DH wasn’t bothered either, so we carried on with everything except sex.

If my DH had wanted to seek sex elsewhere, I would have definitely gone for a divorce. Especially if he was talking about paying for it.

Buying sex is repugnant and unacceptable but giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he wanted to try to reassure you that he wouldn't be seeking an emotional connection with the women involved. Hopefully he wouldn’t seriously visit a sex worker. He just wanted to be clear that he had no wish to replace you with another partner.

Where you go from here is up to you. Prostitution talk aside, neither of you is “wrong”.

OP How old are you both? I understand how at present you have a non existent sex drive but your husband has made it clear that he still wants a sex life. He is now floating the idea of opening up your marriage but how do you actually feel about it?
I wonder also if you have tried hrt, especially post hysterectomy, because if you wanted to improve your libido it would almost certainly help. I do understand if that's not what you want, but if the relationship is otherwise good then it might be worth trying?

Why is he going down the prostitution route? Does he think he can’t meet a woman from hookup / swinging sites? Is he really unattractive? I think we’re missing a bit of the story.

My view here is really different from pp actually.

I think that it says only good things about your marriage that he’s been able to talk to you about this, that you’ve been able to discuss it and that you’re taking it seriously. I also think that it says good things that over the last three years he hasn’t sulked or pressured you, and has accepted your no with good grace.

You post doesn’t talk about how you feel about this. Does the idea of him having sex with someone else upset you? Or would you feel ok with it?

I suspect if you said no paid for sex, no crossover with real life, no regular partner etc he would work those things out. I think his conversation was the beginning of a journey rather than a yes/no situation.

So by “solving” one problem in his mind he has now further managed to create yet more issues in your marriage. Those Issues were already there prior to your hysterectomy but hidden in plain sight.

I guess he’s forgotten the marriage vow about forsaking all others. He using paid for sex workers will damage your marriage and he’s talking bollocks. Both of you need to find a way forward that does not involve sex workers.

I wouldn't want an open marriage and using a prostitute is not acceptable to me. However I don't think I would be able to be in a sexless marriage either...

Is sex painful these days or if you gave it a bit of a go maybe you could get back in the swing of it? So to speak...

He's probably suggesting sex workers as a way of 'reassuring' you that it's strictly about physical needs and he doesn't want someone else.

It's one of those quandaries though. You don't have the right to take sex off the table and expect him to lump it and neither does he have the right to expect it from you.

It's either open the marriage or split up if a physical relationship can't be salvaged.

Those Issues were already there prior to your hysterectomy but hidden in plain sight.

Were they?

I'm.not sure you can continue to be happily married if you know your husband is paying for sex elsewhere when he goes out. Would you be happier if he had an affair partner? If your marriage is important to you I would try and become sexually engaged again. It might take some effort but I think it's one of those use it lose it things, sexuality.

This.

How anyone could be okay about their husband using prostititutes is beyond me. Repulsive.

I am not a fan of the sex worker suggestion
However, you can make a choice to be celibate. You can’t make that choice for another person.

It’s time to separate op

Consent cannot be purchased.

It's fine that he doesn't want to be celibate, but it's abhorrent that he wants to coerce consent out of a prostituted woman.

The thought of my husband looking me in the face and saying this after I’d given him years of marriage and children makes me feel sick and really really sad. You do you OP, but that would break me emotionally. I won’t even bother going into the prostitution aspect because other posters have already summed that up, but even without that I’d feel horrible.

This is a difficult situation, and ultimately, only you can decide whether to accept his suggestion and under what conditions. Both of you have the right to choose how to live your lives. If you do not want to engage in sexual intimacy, he should not pressure you. At the same time, it may not be fair to expect him to go without physical intimacy for the rest of his life.

It’s important to take time to reflect on your feelings and have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Together, you may be able to find a solution that works for both of you. If not, separation might become the only option. Finding balance in relationships requires mutual understanding and respect.

I was with him until the sex worker bit; I could not accept that. However I don’t think you can expect him to go the rest of his life without sex

You’ve jumped the gun abit here