Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

The bit about paying for sex sounds very off to me. I find men who use sex workers quite off putting and I don't think it is the healthy first option to even consider in this situation. Part of me wonders if he is using this as a cover story to siphon money away to pay for full blown affair.

I don't think either of you is wrong with your sex drives and neither owes sex to other. If your relationship is important to you and you're not 100% on board, relieved and happy about OH seeking sex elsewhere then I'd find a way to work on a compromise. I had zero sex drive for years after having my first and we fixed it by my partner making the sex really really good for me, it is much easier to want sex and more sex when it is excellent than when it is meh. It worked a bit too well and now I want it more often than he does and we've reached a compromise where he'll sort me out every 1-2 weeks. But we do also have the door open to seek sex elsewhere if it comes to that.

He’s grotesque for the sex worker suggestion. Bet they’d be younger too. 🤮 wouldn’t want to be in his airspace after he’d done that.

I think you are incredibly naive when it comes to sex workers, and your post clearly demonstrates that. Disclaimer - I do not hate' prostitutes, I just live In the real world.

I wouldn't want my husband to have sex with a prossie. Especially If I knew I definitely didn't ever want sex with him again.

It seems fairer to spilt up if one person's sex drive is vastly different from the others. But it's not my relationship. If you could accept it then I guess see what happens.

But if you don't like him doing it he probably won't want to stop. And you could build a very high level of resentment.

Understandably it could seem very unfair. You say you don't want sex, but would he be OK with you having a passionate emotional affair which went way beyond just booking someone on Adult work for a bunk up in a Travelodge?

I bet he wouldn't be so enamoured.

I think he said sex workers for the benefit of OP as it's the least personal. Basically emphasising to OP it's just sex as he gets all the other stuff with her.

That and the likelihood of anything developing with a sex worker is slim to none, it's a cash transaction, clinical, whereas meeting up with someone who also wants sex the chance of something developing would be slightly greater.

As a previous poster said he could be testing the waters.

It’s interesting. If a partner loses their sex drive but seeks help, or compromises for the benefit of their partner, that’s one thing and shows their commitment to the relationship and their partners well being.

If however they lose their sex drive and don’t want any more sex ever then they must accept their partner has a choice to stay in that relationship.

I believe a lot of men and some women, probably less, can separate emotions when it comes to sex and view it as meeting a physical need. If their partner is on board with that and are happy to enjoy the emotional closeness and intimacy with their OH then that’s one way to solve the issue.

But this is predictably not the case for most couples. They don’t want sex with them but don’t want them having sex with anyone else. I can understand that but ultimately it’s pretty selfish.

Bit of a jump.

"thinking of England" a few times a month for a few minutes and hopefully that avoids the other two

Jeez

Well you might not like it but its true.

Maybe 50 years ago, when a lot more women were reliant on the man for the income to provide for their families / children.

It would make me feel sick to have a man shagging me when I didn't want it.

This is a dilemma given you have a wonderful marriage albeit with your lack of sex drive. I've been happily married for as long as I remember & as a post menopausal woman I'm happy to say my sex drive has never been affected & that's without hrt. I can't imagine what it must be like not having the intimacy the physical side of marriage brings to the relationship so I toatally understand your DHs feelings. We will all have our opinions & personally speaking I would be moving heaven & earth to find a way of meeting the physical & emotional needs of my DH while doing my best to work on ways to find pleasure in the close physical contact.
I think approaching a sex worker while acceptable for many would definitely not be the answer in this instance. Having read your post OP & I actually feel sorry for you both. I hope you find a solution & continue to have a long & happy marriage.

It’s not rape with a sex worker who is paid is it

But in the OP's situation, its either that, him shagging other women (paid or not) or divorce.

Like I say, its unpalatable but it is true. Truth is often not something we want to hear.

It’s not really a wonderful marriage if there’s no intimacy between you.. are you really ready to call time on your sex life OP? Why don’t you try counselling or similar to relight the fire

Is there no way you could rekindle some sort of intimate relationship with him? Obviously if you're really not into it, no-one should have to force it. But in some instances, I think just making time for sex, being open to it, and making an effort to make it enjoyable, can work. Me and my OH both lost our mojo a while back, due to infertility issues (the least hot thing ever), then later (happily!) having young children and being exhausted. I felt I could happily never have sex with anyone again, as long as I lived. But with a bit of work, we managed to make it an enjoyable experience again.

Certainly if you think it's a possibility, it would be more straight forward that having an open relationship / using sex workers / getting divorced?

Nope.

Then you live a very sheltered life.

I personally know two women through ex SIL who work as escorts, one does the "Barbie" experience (you can probably work out what that means) and the other the "Girlfriend" experience (more well known). And another who makes her money via Onlyfans. None are pimped, none were trafficked. They all chose it as it can be very very lucrative and all are making smart money choices for when they cant do that work anymore as younger women take their places.

If you met them you would see three MC women, with nice lives, nice homes, etc. Not all sex workers are pimped out street walkers.

I could not have sex again the rest of my life and be happy. I have only been with DH and sex has been average to below at best. And after DC my sex drive really left the building.

I can see myself in this similar situation as OP in the future.

I’m reading the responses with interest.

My marriage was wonderful, even though we stopped having sex.

OP I disagree with most people here

Sex can be loving and physical
My dh is great but I can’t separate our feelings from our sexual desires. He is a basic model person, take or leave sex and when it happens it’s ‘fine’.
I would love an arrangement where I met a guy at the gym every Friday for physical/sexual release. No strings and we go home to our families for the rest of the week.
I don’t agree relationships need to breakdown for us to be happy.

Why? If you weren't giving it to him, why would it bother you if he found it elsewhere?

What?? How did you come up with that??

Get help to improve the intimacy in your marriage - is he worth making the effort for? You could be saving your marriage. You are missing out on so much as is your husband. It’s very risky for him to look elsewhere for a number of reasons and are you sure you could cope with it in reality?

No worker, especially menial workers, would want to do their job if they weren't paid. So is wage work slavery?

To claim consent can't be bought is just ridiculous. In fact what is consent if not 'agreeing because there is something in it for me'?

That something might be sexual pleasure, intimacy or hard cash. But it's always transactional.

Well it's not great he wants to pay for sex but it sounds like you've barely had sex for years so I can see where he's coming from.
Like others have said it depends how you feel about it. If it's a hard no then you either have to let him go or work on ways to be affectionate and loving without full sex.
I'd probably end it. You say you're happy but obviously your DH isn't because he's basically ina sexless marriage. I couldn't live like that.