Page 2 | Happily married except...

QuirkyLurk · 2025-06-12T19:57:41+00:00

Hi, First ever post so please be kind. DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more. It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh. DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells. We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated. He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else? I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along... He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

Sugargliderwombat · 12/06/2025 21:58

Crushed23 · 12/06/2025 21:35

Why is he going down the prostitution route? Does he think he can’t meet a woman from hookup / swinging sites? Is he really unattractive? I think we’re missing a bit of the story.

I'd wonder if he thinks it's less emotional. Would you be against him getting into swinging? I don't think either of you are wrong.

JazzyJelly · 12/06/2025 21:59

OverstimulatedMumsClub · 12/06/2025 21:52

You’ve jumped the gun abit here

Show quote history

How so? These women do not want to have sex with him, or he wouldn't have to pay them. As another poster above put it, consent cannot be bought. And that's before you even get into the possibility of these women being trafficked.

laclochette · 12/06/2025 21:59

Marriage is usually, I assume in your case, a commitment to monogamy. I don't think it's fair for one party to then ask the other person to commit to celibacy, if they decide that sex isn't for them any more. If you don't want to have sex with your husband, which is absolutely your right of course, then I think it's fair that you figure out how he can satisfy that crucial part of his self and identity elsewhere, or your asking him to accept a life of celibacy. Doesn't have to be something you rush towards but I think that is the outcome you need to be working towards. I personally don't have an issue with sex work per se but if you do then you'll need to consider alternatives.

moose62 · 12/06/2025 22:02

Unfortunately I think you either have to work on getting interested again or offer your DH his freedom. Just because you don't want sex it is very wrong to make that decision for him.

hattie43 · 12/06/2025 22:04

I think it’s the beginning of the end I’m afraid . No-one is in the wrong but you want different things from now on . No way could I accept my partner going with another woman whoever she was .

YourAquaLion · 12/06/2025 22:06

So I am a woman and I have the exact same issue with my husband, so I very much understand your husband’s side of it. I don’t think it’s fair to him to be in a sexless marriage not of his choosing and I would consider allowing him to have an open relationship. I’m not sure I’d be down with paying for sex. But I also view sex work as a legitimate business as old as time that can work for some.

Mine husband is 10 years older than me (I’m early 40’s) and is just not interested at all in having sex. I’d like to have it about once a week. It only happens if I book it in (sexeh…) a few days before so he can rest up and not be too tired for it. I’ve stopped bothering now, it’s so crap feeling like they don’t want you intimately.

I don’t just mean sex, he also sleeps in the spare room as our 4yo comes in to our bed pretty much every night and he doesn’t want to be disturbed. So he just starts off there now.

It makes me want to have an affair to be honest. I told him that if it’s not better by next year I’m going to ask him for an open relationship. There’s an app called Feeld for sex positive people who want to explore.

But truly, I just want him to have a libido and to want me. It’s a really sad situation and not how I thought my life with him would pan out!

So I really do feel for your husband and it sounds like he does want to have an open conversation about it, which is a great start. Good luck xx

Notsosure1 · 12/06/2025 22:07

Sosostressedandanxious · 12/06/2025 21:21

So basically he is seeking your permission to use a prostitute?

He has every right not to want to be in a sexless marriage.

But personally I would find it repugnant that he thinks women's bodies are there for men to buy.

And I would not want to be in a marriage that wasn't monogamous.

But it's how you feel about it that is what matters OP.

Edited

I would find it repugnant that he thinks women's bodies are there for men to buy.

They are though. Sex workers at least. Many have been trafficked but many haven’t and are doing it for their own personal reasons through porn, prostitution or OF etc.

I started a thread earlier about women volunteering to sexually objectify themselves going off a news feed for yahoo news where 2 of the first few articles were headlined -

Sabrina Carpenter is completely naked in new magazine cover, posing in nothing but thigh high socks

Followed by

Stacey Solomon is the ultimate Bond girl in slinky swimsuit as she holidays without Joe Swash

Boreded · 12/06/2025 22:09

Why all the hate for prostitution? It is definitely not something I would encourage or find it appropriate in any way, shape, or form. But, if a man or woman CHOOSES to sell their body, shouldn’t that be their choice.

if they do it because they ‘have to’ then I agree that consent can’t be bought, but if they just like the money it can bring by being a high end hooker, how is that any different than a trophy wife/husband who marries someone for money.

im obviously not talking street walkers here, im talking about people who know they have sex appeal and choose to make sex work their job. Its like only fans, if people are stupid enough to pay for it then why shouldn’t people take advantage of that.

GuevarasBeret · 12/06/2025 22:13

Whilst I absolutely share the revulsion at the use of prostituted women, I think he probably meant a “no strings” thing, and had thought only functionally.

How do you feel about him saying he doesn’t want to be celibate!

Summerhillsquare · 12/06/2025 22:15

Because choice doesn't occur in a vacuum.

It's quite naive not to realise "why all the hate". Men who go to prostituted women/men are repulsive to us by instinct.

Fitasafiddle1 · 12/06/2025 22:15

Boreded · 12/06/2025 22:09

Why all the hate for prostitution? It is definitely not something I would encourage or find it appropriate in any way, shape, or form. But, if a man or woman CHOOSES to sell their body, shouldn’t that be their choice.

if they do it because they ‘have to’ then I agree that consent can’t be bought, but if they just like the money it can bring by being a high end hooker, how is that any different than a trophy wife/husband who marries someone for money.

im obviously not talking street walkers here, im talking about people who know they have sex appeal and choose to make sex work their job. Its like only fans, if people are stupid enough to pay for it then why shouldn’t people take advantage of that.

Too many are trafficked, under age or struggling with addiction. It’s hardly a ‘free’ choice!

Lavender2015 · 12/06/2025 22:17

Boreded · 12/06/2025 22:09

Why all the hate for prostitution? It is definitely not something I would encourage or find it appropriate in any way, shape, or form. But, if a man or woman CHOOSES to sell their body, shouldn’t that be their choice.

if they do it because they ‘have to’ then I agree that consent can’t be bought, but if they just like the money it can bring by being a high end hooker, how is that any different than a trophy wife/husband who marries someone for money.

im obviously not talking street walkers here, im talking about people who know they have sex appeal and choose to make sex work their job. Its like only fans, if people are stupid enough to pay for it then why shouldn’t people take advantage of that.

If someone CHOOSES to throw themself off a bridge, starve themself to death or drink themself to death, should we all just standby and respect their right to choose? Even if we are fully aware that awful circumstances such as childhood sexual abuse, poverty, neglect and/ or addiction are what led them to that decision? Or is it just the young women benefitting OP’s husband we should draw a blind eye to because hey it’s helps out the MEN, and what’s a woman’s life really worth anyway.

YinYangalang · 12/06/2025 22:18

Get divorced.

Tripthelightfantastical · 12/06/2025 22:19

I doubt that the vast majority do it because they have ‘sex appeal’. Many do it to feed addictions or because the money is crucial and they can’t earn as much doing anything else. I doubt very much enjoyment comes into it. So a man using those ‘services’ is buying a woman’s body when she gets no pleasure from it . Moreover many of those women are addicts .

MumWifeOther · 12/06/2025 22:24

How old are you both? Obviously no one has a crystal ball but I don’t think I would ever want a sexless marriage. Sex is a fundamental part of marriage and the intimacy I believe is what sets the relationship apart from others. I would not be able to cope with the thought of my husband having sex with anyone else - if you can’t compromise, it’s best to go seperate ways.

Gymbunny2025 · 12/06/2025 22:24

Tripthelightfantastical · 12/06/2025 22:19

I doubt that the vast majority do it because they have ‘sex appeal’. Many do it to feed addictions or because the money is crucial and they can’t earn as much doing anything else. I doubt very much enjoyment comes into it. So a man using those ‘services’ is buying a woman’s body when she gets no pleasure from it . Moreover many of those women are addicts .

And even if it’s a student ‘choosing’ to make money that way…. Would a 20 year old woman really choose to have sex with a load of old blokes whose wives are no longer interested? Not to mention the risks taken. Horrific.

no matter what the circumstances I would never be ok with anyone buying sex

anytipswelcome · 12/06/2025 22:27

Boreded · 12/06/2025 22:09

Why all the hate for prostitution? It is definitely not something I would encourage or find it appropriate in any way, shape, or form. But, if a man or woman CHOOSES to sell their body, shouldn’t that be their choice.

if they do it because they ‘have to’ then I agree that consent can’t be bought, but if they just like the money it can bring by being a high end hooker, how is that any different than a trophy wife/husband who marries someone for money.

im obviously not talking street walkers here, im talking about people who know they have sex appeal and choose to make sex work their job. Its like only fans, if people are stupid enough to pay for it then why shouldn’t people take advantage of that.

How can a man know for sure that a prostitute isn’t abused, coerced or trafficked? He can’t. He is willing to run the risk of contributing to a woman suffering those things in order to orgasm inside of a woman.

I don’t hate prostitutes.

I think men who pay for sex with them, when they categorically cannot know whether they are a victim of the things I’ve listed above, are despicable.

Springadorable · 12/06/2025 22:30

I think it's very positive he's spoken to you about this, and I also see why he's said he'll pay for sex rather than meet someone and risk either of them getting more attached. If everything else is good then I'd consider this, or a variant on it.

StretchyPants1988 · 12/06/2025 22:31

Wow that was quite a revelation towards the end, I was not expecting prostitutes to be on the cards....

Divorce is probably the only way forward. You don't want sex, he does. Kind of a dealbreaker.

PomeloOud · 12/06/2025 22:39

I think your marriage is dead.

Your differing sex expectations does not mean you should accept that he thinks it’s ok to objectify and exploit women. How could you even like him after this?

joliefolle · 12/06/2025 22:40

You are not wrong for having no desire to have sex with him (or anyone else?) He is not wrong for having enough desire not to want to give up on sex. If he still wants to have sex and you don't, then there are 4 choices : You rekindle your sex life. You split up. You stay toghether and say ok to him having purely transactional sex outside of your marriage. You say ok to him having sex with someone who is doing it for the physical/emotional pleasure of having sex with him. It's not really relevant if others have made this work or not - plenty of love-free sexual encounters going on as well as sex-free loving encounters. It's about what it the best option for both of you... That means you facing up to what it is you really want and what you are prepared to do to facilitate that: expecting someone else to be celibate to suit your wants (or lack thereof) is a massive personal boundary trespass and not, therefore, a position it is possible to happily and fairly sustain.

MaryGreenhill · 12/06/2025 22:44

I think you need to get some help to see if you can restore your sex life before you give your DH the green light to pay for sex OP .

Notsosure1 · 12/06/2025 22:46

Tripthelightfantastical · 12/06/2025 22:19

I doubt that the vast majority do it because they have ‘sex appeal’. Many do it to feed addictions or because the money is crucial and they can’t earn as much doing anything else. I doubt very much enjoyment comes into it. So a man using those ‘services’ is buying a woman’s body when she gets no pleasure from it . Moreover many of those women are addicts .

I see what you’re saying, and it is revolting to think men would be happy to buy a warm body to just fuck with no thought to what circumstances made her available to him - but if they are desperate for money, and as you say - can’t earn as much doing anything else - what options are left to them?

Without the men buying the sex from them they would have nothing, or not as much money as they need. It’s a short term fix they can hopefully navigate their way out of but obviously more support needs to be available to them - but that is a far wider issue which won’t provide the money they crucially need right here right now sadly.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 12/06/2025 22:47

Not wanting a sexless life - that’s one thing
wanting to use prostitutes - fucking grim

LillyPJ · 12/06/2025 22:50

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 12/06/2025 21:49

Consent cannot be purchased.

It's fine that he doesn't want to be celibate, but it's abhorrent that he wants to coerce consent out of a prostituted woman.

Don't you think that some women might choose to be sex workers? I don't think they are all coerced to consent.